but have been hitherto deterred by various considerations. But having been called on to do it, both by sister Izor and Brother Conklin, I will now undertake it, if Brother Beebe will grant me room in the Signs for it, though it is with fears that I commence it, that it may not be kindly received by many, and may not be useful perhaps to but few.
I admit with brother Barton that all who we believe are Christians, cannot give a circumstantial detail of all the way in which the Lord has led them to the hope of the gospel, but where they can give such detail, I like to hear it, and therefore wish now to give it. I think for myself that our brother Hall's relation would have been still more interesting had he related those somethings before and after he obtained mercy which he speaks of. There is nothing in God's teaching nor in His revelation, that is not worthy of our special notice.
I have thought I that those which some would call little circumstances, in which God's hand is manifested, appear more lovely than the more important exercises, as illustrative of the great condescension, compassion and faithfulness of Him with whom we have to do. As I am giving my thoughts I will further say that I think our object in writing our experience ought not to be simply to declare ourselves to be believers, but to show in our individual experience, God's sovereignly various ways of leading His children to the knowledge of the same truths.
EARLY LIFE
As an introduction to my religious experience, I wish to give a sketch of my early life, both as in some measure accounting for the extreme ignorance and stupidity concerning everything spiritual which my experience will show me to have possessed, and also as showing God's special providential watch over me in my vile untoward course in nature. Hence I shall probably be as much tedious as brother Hall was too brief.
I was born in Walpole, New Hampshire, was one of three children my mother had. My sister died before my mother, and my brother was burned up with the house in which he lived a year or two after, and my mother died when I was eight years old. My father who had been for several years riding as sheriff, and had thereby become involved, was about this time broken up as to property, and shortly after broke up housekeeping. From that early period in life, though my father lived several years after, I never knew the comforts of a parent's home, nor the solace of a brother or a sister's society. I had no near relatives on my father's side, and none that I knew; on my mother's side I had several, but circumstances around the above time caused me to become estranged from them. My father procured a kind and comfortable home for me, where I enjoyed all the advantages of a common school education, usual for boys in New England to have.
I continued in this family until I was nearly fifteen, when I went as an apprentice to a trade, to an unmarried gentleman, and who therefore boarded out his hands; and who had two shops, one in my native village and the other sixty miles from there in Vermont, at each of which I was occasionally. Thus excepting in shop hours I was thrown loose to my passions in villages, where gambling, drunkenness, and every species of fashionable vice was prevalent.
When about twelve, a gentleman of the family in which I lived, who owned a right in a public library in the village, granted me the use of his right to draw and read what books I pleased. My attention in this way was soon turned to novels and romances pretty much to the exclusion of other reading, when a circumstance occurred which so disgusted me with novel reading, that from that time I declared off from them.
Thus instead of acquiring useful knowledge during my youth, I was filling my mind with romance. In addition to this, when I was a child, Winchester the Universalist, came into that region and discipled to his faith the settled minister of the town. Hence I was brought up under that kind of preaching, and early imbibed the idea of universal salvation, and of the propriety of professors of religion participating in the amusements of the world, such as dancing, card playing &c., from being accustomed to seeing those things among them. Before going to a trade I had occasion on Sundays to read a chapter or two in the Bible to please the old lady with whom I lived, but from that time I know not that I read a single chapter, until I became religiously exercised.
When I was nearly twenty my boss changed his business, and gave me my time. I was now in more unpleasant circumstances than before, having no relatives to visit. no home to retreat to for rest, when out of employment, I had no alternative, when one job was done, but to travel in pursuit of another. In this way the first year I was free, I traveled through most of the New England States and a part of New York, sometimes by stage, or by water, but more generally on foot, according as my funds were. The second year I engaged for a year in Massachusetts to take charge of a shop. During the first year one circumstance occurred which I wish particularly to notice, and I wish to record my testimony to the kindness of a restraining providence, for I was truly a child of Providence, in that whilst others of my early associates who had parents to watch over them, fell over the gambling table, or the cup, or other vices, I, though possessing as strong passions and appetites as either of them, was restrained from dipping deeply into any of those vices, and was permitted throughout to enjoy a respectable standing in society.
The particular circumstance referred to was this: In common with perhaps most Universalists, I was inclined to deistical notions, but feeling an inward consciousness that there was a hereafter, I at times felt some anxiety to know whether there was a reality in religion or not. In the summer of 1805, being in Providence, R.I., I was one day in the front shop at work by myself, I got to reflecting on this subject, and my mind being wrought up to considerable anxiety about it. I exclaimed to myself, if there is a reality in religion, O, that God would give me some test by which I might know it. I said this, I think, more in a spirit of complaining, than of supplication, with all the distinctness and force, as if someone had spoken to me from above, these words fell upon my mind: "Read the Bible." Though I was at the time, as I still am confident that this was supernatural, for I cannot account for the impression on any natural principles, being so different from the bent or any reflections of my mind, yet I felt no disposition to obey, my mind seemed to revolt at the idea of such a gloomy task, as that of pondering over the Bible. Still however it had an effect, it silenced my infidelity, and led me to feel more of a respect for religion than I had been accustomed to.
During the next year I was one day when by myself led to reflect on the difference between the Universalists and other religionists, and came to the conclusion, that it was of no use to believe in universalism, for if the Universalists were correct, those who believed in a special salvation of individuals, were equally as safe as they were, else the salvation would not be universal. On the other hand if salvation was special and particular, and I was trusting in a general universal salvation, I should find myself deceived, I therefore gave it up. Still I had no idea of becoming religious. At the end of this second year, finding myself a little before hand as to funds, I determined to commence the pursuit of what I had long wished for, an education. As the minister of the adjoining town kept a boarding school for young men, in the fall of 1806 I entered his school. I had not been there over six weeks, had barely revised my early studies of arithmetic, grammar, &c., before through the recommendation of this gentleman, I was offered the public school in the village for the winter, which I accepted.
As I concluded the only way for me, situated as I was, to get along with my studies would be to teach school and study in my spare hours, and as they did not in that county employ male teachers in the summer months, I determined when my school was out in the spring, to go into the State of New York and obtain a school. I accordingly started early in May, went to Albany, thence westwardly, but soon found I was too late in the season, in starting, that the schools were taken up for the season. I however proceeded onward, until I got about thirty miles west of Utica. There through my inconsiderateness and the rascality of others, I got into a difficulty which was like to involve me in a serious loss, considering my situation.
Being detained for a day or two, and being among strangers, I felt sensibly the need of Divine interposition. In my straits I retired to the woods and implored God's aid, and like other natural persons, I supposed I must promise something in return, I promised that in case He would deliver me, I would never again indulge in profane swearing. I had at one time been much addicted to it, but for two years before, I had in some measure left it off, not on account of its sinfulness, but on account of its being disrespectful in good society. Still when much excited I was liable to give way to it. But now I renounced it as a sinful act. And God to my full belief did interpose. Friends appeared on my behalf, and as warm friends as I could have had, if I could have given the Masonic sign or that of any secret society, and I was delivered. My purse which was getting rather low, being somewhat replenished by the transaction, I turned my course backward to Albany, thence to my native place, and after spending some days there and in other places, I went again into Massachusetts, and engaged in Northampton for a time, at my trade.
From the above transaction I became more impressed with the sense of an overruling Providence, and the expression of Pope, "Whatsoever is, is right," became a favorite one with me. Also from that event I have been led to the conclusion that, although in reference to salvation there is no approaching God, with acceptance but through faith in Christ, yet that in reference to providential dealing, unregenerate persons, being brought to feel their dependence on God for aid, may in their straits supplicate His throne and be heard. While at Northampton, and at work one day in August, 1807, in the shop by myself, I was reflecting on the providential dealings of God with me from a child up, having been a child of disappointments and sorrow, the enquiry arose in my mind, which I perhaps expressed: Why is it that God has thus pursued me from my childhood with crosses and troubles? Immediately again, as at Providence two years before, as if spoken from above, these words struck my mind with force, "It is to teach you the vanity of earthly hopes and things, and to lead you to seek your happiness in God." My Whole heart seemed now at once to acquiesce in it, and I cheerfully promised, that from that time, I would seek the knowledge of God, and His ways, and seek my happiness in Him. As David says, Ps.27:8, "When thou saidst unto me, Seek ye my face, my heart said unto thee, Thy face Lord will I seek," so verily I think at that time it was my case.
From the different effect produced by the two addresses to me, this at Northampton, and that two years before in Providence, both having alike the same appearance of being supernaturally spoken to me, and both so viewed by me at the times, I am constrained to believe that even when God speaks, there will not be heart obedience, unless the heart is first opened to receive the word, and unless regeneration has taken place, and spiritual life is imparted. As this life is love to God, then there will be obedience to His Word and not before.
Hence from the lasting effect produced at that time upon me, leading me immediately to procure a Bible and to commence the study of it, as also to engage in religious exercises, and producing a desire after God which I trust still continues with me, I am led, from that time to date my regeneration (if indeed I am regenerated). As a further confirmation of this, as I was walking the street one evening by myself, a few weeks after, meditating on this subject, and enquiring with some anxiety whether I should be able to hold out in my resolution, this word was applied with force to me, "He which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ." I know not that I had ever read that text, though probably I had in my boyhood, but I received it as the word of God, and was comforted and strengthened by it. And I therefore
concluded that God had then begun a work in me.
No.2
Brother Beebe: - As the close of the first Number, I stated what I consider my first exercise after regeneration. Shortly after that exercise occurred, I went to Wilbraham where I had spent the preceding winter, but had not long been there before by a special providential interposition as I consider it, an application was made to me to go into Otsego Co., New York and take charge of a school, from the fact that a friend rode upwards of forty miles to give me notice of the application, I unhesitatingly went on immediately, and engaged in the school for one quarter. This school being located in a new and rough settlement, I did not like the situation, but whilst there I was informed that Mr. Neal [1778-1860], the Presbyterian minister in Cooperstown in that county, (since known as Dr. Neal of Philadelphia) who had charge of the Academy in that place, wished to employ a teacher in the English department. I called on him, he after examination engaged me to come on when my quarter in the other situation ended, and also engaged to give me instruction in the languages. There was but one circumstance in my experience during that quarter worth relating, and that perhaps, only as showing how I was led on not by man, but by an invisible Teacher, step by step, to renounce my early prejudices concerning religion. I had not as yet seen the error of my early impressions, that dancing was quite consistent with religion, and being one night in a company where dancing was introduced, I without hesitancy engaged in it. But one dance was enough for me. A sense of guilt and condemnation so seized my mind as to stop my sport, and I could not tell why. I then saw no evil in dancing. I soon left the company, but the distress of mind followed me without being able to comprehend why. I awoke the next morning with my mind in the same situation. Before entering my school, I retired to enquire why it was so. My mind was soon opened to see that dancing was inconsistent with my promise to seek my happiness in God, for I was thereby seeking it in worldly amusements, besides the very idea of these amusements was to pass-time lightly away, whereas I was under obligation and engagement, to spend my time to the glory of God. I from that time cheerfully renounced worldly amusement.
From my first religious exercise I thought it important I should, on the first opportunity, join some church, as a part of my religious service to God, and as calculated more to establish me in my resolution to seek God. When I became located in Cooperstown I thought this opportunity was afforded me. There was however one difficulty in the way: the Presbyterians I had understood professed to believe in the doctrine of election, that I could not profess, my heart was bitter against it, so much so that as I was one night in my room reading the 8th and 9th chapter of Romans, I was so incensed against those chapters because of their containing so fully the doctrine of election and predestination, that I actually thought of cutting them out of my Bible and casting them into the fire. Nothing but a sense of its being God's Word prevented me. This difficulty however was soon removed, for shortly after, some persons were received into the church, and I had an opportunity of hearing the church covenant to which they were to assent, read, and found to my joy that election and predestination were not named therein. The next month I applied to the session, and was received into the church.
In the spring a young Presbyterian came to study with Mr, Neal with a view to the ministry, who was better indoctrinated in the Presbyterian faith than I was. As he boarded and roomed with me he soon found out my opposition to election, and set about reforming me from my error. By his reasoning from the Scriptures, and by reading certain writers on the subject to which he referred me, I was convinced that election was a Scriptural doctrine, and became a strenuous advocate for it, that is as held generally by the Presbyterians in connection with general atonement, general offers, invitations &c. Having joined the Presbyterian church in March, I think, 1808, I was strict in observing the Sabbath, as I considered it, in reading a certain portion of Scripture daily, in prayer and in morality, was during that year a pretty strict formalist, and got along comfortably.
Not that I thought I had attained a safe state, this was what I was labouring for, and I hoped that God had begun the work in me, and therefore that I should be able to persevere and attain to a safe state before I died.
This, as I nigh as I can recollect, was about my views. In the early part of 1809 I got hold of Doddridge's, "Rise and Progress of Religion in the Soul." I undertook to carry out his directions for progressing religion in my soul. I added more praying as well as occasional fasting to my tasks, and devoted Saturday nights to prayer and self examination, preparatory to the "Duties of the sanctuary," as they were called. The test whether a work of grace was begun in me, was whether I loved God. I from this time became about as laborious a legalist as was to be found among the Presbyterians, so much so, that my religious duties very much retarded my studies, although for a time I confined myself to six hours sleep out of twenty four until my constitution not being strong enough to bear that deprivation, was completely overcome by the want of sleep. As a part of the Doddridge discipline I kept a diary of my experience. In looking over it through this year, I find that I made frequent complaints of my want of zeal and devotion in my religious exercises, but very little of my corruptions, or the plague of my heart.
Mr. Neal about the time I joined the church persuaded me that it was my duty to turn my attention to the ministry. Although I had not before thought of that, yet on reflection I assented to it, and ultimately I became so devoted to that idea, that nothing else seemed worth living for. This was frequently brought to the test in 1809 and 10, by the various difficulties which interposed to my obtaining a suitable preparatory education. Amid these difficulties I could not think of turning my attention to anything else; and I really felt that life was of no value to me if I could not spend it in the ministry. I mention not this as an evidence of my call to the ministry, for whatever purpose God may have had in it, in reference to my after being called to the ministry. I consider it not in that light, but as showing the great zeal the natural mind may be wrought up to in religion, and in reference to the ministry.
Mr. Neal, in view of the difficulties in the way of my obtaining a collegiate education, advised me not to aim at it, as the Western Presbytery of New York, at that time, would admit persons into the ministry without their having graduated. Following his advice, I soon turned from the Latin to the study of the Greek and other studies which he thought more useful. Though I thus conformed to Mr. Neal's direction, and notwithstanding my zeal for the ministry, I had no notion of entering it without such qualifications as would give me a pretty fair standing in it.
Mr. Neal having received a call to the Presbyterian Church in Albany, left Cooperstown in Sept. of 1809. I therefore concluded as soon as the school closed in which I was then engaged, to leave that region also. Just before this the Theological School at Andover, Mass. had been established, I thought if I was in that region I might gain through college, and that the course of studies there would make up for any deficiency in my scientific studies. I accordingly left Cooperstown early in Oct., went into Mass., and succeeded in getting the school in the village of Watertown, seven miles from Boston.
Here I found myself in the midst of Unitarianism, the minister and people in Watertown were of the looser class. I therefore had no religious society here. But there being an orthodox minister, so called, who preached in Newton, four or five miles distant, I principally attended meeting there. In the latter part of the winter, a young lady of Boston, a member of the First Baptist Church there, came out on a visit to the
family where I boarded and spent several weeks. As we pretty much agreed on doctrinal points I had a good deal of satisfaction in her society, and became quite attached to her. I mention this, because I shall have occasion to refer to her again. I, a short time before my engagement in the school was out, called on Dr. Griffin, one of the principal professors in Andover School, who then resided in
Boston, to enquire as to the terms of admittance into the School. He informed me that their rules were to admit I none but graduates into the school, and that they could not depart from them. This was a sore disappointment to my hopes of attaining to the ministry. But he kindly informed me that the Presbytery in New Jersey, from whence he was, had funds for assisting poor young men to obtain an education for the ministry, and he thought if I was there I might obtain assistance. My attention was next turned to New Jersey.
l will here relate a rather singular exercise I had a little before this. It was Sunday, March 11th, I had attended meeting at Newton, but had felt very cold and dull, on returning to my boarding house, I concluded to retire to my room and spend a season in prayer. I had not been long thus engaged, before there appeared before me two lights, and the suggestion was made to my mind, that these were the Father and Son, and that they had manifested themselves thus to me, as a token of God's love to me, and that He was going to make me happy.
Immediately my passions were raised to an ecstasy of joy and love to God indescribable, I even imagined that my soul was leaving the body and was going to heaven. I thought I felt lt rising up in me, and as being just ready to depart, and the delight I felt at the idea, and the praises I poured forth on account of it I cannot describe. After awhile, I thought I felt my soul sinking down into my body, but I would have given the world for it not to return back and having to go again into the world. From this the ecstasy subsided, and when I attempted to rise off my knees, I found myself so exhausted by the excitement that I could not do it, I had just to prostrate myself on the floor and lie for some time before I recovered strength to get up. On reflecting on this, the idea arose that it might have been a delusion of Satan, immediately the suggestion was made "Satan cannot love," and that as I felt such love to God, it must have been from God. It was thus kindly overruled to be quite a support to me under the disappointments I shortly after had to meet. But I have long since known it to have been a delusion of Satan practiced upon me, for there was in it no view of the mediation and atonement of Christ, the only medium of a sinner's acceptance with God. Of this I was at that time ignorant. The love was nothing but a natural love arising from the imagination that God was going to make me happy. The lights arose from some natural cause, I have frequently seen them since, probably in consequence of the position my eyes were in toward the window. From having experienced this exercise and known its delusion, I have no confidence in those relations we frequently hear of great lights, and great excitements of love to God where there is no view of Christ as the medium of acceptance.
After closing my engagements at Watertown, I went to Newport, R.I., thence by water to New York, and from thence into New Jersey. At Morristown I engaged for a few weeks as an assistant in one of the academies there, when I obtained a school in Hanover, and had the opportunity of boarding with the Presbyterian minister of the place and of receiving some instruction from him in my studies.
On my way to Morristown I called upon the Presbyterian minister in Newark, New Jersey, to make some enquiries about schools. Whilst there two or three other ministers called, and mention was made of a new work on infant baptism by Dr. Porter. All united in speaking of it as a masterpiece on the subject. Immediately the idea suggested itself to me that I would purchase one and send on to my Baptist friend in Boston, hoping it might convince her of her error on that subject. Not in reference to the mode of baptism, for I had been convinced from my study of Greek, and of Ecclesiastical History, that immersion was the original and proper mode, and had felt sorry that it had been changed. But in reference to the subjects, for I was a strenuous advocate for the seal of the covenant, as baptism was considered, being put on infants. Whilst at Morristown, I procured one of those books, but concluded before sending it on, I would read it myself. I did so. I found Dr. Porter's position to be that the Abrahamic covenant was still in force under the gospel, that the children of believers under it now stood in the same relation to their parents as formerly the Israelitish children did to their parents, that only the seals of the covenant were changed, that baptism had been substituted in the place of circumcision, and the Lord's Supper in the place of the Passover.
On reading this, the idea struck me, that if this position was correct, that, as formerly every circumcised child had a right to eat of the Passover, so now every baptized child must have a right to eat of the Lord's Supper. I could see no consistent way to avoid this conclusion. But the conclusion I was not willing to admit, for I believed there was an experimental change necessary to a person's being a proper subject for partaking of the Lord's Supper. I thought rather than submit to such an inconsistency, I would examine the Baptist ground. But again it occurred to me that if I should become a Baptist, all my hopes of obtaining assistance to prosecute my studies would be frustrated. In this dilemma, I soothed my conscience by solemnly promising the Lord, that if my hopes of obtaining assistance to pursue my studies were cut off I would then examine the ground for believer's baptism. The book I laid aside, without sending it as before designed.
In Hanover, I found myself in the enjoyment of what I esteemed religious privileges, such as I had not before enjoyed. There had been a revival fever a year or two before, and a number of young persons had joined the church. Their zeal had not yet died away, so that they kept up frequent prayer meetings. I was soon introduced among them, and put forward to take a leading part in these meetings. But whilst this was the case on the one hand, I on the other was made to feel the corruptions of my nature, far I more than I ever had before, causing me much to doubt whether there was any reality in my religion. In looking at some of the entries in my diary during this Summer, I should think that they had been penned by a tempted, doubting believer, were it not for the legality so apparent in them. I speak in them about my inability to do anything, that God must do all for me by His grace, and of my entire dependence on Christ for acceptance, &c., I and yet there is a rotten, legal, self-doing spirit running through the whole.
My reading was of the more evangelical class of authors, as they are called, such as John Newton, and even Dr. Hawker's "Zion's Pilgrim" was a favorite book with me. I no doubt imbibed their mode of expression. I mention these things to show how the natural mind may be molded into a gospel mode of thinking and expression, whilst we are ignorant of our helplessness, though I was being taught to feel the power of my corruptions, though ignorant of Christ.
In reference to my corruptions, in order to get relief, I occasionally, on Saturdays when I had no school, retired to the woods and spent the day in fasting and prayer that God would relieve me from them. I would write solemn covenants that I would not indulge in any evil thought or propensity, nor indulge in any trifling conversation, &c., and sign my name to them. I find two or three such in my diary. I think I once or twice, in order to make it more solemn, drew blood from my finger and wrote on loose paper covenants of this kind. But all would not do, my corruptions still appeared to triumph. One night returning from my school, borne down with a sense of my corruptions, I went into my room I and threw myself upon my bed, and whilst there, drew the conclusion that that all I had experienced was from Satan, that he had been working upon me to make a polished hypocrite of me.
Immediately therefore the charge was made against me: Now you have committed the sin against the Holy Ghost, for the Spirit of God has been at work with you, and you have now ascribed His work to Satan. I immediately sprang upon my feet and walked my room for some time, in as complete despair as I believe a living man is capable of. At length I was relieved by the thought that if the work was Satan's, I had committed no sin in charging it to him, if it was the work of the Holy Ghost, I could not commit the unpardonable sin, for He would carry it on until the day of Jesus Christ. I went on in this way attending zealously to the forms of religion both public and private, but thus harassed with corruptions, temptations of various kinds, and doubts, until in September I got hold of a work of Dr. Bellamy's entitled, "True Religion Delineated." I determined at once to read it, and test myself carefully by it.
This book commences with a representation of God and of His attributes, and of the fitness that He should be loved and obeyed, and goes on to describe the requisitions of the law, that we should love God with all our heart, &c. I was one day sitting in my room reading this part when I felt the enmity of my heart so rise against the requisition that I went on in the flowing out of this enmity, to say to myself: It is unjust in God to require that we should thus love Him, that there is no fitness in it; that I can see nothing in the works of creation that shows Him worthy to be loved, yea, said I, I cannot see any evidence that there is a God. As I uttered this last expression, I involuntarily raised my eyes toward the window, and a handsome red apple hanging on a tree nearby, met them, and I so saw the wisdom and goodness of God manifested, in causing that apple to grow there, that at once all my atheism was knocked in the head, and with it, all my religion that I had been nourishing and building up for three years, was prostrated in the dust. I had, I saw, all that time been worshipping an unknown God; had mocked God with a form of godliness, whilst my heart retained such enmity to Him as to deny His right to require me to love Him, and even as to deny His existence. My past religious performances now appeared as in the sight of God the most odious of all the sins I had ever committed .
No.3
Brother Beebe: - I closed my last No. with an account of the blasting of all my former hopes, by a discovery of the awful enmity of my heart to God. But distressed as I was, I did not at that time sink into despair. A glimmering hope arose in my mind, that as the Lord had been pleased to show me my true situation, He perhaps intended to appear for my deliverance. I felt to praise Him that He had not suffered me to continue longer in my ignorance, and that He had suffered me still to have a being on the earth. He left me to go on bowed down as a very wretch upon earth, for upwards of two weeks, when on Saturday night, Oct.l3th, 1810, I concluded I would once more retire to my room, and examine myself to see if there was any evidence of God's having begun a good work in me, any evidence of my having any love to God.
As I entered my room, I knelt down and tried to pray, I could not, my mind seemed entirely shut up. I arose, took my Bible and turned to certain passages and tried to read and reflect on them. I could not, I was unable to trace any reflection, to connect two ideas, my mind seemed a perfect blank. I again kneeled down and tried to pray with no better success, again arose and opened my Bible, it was the same, almost frantic with distress, I again kneeled, and finding myself no more able to pray than before, the suggestion was made to me, "You now see that there is no hope for you, God has evidently given you up to hardness of heart, and blindness of mind," I felt it was true, all hope vanished, I sprang to my feet and walked the room. I judged for fifteen or twenty minutes in absolute despair, when at length without thinking what I was doing, I turned to the table, took up my Bible, and as I took it up, it opened in my hands to the 99th Psalm and the 5th verse met my eyes, "exalt ye the Lord our God, and worship at His footstool, for He is holy." I With this a sense of the sovereign majesty and holiness of God filled my mind, I felt to praise and exalt Him, felt a deep reverence for His majesty and greatness, felt the witness that myself and all creatures should be at His disposal, that we were as nothing before Him, that it was His sovereign right to save whom He pleased, and leave to perish whom He pleased. There was no excitement of feelings, no thoughts about my individual salvation, but there was a sense of my nothingness before Him, and a submitting of myself into His hands to do with me as He pleased. My mind was principally occupied with a view of the exalted character, and of the universal and rightful sovereignty of God over all things.
I slept but little that night, it was the happiest night I ever have experienced, and probably the happiest season I shall experience in time. Hence I have sometimes taken occasion to say that the happiest moments of a Christian's life are those in which God is the most exalted in his view, and he most humbled in the dust before Him.
The next morning I concluded that the experience of the past night was an evidence of God's love to me, and that He would save me, I was therefore quite comfortable in mind, and remained so until the Wednesday following. I concluded in the evening after school to go to Morristown. I had before, through a friend, applied to the Presbyterian minister of Morristown to lay my case before the Presbytery then about to set, and to see what encouragement they could give me of assistance in prosecuting my studies, and expected, by going that evening, to receive an answer. On arriving at my friend's, I learned that there was no encouragement for me, that the Presbytery had then under their charge more young men than they had funds to support, and that there were other applications before mine. Although this was a death blow to my hopes in reference to the ministry, yet being in company with Presbyterian friends with whom I had formed an intimacy, the evening passed pleasantly off, until retiring to bed, when I got into my room, my disappointment rushed upon my mind with such force, that the heavens over my head appeared as brass, and the earth under my feet as iron. I said to myself - I can see nothing to hope for either in heaven, or on earth. I stood in this forlorn state of mind but a minute or two, when these feelings subsided, I went to bed, and slept.
The next morning I arose and started early, in order to get back to my school in season. On my way back, I got to reflecting on my sad disappointment, when this question was pressed upon my mind: What will you do now with the promise you made the Lord last Spring to examine the Baptist ground in case certain circumstances occurred? I immediately saw that the very circumstances on which I had predicated my promise, had now occurred, that all hopes were now gone of obtaining an education for the ministry, I concluded at once to fulfill my promise. I went on to my school, and in the short recess for play in the forenoon, the examination I was about to undertake being on my mind, I concluded I would muster up my principal arguments for infant baptism, preparatory to the examination so that if I was convinced against infant baptism, it should be fairly done. I thought over one which had been a favorite argument with me: namely, that the Jews as a people were remarkably tenacious of the religious privileges they enjoyed under the provisions of the Abrahamic Covenant, that among these privileges was that of bringing their children under the blessings of that covenant by circumcision. Hence that if this privilege had been abrogated under the gospel, we should have heard of their finding fault therewith.
My thoughts had no sooner passed over this argument, that the troubles which had been occasioned in the churches of Galatia by Judaizing teachers relative to circumcision, and Paul's argument on that subject, as also what had occurred in the church at Antioch, and the decision of the Apostles and elders at Jerusalem on the same subject, all rushed at once upon my mind. And I saw that all this arose from Jews provisions to the provisions of the Abrahamic covenant, and hence their contending for circumcision, and also that if baptism had come in the room of circumcision, as a seal of that covenant, how easy it would have been for the apostle to have satisfied the minds of the Jews by stating that fact, thus showing that the baptized Gentile stood exactly on the same ground as though he had been circumcised, the form of the seal only having been changed from circumcision to baptism, a milder form, but of the same effect. But neither Paul nor the Apostles at Jerusalem, I saw, had hinted at any such idea. Indeed upon the ground of baptism having come in the room of circumcision, there could have been no possible excuse for the Jewish disciples still to contend for circumcision, seeing He whom they received as the Messiah had instituted the change. Of course, not only was my argument prostrated, but the whole foundation on which infant baptism in my estimation stood, and on which it alone can be made to stand, was demolished at once, and my mind was prepared to go and receive what the New Testament said on the subject of baptism as a gospel institution, disentangled from the Abrahamic covenant.
I accordingly as soon as I was out of school commenced in good earnest reading the various passages in the New Testament in which reference was made to baptism, they were all new to me. Texts which I had formerly thought favored infant baptism, now appeared decidedly against it. Many texts now appeared so clearly to point out believers as the only proper subjects of baptism that I wondered whether the Baptists had ever seen those texts as I then viewed them, for I thought if they had, they would have been able to have convinced the whole world on that subject. For the sake of satisfying my curiosity, I went into New York and procured a work on baptism, but found the Baptists had the same views of those texts I then had, and had contended for those views. Not only this, but I wrote off my views and exercises on this subject, and showed them to some of my Presbyterian friends, but instead of convincing them on the subject, I found it was casting pearls before swine, they had no heart to receive those views, but turned to rend me by representing that I was turning Baptist in order the more easily to get into the ministry, whereas my anxiety to get into the ministry was what had kept me for the last five months from examining this subject.
I here learned an important lesson, that the prejudices of education may so blind our minds against the light even on so plain an external ordinance as is baptism that we cannot see the truth, only as the Lord is pleased to open our eyes to see. Having my mind somewhat exercised with the subject of baptism, I went on tolerably comfortable in mind until near the last of the month, when one night being in company with several Presbyterian friends, the subject of Christian experience was introduced, and one gentleman took occasion to remark, that true Christian experience must embrace in it faith in Christ, and therefore a revelation of Christ crucified as the way of acceptance with God. I at once fully consented to the truth of this remark, but I was as fully satisfied that it was something I had never experienced, hence all my hope of being a Christian was again taken from me. For two days I stood in my own view as a condemned and hopeless wretch. On the 31st of Oct., at night I concluded that I would go up into my room and once more try to pray. As I was going up the stairs, this question arose in my mind, what are you going to pray for, there is no possible hope of your ever being saved? I stopped for a moment, or two, when this thought arose in my mind, I can pray that, if God is pleased to send me to hell, instead of blaspheming His name, I may be permitted to praise His justice in sending me there. I then went on with the intention of putting up this petition.
As I went into my room and knelt down, at first there came over me a drawing back of feeling, a want of an entire cordial acknowledgment of the justice of God in sending me to hell, but this soon gave way and I felt cordially to acknowledge His justice in my final condemnation, and to put up the petition that I might through eternity praise His justice in sending me to hell. Immediately upon this, as I was there on my knees, the account of Abraham's offering his son Isaac as in Gen.22 was brought to my view. Isaac as bound and laid upon the altar, appeared as representing the case of the heirs of promise, and as fully representing my then case, as bound by the law and doomed by its condemnatory sentence to death, as Abraham knew nothing but to inflict the death blow, so the law knew nothing but to inflict the curse upon the sinner.
My attention was then turned to Abraham's arm, being arrested by the angel's call to him, and the ram caught in the thicket by his horns being taken by him and sacrificed in the place of Isaac. This ram appeared to represent Christ as involved in the demands of the law, in the power of His Godhead, by virtue of His headship and union with His people, and therefore as made to suffer the penalty of the law in their stead. My views were not as distinct on all these points as I have here (in The Signs) given them, but the substitution of Christ in the place of the condemned sinner was fully presented to view. And the atonement of Christ appeared so full and so exactly adapted to my helpless, guilty and condemned case, that surely, I said to myself, as I viewed it, God must have had me in view when He made this rich provision in His Son. I was therefore enabled confidently to rely on His atonement for pardon, and to plead it for my acceptance with God, and the sense of condemnation was gone. I was, of course, filled with gratitude and praise for this wonderful display of God's love and grace to a wretch like me, but still the happiness was not like that I experienced on the night of the 13th, that was something peculiar, self was in a great measure lost sight of, and God in His glorious character and sovereignty occupied my view.
Now I felt a deep sense of my own vileness. I do not know whether it is common or not, few at any rate speak of this exercise relating their deliverance, but for myself, I had never before felt such meltings of heart on account of sin, nor saw sin to be so vile as now, - not as contrasted with the demands of the law, but as contrasted with the goodness and mercy of God. I pled that the Lord would henceforth rule over me and in me, and that He would take me out of the world, rather than leave me ever again to sin against such goodness. It is true I had been accustomed from all I had read and also heard to consider Isaac as a type of Christ, but the view given at this time was so clear, and came with such power that I unhesitatingly received it as the truth of God. And I afterwards found that the Scriptures represent Isaac as the figure of those born after the Spirit, and of the children of promise. Gal.4:28 & 29.
Strange as it may appear, I did not once think of this being the new birth, or a being born into gospel liberty through faith now given me in Christ. I had no idea of what Christian experience, or the new birth, was, other than that God must implant His love in the heart, and that be carried out in our experience and obedience. I had never heard experience preached. I had read of some persons having extraordinary exercises, but I had been led, particularly by the ministry, to think that if any had these exercises, it was not prudent to speak of them, as it would tend to discourage others who had not had such exercises. I viewed each of the exercises above related, as they severally occurred, as manifestations of God's special favor to me, but I did not feel free to speak of them, not only on account of its being as above remarked, not prudent, but I also felt it would be presuming in me to tell of having such exercises. Yet from the facts that from the time I had the discovery of the enmity of my heart on, I had felt myself helpless and laying at the mercy of God, and that but two days before this last exercise, I had been led to consider a revelation of Christ and faith in His atonement an essential part of Christian experience, and further that from this time I could never bring back that legal bondage and those terrors I had felt before, though I often tried hard for it. I cannot satisfactorily account for my great stupidity in having no adequate idea of the import and place of these exercises in Christian experience, only that my eyes were holden, as were the eyes of the two disciples who journeyed
to Emmaus.
Having a comfortable hope now of acceptance with God, I felt desirous of being baptized. I knew there was an old Baptist meeting house in Morristown, and had been told there were a people who occasionally met there for worship. After some enquiry I found where two of the members lived, a man and his wife, I went one evening to see them, and informed them of my situation and wish to be baptized. They informed me that they had no preacher at that time, but that Elder Parkinson of New York had promised to visit them, and that if word could be got to him, he no doubt would come out and baptize me. I offered with their approbation to go and invite him out. Knowing that my Boston friend was at that time in New York on a visit, I in a few days after, went and through her got an introduction to Elder Parkinson, who after questioning me somewhat on my exercises, gave me an appointment for Morristown. On my return I gave those members information of the appointment, a church meeting was called for that time, I went before the church and was examined, for I did not relate any of the particular points of my experience excepting that on baptism, so ignorant was I of their special importance to evidence my being born of God, but still after Elder Parkinson had questioned me pretty closely as to my reliance on Christ &c. I was received and baptized at Morristown, the same day, Saturday December 22nd, 1810. But instead of going on my way rejoicing, while at the water a heavy dark cloud came over my mind, which with the exception of occasionally some little break and manifestation of Divine favor, lasted me about fourteen months.
No.4
Brother Beebe: - It is not that I take any pleasure in aggravating the feelings of those brethren, who are so tired of seeing my name in the Signs, and of my long pieces as they call them, that I thus protract this relation of my experience, but it is, that I think the relation would be deficient without extending it to my deliverance from under that cloud I spoke of in my last. Perhaps, however, some may think I am under it yet.
I will go back and relate one exercise which I passed over previous to my being baptized. After the arrangement had been made for a church meeting and for my coming before the church, as I was sitting in my room one night reflecting on the subject, all at once the view rushed upon my mind of the host of learned and, I thought, pious men, and of Doctors of Divinity which was on the side of the Paedo Baptists, together with the Reformers, and the thought that I, an ignorant youth, should turn from them, and in effect pronounce them all in error, was overwhelming, and I was nearly ready to form the conclusion to draw back from what I had undertaken, when this expression of Paul's came with power to my relief, "immediately I conferred not with flesh and blood," Gal.l:l6. My mind was again calmed. Paul, when God was pleased to reveal His Son in him and to call him to preach Him, had to leave all whom he had esteemed as the learned Doctors of the law and the most religious of the Jews, immediately he conferred not with flesh and blood, but alone obeyed God, so I felt in this case, it was my duty to do. I learned a lesson then which I have not yet forgotten, namely: that whenever the Scriptures have been opened up to my view, so that my mind has been convinced of the truth of any subject as taught in the Scriptures, I have felt constrained to advance and advocate it, without conferring with flesh and blood, whoever might oppose. In no instance have I, in reference to the great leading points I have discussed through the Signs, been led to bring forward a sentiment that is a newer thing than was believers baptism to me, and in no instance have I in advocating any of those sentiments, had to depart from a greater host of esteemed standard writers than in leaving the ranks of infant baptism. I might go further on this point in reference to Scriptural authority, but I will forbear.
To pursue my experience, under that dark cloud, it was soon accompanied with an awful war of the elements within me. I recollect having said in writing to a friend shortly after my baptism that I had thought the summer before I had a full view of my corruptions, but that I then only saw the surface of them, but now, like the billows of the ocean, they came foaming up from an unfathomable depth. Soon therefore did I most seriously regret that I had ever been baptized, for I was most sure that my corruptions would overcome me, and I should bring reproach upon the Baptist church and cause, which I now believed was the cause of Christ.
My first plan to avoid this insufferable evil was to put an end to my existence. But I reflected that if it should be discovered that I had killed myself, the reproach would be equally as bad upon the cause, as in the other case. I therefore set my mind to work to devise a plan how I could do it, and not have it discovered. When, however, I had the plan arranged so that I thought it would answer, I was suddenly reminded of the rightful sovereignty of God over His creatures, as I had seen it in October before, and felt that if it was His pleasure to make use of me as a rod to chastise and humble His people, by leaving me to fall under my corruptions, I ought to submit to His sovereignty in this, as well as in other things. This drove the thoughts of suicide from my mind for a time. Still my corruptions raged and the thoughts of falling and bringing reproach upon the cause I dreaded .
My next resort to save the cause was to have my name crossed off from the church book. Accordingly one night after school, though there was a deep snow on the ground, I walked eight miles to the brother's on whom I had first called, to get them to have my name taken off the book. In the course of' the evening after I got there, having occasion to turn to a Concordance, I opened it, and this part of the text, I Kings 8:38 met my eye, "Which shall know every man the plague of his own heart." Surely thought I, this Is my case, for I do know the plague of my own heart. And if such characters, I thought, were included in Solomon's prayer at the dedication of the Temple, then they must be included in Christ's intercession. I was relieved for the time, and went back to my school the next morning, concluding to let my name remain on the church book.
As the Presbyterians had charged me with joining the Baptists in order more easily to get into the ministry, I had concluded that I would not think of engaging in the ministry, for a year or two at least. But it was now suggested to me that it was wrong to take that resolution from fear of the reproaches of the Presbyterians, and that God was leaving me to suffer these trials in consequence of it. I now concluded that I would go to the church and mention the case to them, and if they saw fit to give me an I opportunity to exercise my gift, I would do it. They very readily consented, having indeed anticipated it, a special meeting of the church was appointed to give me a hearing. No sooner was this done than it was worse with me than before. It was bad enough I thought to impose myself upon the church as a member and I was going to impose myself upon them with all my corruptions, as a preacher. I went back again in a few days to see some of the members, and get the appointment recalled, but was persuaded out of it.
On March 17, 1811, I went before the church and tried to speak from a text; was almost entirely shut up, said but very little, and when I retired for the brethren to consult, I concluded the matter was now decided, that they would not encourage me any further, but they otherwise decided, and made another appointment for me, and I consented to it. I was again distressed because I had done so, but having more liberty the next time, I consented to another appointment, I thus went on having appointments made for me, in the meantime harassed so with my corruptions and doubts whether it was possible I could be a subject of grace, and repeatedly concluding when the pending appointment was filled I would consent to no more, until June 17th the church licensed me as a preacher.
Why the church was satisfied to license me, I can account for only on the ground of their being so accustomed to hearing Presbyterian preaching, for mine was of that same formal kind. My being licensed made my case no better, it was no relief from the strong workings of my corruptions, and therefore not from my darkness, nor from my doubts, both as to the propriety of my attempting to preach, and of my being a child of God. It is true I had a hope which I could not renounce, that I was a subject of grace, but instead of being unwilling to part with it for the world; as many say, I often felt that if it was anything tangible, I would tear it from my breast, and cast it from me with a determination no more to indulge in it, until l experienced a new work. I, however, went on trying to preach from time to time, could not muster resolution to give it up, though often determined to do it.
In the fall some of the brethren made arrangements with Elder Parkinson [1774-1848] for me to go and spend three or four months with him, that I might have access to his library. And in view of his instructing me in Hebrew, of which I wished to obtain a knowledge, I consented to the arrangement. But again this was a fresh source of distress to me, so much so, that I one day retired to the woods, to spend the day in seeking direction of God, both as to the ministry, and as to going into New York. Whilst thus waiting upon God I had a text given me which gave me considerable encouragement in reference to the ministry, and in reference to going to Elder Parkinson's this text was given me and applied with some power, "Arise and go into the city, and it shall be told thee what thou must do." Acts 9:6. I accordingly went, but I carried the cloud and my depravity with me. I had not been there long before, if I had had the means at command, I would have taken the stage and gone where I would not be known or heard of by any who had known me as a professor of religion, and where I could therefore pass as a non-professor. But adequate means were wanting, and I had to remain. I thought at times it was impossible such a wretch as I could be a subject of grace, and concluded the longer I lived I was but aggravating my final condemnation the more by my pretensions to preaching and to religion, and repeatedly prayed God to cut me off at once, let what would be my final portion, rather than leave me longer to deceive His people, and expose His cause to reproach, by that probability of my being overcome by my corruptions.
Elder Parkinson occasionally required me to preach for him on Sunday mornings, as I was also frequently called on to go to other places and preach. But being under the cloud as well as far from being satisfied that I was called to preach, my preaching was of course dull and formal. I thought that my preaching in Elder Parkinson's church was not very acceptable, as taking his place. I inferred from it that the brethren did not think me called to preach. His custom was when he wished me to preach on Sundays, to give me notice on Saturday morning that I might study a discourse. Such was his practice, and I had borrowed the same from him. This practice I continued to some extent for several years after, that is when I had opportunity, and could find texts beforehand. l finally was led to drop the practice for these reasons.
1st: I frequently could not obtain a text from which to preach in time for study, often not till I got to the place of preaching.
2nd: I found by experience that the Lord could give me at the time as clear views of a text as He could beforehand. And thirdly: I found that when it was His pleasure to give at the time clear views of the subject, I enjoyed the preaching more myself, and therefore felt more animation in speaking than when I had studied the subject beforehand.
l once at the commencement of my speaking in public, tried carrying notes with me into the pulpit, but I found myself so embarrassed with them that I never tried it afterwards. In consequence of the opinion I had formed as above mentioned of the reception of my preaching, I began to desire that Elder Parkinson would not ask me any more to preach for him. On Saturday morning, my mind being much oppressed with doubts, I hesitated somewhat about going into the study, lest he should tell me I must preach the next morning, and when I went in, I thought I earnestly desired he would not. On going in, he related to me that as he had been absent considerably of late (which had been the case) he would preach all day on the morrow, to prevent the complaints of brethren. Although this was just what I had wished, the moment he said it, the suggestion arose in my mind: Now Elder Parkinson as well as the brethren, believes I am not called to preach and that I am a base hypocrite. This created a storm in my breast indescribable, I could hardly contain myself.
But I sat down to my table I find tried to compose my mind to study, it was of no use! I shoved my books from me, and at once concluded I would go over onto Long Island, where I knew there then were retired places, within convenient distance, and spend the day in supplicating God in mercy to direct me to what was my duty. As I took my hat to go, I had the precaution to take my knife out of my pocket, and leave it on the table, lest if I did not obtain relief, if I might be tempted to commit suicide. As I went out of the study door, the thought occurred to me that I would go into my lodging room, and pray to the Lord to go with me and direct me. Whilst there thus engaged, my mind became somewhat composed, and the idea was suggested to me that I had better go back into the study, and read a certain pamphlet which had been laid on Elder Parkinson's table a few days before. I went back and took up the book which was the experience of a person in England written by himself in a letter to William Huntington, and was by him thus published.
As I read it, I saw the path in which the Lord had led me delineated step by step. Like myself this man had been a professor for some years previous to his being brought into gospel liberty, had been a zealous legalist, had had his foundation suddenly all knocked from under him, as mine was, and afterwards, Christ had been revealed to him as the substitute of the sinner, and the end of the law for righteousness. As he described these exercises as a being killed by the law, and a being born again, born into gospel liberty, I was led to understand such to have been the nature of the exercises I passed through during the months of Sept. & Oct. 1810, as before described, that then it was, I was slain by the law, and then that I became a believer in Christ, and was born of God. The cloud that I had been so long under now in some measure broke, and I enjoyed a comfortable hope of being a new creature. From this I was led on to see what a galling yoke of bondage the law and legal religion was; and how lovely and glorious was gospel liberty and gospel grace as contrasted with legal service. Still the cloud was not altogether dissipated, the doubts as to my call to the ministry were as great as ever.
At length in hopes that the Lord would decide the point for me, I plead with Him, that if He had not designed me for the ministry, I might not be called on to preach for four weeks, and I solemnly promised that if this should be the case, I would not again attempt it. I passed over that week, the next Sunday and most of the week after, without being called on to preach, excepting at one night meeting where the preacher expected, disappointed, and that I set down for nothing. I began therefore to conclude that the Lord was about now to decide the case for me, I felt somewhat composed waiting the result, and satisfied to abide by whatever the Lord should decide in the case, whether to preach, or to give it up. On the Friday night of this second week, at the hour of retiring, Elder Parkinson started to go to bed, and I immediately followed. I had to pass his room door in going to my room. He opened his door and went partly into his room, and as I was passing his door, he turned back, and said to me in a very decided tone: "Brother Trott, you must preach on Sunday morning, and you may prepare yourself for it as soon as you please." I have never been able to devise any reason he could have had for giving me that early notice, and for speaking in that abrupt manner. But if a clap of thunder had burst over my head, it would not have astonished me more.
As soon as I could think, I turned to beg of him to recall it, and let me pass without preaching, and lo, he had retired into his room, and shut his door upon me. I then immediately went into my room and threw myself upon my knees or perhaps prostrate on the floor, to entreat of the Lord to interpose and decide the case for me. Whilst there, my mind received the impression that it was my duty to go forward and preach, a text was impressed on my mind from which to preach on Sunday morning, and so clearly opened up to my view, that there was no need of further study to prepare me for preaching from it. This was on the 8th of Feb. 1812.
No. 5
Brother Beebe: - Here I come with another yarn, though I think I will wind up with this. On Sunday morning I preached from the text given me mentioned at the conclusion of my last. My preaching to me was entirely different from any of my former preaching. Before, my preaching was a formal thing, now I preached in faith, felt that I spake that I did know. and testified that I had seen. From that period, (if sent at all) I date my being sent of God to preach. Whatever purpose God may have had in my former exercises on the subject relative to my being sent into the ministry, all my former preaching I consider as a running before I was sent. The cloud seemed now to depart, and thus I conceive was fulfilled the declaration made to me the fall before, "Go into the city and it shall be told thee what thou must do." But it was not long before I was as much troubled with the calm as I had been before with the tempest.
I do not wish to be understood by what I have said above about preaching in faith, that I am always enabled to preach in faith, any more than I can always pray in faith. But I wish to say that with the gospel preacher, as with the gospel hearer, there is a preaching in faith, as there is a hearing in faith; and there is by the same preacher, a preaching at times, when only the powers of his own mind, enlightened to be sure as they have been in the knowledge of spiritual things, are engaged in bearing testimony to the truth, as there are times in which the believer only hears with his natural understanding, in this case he judges of the truth, but he does not feel it or feed on it. If the experience of others agree with me on this point, they must also agree that faith is distinct from the exercises of any of the faculties of the human soul, that it is a fruit of the Spirit.
Further in reference to my preaching, there have been times when I felt comfortable on going into the pulpit, and all at once a dark cloud has come over my mind, or the subject, which seemed to cast a mist all around me, so as to effect my powers of vision in looking at the congregation. Again, there have been seasons, when for months, I have enjoyed none of the comforts of religion, only when I was preaching, and then I was almost uniformly enabled to preach in faith, point out the experience and trials peculiar to the Christian, and in faith hold forth the fullness of Christ, and the consolations suiting the case of such, and when I have closed, and thought of what I had been preaching, I could no more apply it to myself than I could clear away the clouds from the natural sky. At times I have viewed this as according to Scripture, that the witnesses instead of retaining the golden oil, were to empty it out of themselves through the golden pipes of ministerial gifts. See Zech.4 and Rev. 11:4. The business of a servant also corresponds with the above, though he may at times eat of what is left. But it is good for him at times to be taught his business, namely, to set forth the provisions to the family and guests instead of eating them himself. At other times this experience in reference to preaching has been a source of much doubting and distress.
Soon after, my mind received satisfaction in reference to the ministry. I returned to the vicinity of Morristown with the expectation of preaching for that church. But I went not with my mind impressed with a desire to convert souls. I went deeply impressed with the evil of that legal bondage which I knew by past experience was so prevalent in that region among the Presbyterians and others. I went therefore with the design of bearing my testimony against it, and to hold forth salvation as being of rich, free and sovereign grace reigning through the righteousness of Christ. I soon by that kind of preaching aroused a pretty severe opposition against me, both in and out of the church, I was charged freely with being an Antinomian, with bringing forward new things, and with creating divisions, &c. This drove me to search the Scriptures and to enquire more earnestly at the mouth of the Lord, and resulted in my becoming stronger in my views and in the defense of them.
From that day to this, the most aid I have received from man in forming my religious views has been through their opposition; thereby driving me from men to look to God and the Scriptures for my guidance. I have learned in my early experience many ideas from men. but have had again in many instances to unlearn them. I know that it has been my desire to learn of God and not of man, and He I think taught me that desire, in my early experience. Whether I have learned of Him, or deceived myself with my own fancies, it is not necessary for me to say. I am in God's hands, He knows me, and knows what to do with me. And brethren will, as is their right, judge for themselves whether to fellowship what I have related as my experience, as the teachings of God, or to reject it as a delusion. I will add that these charges which commenced at Morristown have been continued unto this day.
They were made against me in Kentucky, and when I came into Virginia, I found Luther Rice had brought from Kentucky and other places, and circulated here the charge of my being a pestilent fellow and a mover of divisions in churches. Hence those of the Old School who are keeping up the cry against me of bringing in new things and causing divisions, may see that they are but walking, in this thing, in the steps of the missionists. Whether this is evidence against me of being a disciple of Christ, I will not say. I know that neither Christ, nor His apostles in their day had the reputation of being very subservient or accommodating to the opinions and dogmas of the great and learned Doctors of Divinity, or of the law, of that and the preceding ages.
l have had an impression on my mind, since 1816 that I should live to see this land plucked up, that is to see our liberties overturned, and the church brought into captivity or under oppression. As it is somewhat connected with my experience, in reference to what I have above been noticing, I will state the ground of it.
Where I lived at that time in the State of Ohio, bordering on Indiana, the country I considered considerably destitute of preaching, and being confined to a school for support, I of course could not travel and preach as I wished. As I had not then seen the inconsistency of the mission plan of sending out preachers, with the New Testament order, I was thinking of writing on to New York to obtain an appointment to travel and preach in that region as a missionary, when this text was so applied as to make an impression on my mind. "The Lord saith thus, Behold that which I have built will I break down, and that which I have planted will I pluck up, even this whole land. And seekest thou great things for thyself, seek them not, for behold I will bring evil upon all flesh, saith the Lord, but thy life will I give thee for a prey in all places whither thou goest." Jer.45:4-5. I have, it is true, never felt very confident of living to see this government broken down, and our liberties plucked up. But so far as to seeking great things for myself it has been prophetically true.
In reference to engaging in business for the purpose of acquiring property, I have been invariably held back from it. And I have never been able to engage in those measures or advocate any system that was popular with the multitude but has been constrained by a regard to what I believed to be truth, in my preaching and in my intercourse with brethren, to advocate that doctrine and cause which has left me in the background among the few. I have been glad to retire to the cave Adullam, with that distressed, indebted, and discontented little company. I Sam.22:1-2. It was so when we were altogether as Baptists, and it seems it must be so among the Old School Baptists. My life also so far has been given me for a prey, both temporally and in reference to enjoying the fellowship of those whom I have esteemed as knowing the truth. I feel confident that our government will be broken down, and the church in her present privileges will be plucked up whether I live to see it or not. Though if brother Calvert is correct, and the church has passed her last fiery ordeal, and got into the Philadelphian state, the state of brotherly love, as Philadelphia signifies, and has an open door which no man can shut, Rev.3:7- 8, then it will not be so.
In reference to seeking to be distinguished as the leader of a party, I confidently say I never have had any ambition for it. Never have taken any steps calculated to accomplish it. Whenever the Lord has been pleased to give me to see the error of any views, which I in common with others have held, and also to understand the Scriptures as clearly revealing other views of the subject, instead of seeking to form a party by trying to disciple the members of churches to which I preached to my new views, I have in the first instance thrown them out broadcast, in preaching at associations, or published them through the Signs, where they were sure to be canvassed before they were received. Or if in any instance I have first spoken of them in private, it has been in a company of ministers. I make this statement, believing that some who have made the above charge against me, ought to know from circumstances, that the statement cannot be contradicted. I now make it, not so much to vindicate myself from the charge, for it cannot be long that the reproach will affect me, as to guard the minds of brethren from the prejudice attempted to be raised against the views I have advanced, by representing me as influenced by such motives in advancing them, views which I have thus advanced because I believed them, and still believe them, to be according to God's revealed Word.
Notwithstanding the opposition raised against my preaching at Morristown, the church in the course of the summer called me to ordination. And I was ordained August 30, 1812, not as the pastor of that church, for that I declined, finding no Scriptural authority for it, but to the gospel ministry.
I wish to offer one remark before closing. I think it will be admitted by many, that some of the exercises which I have related have been deep, and strongly marked. I call attention to this, because so many brethren and sisters complain that theirs were not so and think that if their exercises had been thus strongly marked, they should not doubt so much. Yet there are perhaps more of those who have been more severely handled with doubts than l have, thus showing that it is not any past testimony we have received of acceptance that can produce present faith, or relieve from present doubts, unless the Lord is pleased to give us a fresh realizing of those doubts.
Whenever the Lord enables us to walk by faith, we enjoy a comfortable hope. But when He leaves us to encounter the assaults of the adversary, and the corruptions of our own hearts, and with nothing but our reasoning powers to combat them, however much our reason or souls have been enlightened in the knowledge of spiritual things, we have but a sorry, gloomy, doubting time of it, and we are made to know that it is not by any power that we have that faith can be brought to our rescue. Surely those who think that faith is merely the result of testimony, and that their souls have been renovated, and changed from natural to spiritual and heavenly souls, can never have been under that fourteen months cloud which I had to pass through, in which time I could so calmly and deliberately reason on putting an end to my existence, nor under many trials and dark seasons, such as I have had since to pass. I can as soon believe that darkness is light as I can believe that my soul with any powers it now has, though I hope I am born of God in a new and distinct life, can of itself exercise a comfortable trust in Christ and reliance on God. If they have experienced a different change from me, I, of course, can know nothing of that. But am transgressing those rules which Brother Beebe has found it necessary to adopt in order to sustain the publication of the Signs. This shows the propriety of what I am now in closing about to do, for I do not believe it is In me to write one of those kind of neutral communications which shall interfere with no one's expressed opinions.
In winding up then, after acknowledging, I think with gratitude, the many and great indulgences brother Beebe has extended to me, in publishing my communications, I now take farewell of the Signs, not as a supporter and promoter of them and their circulation, and not, as not publishing through them such notices as I may have occasion to publish, but as a correspondent of the Signs. I do not this from opposition to the course adopted by brother Beebe in reference to the present volume, but as acquiescing in it. I know the turn which has been given to my mind in writing, and I know not that I can change it. And it appears quite manifest that we cannot have discussion through the Signs, without controversy, and if controversy is further admitted, it seems, or has been thought the Signs could not be supported in the publication of them. This, by and by, does not look as though the church is now in the state of brotherly love. I wish I could see it in that state. As I wish the publication to continue ever under the present arrangements, for two reasons, I draw back.
1st. I wish them continued, because they are so welcome a messenger and so comforting to many of the brethren and sisters who are so scattered as not to enjoy the privilege of hearing much gospel preaching, or of much personal intercourse with brethren.
2nd. Brother Beebe commenced the publication of the Signs, as a pioneer in the Old School Cause and under many difficult and discouraging circumstances, and has valiantly, laboriously, and successfully battled the whole New School phalanx. Now after enduring the burden and heat of the day, it would be truly a matter of grief to see him suffering defeat and loss through the Old School.
But in acquiescing in the neutrality of the Signs, that is in reference to the differences of sentiment among Old School Baptists, I must be allowed to say, that for myself I can consent to no neutrality, or armistice in reference to what has been so much the subject of controversy in the Signs, namely, what is called soul regeneration. For myself, I would as soon ground arms in reference to Fullerism as to that. The more I look at it the more I am convinced that it strikes as directly at the ground work of salvation as does Fullerisrn, though more covertly.
My reasons for occupying this decided stand against this sentiment, I probably shall, if providence permits, hereafter publish in pamphlet or circular form, and distribute as I have opportunity.
S. Trott
P.S. Brother Beebe, on reading over the third number of my experience in the Signs, I feel a desire to make a few additional remarks on one point. I mentioned that when faith was given me in Christ, it produced in me a deeper sense of my own vileness, and of the vileness of sin than I ever had felt before, &c. From my experience, I have been led to think that the repentance which Christ is exalted as a Prince and a Saviour to give consists in that sorrow for sin in itself considered and contrasted with God's love, which flows from faith in Christ, in distinction from that sense of just condemnation arising from the application of the law.
I used to insist in preaching that genuine faith in Christ would be accompanied with this loathing of self and of sin, in distinction from that Camp-meeting kind of faith, in which the mind of the individual seems altogether engrossed with joy, and shouting. But finding so few mentioning this as connected with faith, I have thought it might be making my own experience too much of a test. Still finding that those who give their experience through the Signs mention nothing of this increased sorrow for sin flowing from their faith, the query has arisen in my mind, whether it is because they did not think it important to notice it, or whether their experience was not so, and that it was and still is, in every fresh manifestation, thus connected in my experience in consequence of my peculiar vileness, for I know that I am and have been the vilest of the vile. There are some ancient worthies with Whose experience mine seems to have accorded, Job in particular. See Job 4:5-6. Isaiah and Daniel Isaiah 6:5, Daniel 10:8. On other hand, I know the declaration is, "He that believeth on the Son hath everlasting life." The question therefore again arises: Whether this believing on the Son does, or does not, uniformly produce this self abasement and sorrow for sin? I would be pleased to hear, through the Signs, the minds of brethren on this point. Not to participate with them in any discussion on it.
S.T.
From: SIGNS of the TIMES: Vol.19 (1851)
I admit with brother Barton that all who we believe are Christians, cannot give a circumstantial detail of all the way in which the Lord has led them to the hope of the gospel, but where they can give such detail, I like to hear it, and therefore wish now to give it. I think for myself that our brother Hall's relation would have been still more interesting had he related those somethings before and after he obtained mercy which he speaks of. There is nothing in God's teaching nor in His revelation, that is not worthy of our special notice.
I have thought I that those which some would call little circumstances, in which God's hand is manifested, appear more lovely than the more important exercises, as illustrative of the great condescension, compassion and faithfulness of Him with whom we have to do. As I am giving my thoughts I will further say that I think our object in writing our experience ought not to be simply to declare ourselves to be believers, but to show in our individual experience, God's sovereignly various ways of leading His children to the knowledge of the same truths.
EARLY LIFE
As an introduction to my religious experience, I wish to give a sketch of my early life, both as in some measure accounting for the extreme ignorance and stupidity concerning everything spiritual which my experience will show me to have possessed, and also as showing God's special providential watch over me in my vile untoward course in nature. Hence I shall probably be as much tedious as brother Hall was too brief.
I was born in Walpole, New Hampshire, was one of three children my mother had. My sister died before my mother, and my brother was burned up with the house in which he lived a year or two after, and my mother died when I was eight years old. My father who had been for several years riding as sheriff, and had thereby become involved, was about this time broken up as to property, and shortly after broke up housekeeping. From that early period in life, though my father lived several years after, I never knew the comforts of a parent's home, nor the solace of a brother or a sister's society. I had no near relatives on my father's side, and none that I knew; on my mother's side I had several, but circumstances around the above time caused me to become estranged from them. My father procured a kind and comfortable home for me, where I enjoyed all the advantages of a common school education, usual for boys in New England to have.
I continued in this family until I was nearly fifteen, when I went as an apprentice to a trade, to an unmarried gentleman, and who therefore boarded out his hands; and who had two shops, one in my native village and the other sixty miles from there in Vermont, at each of which I was occasionally. Thus excepting in shop hours I was thrown loose to my passions in villages, where gambling, drunkenness, and every species of fashionable vice was prevalent.
When about twelve, a gentleman of the family in which I lived, who owned a right in a public library in the village, granted me the use of his right to draw and read what books I pleased. My attention in this way was soon turned to novels and romances pretty much to the exclusion of other reading, when a circumstance occurred which so disgusted me with novel reading, that from that time I declared off from them.
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| Elhanan Winchester (1751-1797) |
When I was nearly twenty my boss changed his business, and gave me my time. I was now in more unpleasant circumstances than before, having no relatives to visit. no home to retreat to for rest, when out of employment, I had no alternative, when one job was done, but to travel in pursuit of another. In this way the first year I was free, I traveled through most of the New England States and a part of New York, sometimes by stage, or by water, but more generally on foot, according as my funds were. The second year I engaged for a year in Massachusetts to take charge of a shop. During the first year one circumstance occurred which I wish particularly to notice, and I wish to record my testimony to the kindness of a restraining providence, for I was truly a child of Providence, in that whilst others of my early associates who had parents to watch over them, fell over the gambling table, or the cup, or other vices, I, though possessing as strong passions and appetites as either of them, was restrained from dipping deeply into any of those vices, and was permitted throughout to enjoy a respectable standing in society.
The particular circumstance referred to was this: In common with perhaps most Universalists, I was inclined to deistical notions, but feeling an inward consciousness that there was a hereafter, I at times felt some anxiety to know whether there was a reality in religion or not. In the summer of 1805, being in Providence, R.I., I was one day in the front shop at work by myself, I got to reflecting on this subject, and my mind being wrought up to considerable anxiety about it. I exclaimed to myself, if there is a reality in religion, O, that God would give me some test by which I might know it. I said this, I think, more in a spirit of complaining, than of supplication, with all the distinctness and force, as if someone had spoken to me from above, these words fell upon my mind: "Read the Bible." Though I was at the time, as I still am confident that this was supernatural, for I cannot account for the impression on any natural principles, being so different from the bent or any reflections of my mind, yet I felt no disposition to obey, my mind seemed to revolt at the idea of such a gloomy task, as that of pondering over the Bible. Still however it had an effect, it silenced my infidelity, and led me to feel more of a respect for religion than I had been accustomed to.
During the next year I was one day when by myself led to reflect on the difference between the Universalists and other religionists, and came to the conclusion, that it was of no use to believe in universalism, for if the Universalists were correct, those who believed in a special salvation of individuals, were equally as safe as they were, else the salvation would not be universal. On the other hand if salvation was special and particular, and I was trusting in a general universal salvation, I should find myself deceived, I therefore gave it up. Still I had no idea of becoming religious. At the end of this second year, finding myself a little before hand as to funds, I determined to commence the pursuit of what I had long wished for, an education. As the minister of the adjoining town kept a boarding school for young men, in the fall of 1806 I entered his school. I had not been there over six weeks, had barely revised my early studies of arithmetic, grammar, &c., before through the recommendation of this gentleman, I was offered the public school in the village for the winter, which I accepted.
As I concluded the only way for me, situated as I was, to get along with my studies would be to teach school and study in my spare hours, and as they did not in that county employ male teachers in the summer months, I determined when my school was out in the spring, to go into the State of New York and obtain a school. I accordingly started early in May, went to Albany, thence westwardly, but soon found I was too late in the season, in starting, that the schools were taken up for the season. I however proceeded onward, until I got about thirty miles west of Utica. There through my inconsiderateness and the rascality of others, I got into a difficulty which was like to involve me in a serious loss, considering my situation.
Being detained for a day or two, and being among strangers, I felt sensibly the need of Divine interposition. In my straits I retired to the woods and implored God's aid, and like other natural persons, I supposed I must promise something in return, I promised that in case He would deliver me, I would never again indulge in profane swearing. I had at one time been much addicted to it, but for two years before, I had in some measure left it off, not on account of its sinfulness, but on account of its being disrespectful in good society. Still when much excited I was liable to give way to it. But now I renounced it as a sinful act. And God to my full belief did interpose. Friends appeared on my behalf, and as warm friends as I could have had, if I could have given the Masonic sign or that of any secret society, and I was delivered. My purse which was getting rather low, being somewhat replenished by the transaction, I turned my course backward to Albany, thence to my native place, and after spending some days there and in other places, I went again into Massachusetts, and engaged in Northampton for a time, at my trade.
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| Alexander Pope (1688-1744) |
From the different effect produced by the two addresses to me, this at Northampton, and that two years before in Providence, both having alike the same appearance of being supernaturally spoken to me, and both so viewed by me at the times, I am constrained to believe that even when God speaks, there will not be heart obedience, unless the heart is first opened to receive the word, and unless regeneration has taken place, and spiritual life is imparted. As this life is love to God, then there will be obedience to His Word and not before.
Hence from the lasting effect produced at that time upon me, leading me immediately to procure a Bible and to commence the study of it, as also to engage in religious exercises, and producing a desire after God which I trust still continues with me, I am led, from that time to date my regeneration (if indeed I am regenerated). As a further confirmation of this, as I was walking the street one evening by myself, a few weeks after, meditating on this subject, and enquiring with some anxiety whether I should be able to hold out in my resolution, this word was applied with force to me, "He which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ." I know not that I had ever read that text, though probably I had in my boyhood, but I received it as the word of God, and was comforted and strengthened by it. And I therefore
concluded that God had then begun a work in me.
No.2
Brother Beebe: - As the close of the first Number, I stated what I consider my first exercise after regeneration. Shortly after that exercise occurred, I went to Wilbraham where I had spent the preceding winter, but had not long been there before by a special providential interposition as I consider it, an application was made to me to go into Otsego Co., New York and take charge of a school, from the fact that a friend rode upwards of forty miles to give me notice of the application, I unhesitatingly went on immediately, and engaged in the school for one quarter. This school being located in a new and rough settlement, I did not like the situation, but whilst there I was informed that Mr. Neal [1778-1860], the Presbyterian minister in Cooperstown in that county, (since known as Dr. Neal of Philadelphia) who had charge of the Academy in that place, wished to employ a teacher in the English department. I called on him, he after examination engaged me to come on when my quarter in the other situation ended, and also engaged to give me instruction in the languages. There was but one circumstance in my experience during that quarter worth relating, and that perhaps, only as showing how I was led on not by man, but by an invisible Teacher, step by step, to renounce my early prejudices concerning religion. I had not as yet seen the error of my early impressions, that dancing was quite consistent with religion, and being one night in a company where dancing was introduced, I without hesitancy engaged in it. But one dance was enough for me. A sense of guilt and condemnation so seized my mind as to stop my sport, and I could not tell why. I then saw no evil in dancing. I soon left the company, but the distress of mind followed me without being able to comprehend why. I awoke the next morning with my mind in the same situation. Before entering my school, I retired to enquire why it was so. My mind was soon opened to see that dancing was inconsistent with my promise to seek my happiness in God, for I was thereby seeking it in worldly amusements, besides the very idea of these amusements was to pass-time lightly away, whereas I was under obligation and engagement, to spend my time to the glory of God. I from that time cheerfully renounced worldly amusement.
From my first religious exercise I thought it important I should, on the first opportunity, join some church, as a part of my religious service to God, and as calculated more to establish me in my resolution to seek God. When I became located in Cooperstown I thought this opportunity was afforded me. There was however one difficulty in the way: the Presbyterians I had understood professed to believe in the doctrine of election, that I could not profess, my heart was bitter against it, so much so that as I was one night in my room reading the 8th and 9th chapter of Romans, I was so incensed against those chapters because of their containing so fully the doctrine of election and predestination, that I actually thought of cutting them out of my Bible and casting them into the fire. Nothing but a sense of its being God's Word prevented me. This difficulty however was soon removed, for shortly after, some persons were received into the church, and I had an opportunity of hearing the church covenant to which they were to assent, read, and found to my joy that election and predestination were not named therein. The next month I applied to the session, and was received into the church.
In the spring a young Presbyterian came to study with Mr, Neal with a view to the ministry, who was better indoctrinated in the Presbyterian faith than I was. As he boarded and roomed with me he soon found out my opposition to election, and set about reforming me from my error. By his reasoning from the Scriptures, and by reading certain writers on the subject to which he referred me, I was convinced that election was a Scriptural doctrine, and became a strenuous advocate for it, that is as held generally by the Presbyterians in connection with general atonement, general offers, invitations &c. Having joined the Presbyterian church in March, I think, 1808, I was strict in observing the Sabbath, as I considered it, in reading a certain portion of Scripture daily, in prayer and in morality, was during that year a pretty strict formalist, and got along comfortably.
Not that I thought I had attained a safe state, this was what I was labouring for, and I hoped that God had begun the work in me, and therefore that I should be able to persevere and attain to a safe state before I died.
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| Philip Doddridge (1707-1751) |
Mr. Neal about the time I joined the church persuaded me that it was my duty to turn my attention to the ministry. Although I had not before thought of that, yet on reflection I assented to it, and ultimately I became so devoted to that idea, that nothing else seemed worth living for. This was frequently brought to the test in 1809 and 10, by the various difficulties which interposed to my obtaining a suitable preparatory education. Amid these difficulties I could not think of turning my attention to anything else; and I really felt that life was of no value to me if I could not spend it in the ministry. I mention not this as an evidence of my call to the ministry, for whatever purpose God may have had in it, in reference to my after being called to the ministry. I consider it not in that light, but as showing the great zeal the natural mind may be wrought up to in religion, and in reference to the ministry.
Mr. Neal, in view of the difficulties in the way of my obtaining a collegiate education, advised me not to aim at it, as the Western Presbytery of New York, at that time, would admit persons into the ministry without their having graduated. Following his advice, I soon turned from the Latin to the study of the Greek and other studies which he thought more useful. Though I thus conformed to Mr. Neal's direction, and notwithstanding my zeal for the ministry, I had no notion of entering it without such qualifications as would give me a pretty fair standing in it.
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| Andover Theological Seminary |
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| 1st Baptist Newton Mass today |
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| Edward Dorr Griffin (1770-1837) |
l will here relate a rather singular exercise I had a little before this. It was Sunday, March 11th, I had attended meeting at Newton, but had felt very cold and dull, on returning to my boarding house, I concluded to retire to my room and spend a season in prayer. I had not been long thus engaged, before there appeared before me two lights, and the suggestion was made to my mind, that these were the Father and Son, and that they had manifested themselves thus to me, as a token of God's love to me, and that He was going to make me happy.
Immediately my passions were raised to an ecstasy of joy and love to God indescribable, I even imagined that my soul was leaving the body and was going to heaven. I thought I felt lt rising up in me, and as being just ready to depart, and the delight I felt at the idea, and the praises I poured forth on account of it I cannot describe. After awhile, I thought I felt my soul sinking down into my body, but I would have given the world for it not to return back and having to go again into the world. From this the ecstasy subsided, and when I attempted to rise off my knees, I found myself so exhausted by the excitement that I could not do it, I had just to prostrate myself on the floor and lie for some time before I recovered strength to get up. On reflecting on this, the idea arose that it might have been a delusion of Satan, immediately the suggestion was made "Satan cannot love," and that as I felt such love to God, it must have been from God. It was thus kindly overruled to be quite a support to me under the disappointments I shortly after had to meet. But I have long since known it to have been a delusion of Satan practiced upon me, for there was in it no view of the mediation and atonement of Christ, the only medium of a sinner's acceptance with God. Of this I was at that time ignorant. The love was nothing but a natural love arising from the imagination that God was going to make me happy. The lights arose from some natural cause, I have frequently seen them since, probably in consequence of the position my eyes were in toward the window. From having experienced this exercise and known its delusion, I have no confidence in those relations we frequently hear of great lights, and great excitements of love to God where there is no view of Christ as the medium of acceptance.
After closing my engagements at Watertown, I went to Newport, R.I., thence by water to New York, and from thence into New Jersey. At Morristown I engaged for a few weeks as an assistant in one of the academies there, when I obtained a school in Hanover, and had the opportunity of boarding with the Presbyterian minister of the place and of receiving some instruction from him in my studies.
On my way to Morristown I called upon the Presbyterian minister in Newark, New Jersey, to make some enquiries about schools. Whilst there two or three other ministers called, and mention was made of a new work on infant baptism by Dr. Porter. All united in speaking of it as a masterpiece on the subject. Immediately the idea suggested itself to me that I would purchase one and send on to my Baptist friend in Boston, hoping it might convince her of her error on that subject. Not in reference to the mode of baptism, for I had been convinced from my study of Greek, and of Ecclesiastical History, that immersion was the original and proper mode, and had felt sorry that it had been changed. But in reference to the subjects, for I was a strenuous advocate for the seal of the covenant, as baptism was considered, being put on infants. Whilst at Morristown, I procured one of those books, but concluded before sending it on, I would read it myself. I did so. I found Dr. Porter's position to be that the Abrahamic covenant was still in force under the gospel, that the children of believers under it now stood in the same relation to their parents as formerly the Israelitish children did to their parents, that only the seals of the covenant were changed, that baptism had been substituted in the place of circumcision, and the Lord's Supper in the place of the Passover.
On reading this, the idea struck me, that if this position was correct, that, as formerly every circumcised child had a right to eat of the Passover, so now every baptized child must have a right to eat of the Lord's Supper. I could see no consistent way to avoid this conclusion. But the conclusion I was not willing to admit, for I believed there was an experimental change necessary to a person's being a proper subject for partaking of the Lord's Supper. I thought rather than submit to such an inconsistency, I would examine the Baptist ground. But again it occurred to me that if I should become a Baptist, all my hopes of obtaining assistance to prosecute my studies would be frustrated. In this dilemma, I soothed my conscience by solemnly promising the Lord, that if my hopes of obtaining assistance to pursue my studies were cut off I would then examine the ground for believer's baptism. The book I laid aside, without sending it as before designed.
In Hanover, I found myself in the enjoyment of what I esteemed religious privileges, such as I had not before enjoyed. There had been a revival fever a year or two before, and a number of young persons had joined the church. Their zeal had not yet died away, so that they kept up frequent prayer meetings. I was soon introduced among them, and put forward to take a leading part in these meetings. But whilst this was the case on the one hand, I on the other was made to feel the corruptions of my nature, far I more than I ever had before, causing me much to doubt whether there was any reality in my religion. In looking at some of the entries in my diary during this Summer, I should think that they had been penned by a tempted, doubting believer, were it not for the legality so apparent in them. I speak in them about my inability to do anything, that God must do all for me by His grace, and of my entire dependence on Christ for acceptance, &c., I and yet there is a rotten, legal, self-doing spirit running through the whole.
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| John Newton (1725-1807) |
In reference to my corruptions, in order to get relief, I occasionally, on Saturdays when I had no school, retired to the woods and spent the day in fasting and prayer that God would relieve me from them. I would write solemn covenants that I would not indulge in any evil thought or propensity, nor indulge in any trifling conversation, &c., and sign my name to them. I find two or three such in my diary. I think I once or twice, in order to make it more solemn, drew blood from my finger and wrote on loose paper covenants of this kind. But all would not do, my corruptions still appeared to triumph. One night returning from my school, borne down with a sense of my corruptions, I went into my room I and threw myself upon my bed, and whilst there, drew the conclusion that that all I had experienced was from Satan, that he had been working upon me to make a polished hypocrite of me.
Immediately therefore the charge was made against me: Now you have committed the sin against the Holy Ghost, for the Spirit of God has been at work with you, and you have now ascribed His work to Satan. I immediately sprang upon my feet and walked my room for some time, in as complete despair as I believe a living man is capable of. At length I was relieved by the thought that if the work was Satan's, I had committed no sin in charging it to him, if it was the work of the Holy Ghost, I could not commit the unpardonable sin, for He would carry it on until the day of Jesus Christ. I went on in this way attending zealously to the forms of religion both public and private, but thus harassed with corruptions, temptations of various kinds, and doubts, until in September I got hold of a work of Dr. Bellamy's entitled, "True Religion Delineated." I determined at once to read it, and test myself carefully by it.
No.3
Brother Beebe: - I closed my last No. with an account of the blasting of all my former hopes, by a discovery of the awful enmity of my heart to God. But distressed as I was, I did not at that time sink into despair. A glimmering hope arose in my mind, that as the Lord had been pleased to show me my true situation, He perhaps intended to appear for my deliverance. I felt to praise Him that He had not suffered me to continue longer in my ignorance, and that He had suffered me still to have a being on the earth. He left me to go on bowed down as a very wretch upon earth, for upwards of two weeks, when on Saturday night, Oct.l3th, 1810, I concluded I would once more retire to my room, and examine myself to see if there was any evidence of God's having begun a good work in me, any evidence of my having any love to God.
As I entered my room, I knelt down and tried to pray, I could not, my mind seemed entirely shut up. I arose, took my Bible and turned to certain passages and tried to read and reflect on them. I could not, I was unable to trace any reflection, to connect two ideas, my mind seemed a perfect blank. I again kneeled down and tried to pray with no better success, again arose and opened my Bible, it was the same, almost frantic with distress, I again kneeled, and finding myself no more able to pray than before, the suggestion was made to me, "You now see that there is no hope for you, God has evidently given you up to hardness of heart, and blindness of mind," I felt it was true, all hope vanished, I sprang to my feet and walked the room. I judged for fifteen or twenty minutes in absolute despair, when at length without thinking what I was doing, I turned to the table, took up my Bible, and as I took it up, it opened in my hands to the 99th Psalm and the 5th verse met my eyes, "exalt ye the Lord our God, and worship at His footstool, for He is holy." I With this a sense of the sovereign majesty and holiness of God filled my mind, I felt to praise and exalt Him, felt a deep reverence for His majesty and greatness, felt the witness that myself and all creatures should be at His disposal, that we were as nothing before Him, that it was His sovereign right to save whom He pleased, and leave to perish whom He pleased. There was no excitement of feelings, no thoughts about my individual salvation, but there was a sense of my nothingness before Him, and a submitting of myself into His hands to do with me as He pleased. My mind was principally occupied with a view of the exalted character, and of the universal and rightful sovereignty of God over all things.
I slept but little that night, it was the happiest night I ever have experienced, and probably the happiest season I shall experience in time. Hence I have sometimes taken occasion to say that the happiest moments of a Christian's life are those in which God is the most exalted in his view, and he most humbled in the dust before Him.
The next morning I concluded that the experience of the past night was an evidence of God's love to me, and that He would save me, I was therefore quite comfortable in mind, and remained so until the Wednesday following. I concluded in the evening after school to go to Morristown. I had before, through a friend, applied to the Presbyterian minister of Morristown to lay my case before the Presbytery then about to set, and to see what encouragement they could give me of assistance in prosecuting my studies, and expected, by going that evening, to receive an answer. On arriving at my friend's, I learned that there was no encouragement for me, that the Presbytery had then under their charge more young men than they had funds to support, and that there were other applications before mine. Although this was a death blow to my hopes in reference to the ministry, yet being in company with Presbyterian friends with whom I had formed an intimacy, the evening passed pleasantly off, until retiring to bed, when I got into my room, my disappointment rushed upon my mind with such force, that the heavens over my head appeared as brass, and the earth under my feet as iron. I said to myself - I can see nothing to hope for either in heaven, or on earth. I stood in this forlorn state of mind but a minute or two, when these feelings subsided, I went to bed, and slept.
The next morning I arose and started early, in order to get back to my school in season. On my way back, I got to reflecting on my sad disappointment, when this question was pressed upon my mind: What will you do now with the promise you made the Lord last Spring to examine the Baptist ground in case certain circumstances occurred? I immediately saw that the very circumstances on which I had predicated my promise, had now occurred, that all hopes were now gone of obtaining an education for the ministry, I concluded at once to fulfill my promise. I went on to my school, and in the short recess for play in the forenoon, the examination I was about to undertake being on my mind, I concluded I would muster up my principal arguments for infant baptism, preparatory to the examination so that if I was convinced against infant baptism, it should be fairly done. I thought over one which had been a favorite argument with me: namely, that the Jews as a people were remarkably tenacious of the religious privileges they enjoyed under the provisions of the Abrahamic Covenant, that among these privileges was that of bringing their children under the blessings of that covenant by circumcision. Hence that if this privilege had been abrogated under the gospel, we should have heard of their finding fault therewith.
My thoughts had no sooner passed over this argument, that the troubles which had been occasioned in the churches of Galatia by Judaizing teachers relative to circumcision, and Paul's argument on that subject, as also what had occurred in the church at Antioch, and the decision of the Apostles and elders at Jerusalem on the same subject, all rushed at once upon my mind. And I saw that all this arose from Jews provisions to the provisions of the Abrahamic covenant, and hence their contending for circumcision, and also that if baptism had come in the room of circumcision, as a seal of that covenant, how easy it would have been for the apostle to have satisfied the minds of the Jews by stating that fact, thus showing that the baptized Gentile stood exactly on the same ground as though he had been circumcised, the form of the seal only having been changed from circumcision to baptism, a milder form, but of the same effect. But neither Paul nor the Apostles at Jerusalem, I saw, had hinted at any such idea. Indeed upon the ground of baptism having come in the room of circumcision, there could have been no possible excuse for the Jewish disciples still to contend for circumcision, seeing He whom they received as the Messiah had instituted the change. Of course, not only was my argument prostrated, but the whole foundation on which infant baptism in my estimation stood, and on which it alone can be made to stand, was demolished at once, and my mind was prepared to go and receive what the New Testament said on the subject of baptism as a gospel institution, disentangled from the Abrahamic covenant.
I accordingly as soon as I was out of school commenced in good earnest reading the various passages in the New Testament in which reference was made to baptism, they were all new to me. Texts which I had formerly thought favored infant baptism, now appeared decidedly against it. Many texts now appeared so clearly to point out believers as the only proper subjects of baptism that I wondered whether the Baptists had ever seen those texts as I then viewed them, for I thought if they had, they would have been able to have convinced the whole world on that subject. For the sake of satisfying my curiosity, I went into New York and procured a work on baptism, but found the Baptists had the same views of those texts I then had, and had contended for those views. Not only this, but I wrote off my views and exercises on this subject, and showed them to some of my Presbyterian friends, but instead of convincing them on the subject, I found it was casting pearls before swine, they had no heart to receive those views, but turned to rend me by representing that I was turning Baptist in order the more easily to get into the ministry, whereas my anxiety to get into the ministry was what had kept me for the last five months from examining this subject.
I here learned an important lesson, that the prejudices of education may so blind our minds against the light even on so plain an external ordinance as is baptism that we cannot see the truth, only as the Lord is pleased to open our eyes to see. Having my mind somewhat exercised with the subject of baptism, I went on tolerably comfortable in mind until near the last of the month, when one night being in company with several Presbyterian friends, the subject of Christian experience was introduced, and one gentleman took occasion to remark, that true Christian experience must embrace in it faith in Christ, and therefore a revelation of Christ crucified as the way of acceptance with God. I at once fully consented to the truth of this remark, but I was as fully satisfied that it was something I had never experienced, hence all my hope of being a Christian was again taken from me. For two days I stood in my own view as a condemned and hopeless wretch. On the 31st of Oct., at night I concluded that I would go up into my room and once more try to pray. As I was going up the stairs, this question arose in my mind, what are you going to pray for, there is no possible hope of your ever being saved? I stopped for a moment, or two, when this thought arose in my mind, I can pray that, if God is pleased to send me to hell, instead of blaspheming His name, I may be permitted to praise His justice in sending me there. I then went on with the intention of putting up this petition.
As I went into my room and knelt down, at first there came over me a drawing back of feeling, a want of an entire cordial acknowledgment of the justice of God in sending me to hell, but this soon gave way and I felt cordially to acknowledge His justice in my final condemnation, and to put up the petition that I might through eternity praise His justice in sending me to hell. Immediately upon this, as I was there on my knees, the account of Abraham's offering his son Isaac as in Gen.22 was brought to my view. Isaac as bound and laid upon the altar, appeared as representing the case of the heirs of promise, and as fully representing my then case, as bound by the law and doomed by its condemnatory sentence to death, as Abraham knew nothing but to inflict the death blow, so the law knew nothing but to inflict the curse upon the sinner.
My attention was then turned to Abraham's arm, being arrested by the angel's call to him, and the ram caught in the thicket by his horns being taken by him and sacrificed in the place of Isaac. This ram appeared to represent Christ as involved in the demands of the law, in the power of His Godhead, by virtue of His headship and union with His people, and therefore as made to suffer the penalty of the law in their stead. My views were not as distinct on all these points as I have here (in The Signs) given them, but the substitution of Christ in the place of the condemned sinner was fully presented to view. And the atonement of Christ appeared so full and so exactly adapted to my helpless, guilty and condemned case, that surely, I said to myself, as I viewed it, God must have had me in view when He made this rich provision in His Son. I was therefore enabled confidently to rely on His atonement for pardon, and to plead it for my acceptance with God, and the sense of condemnation was gone. I was, of course, filled with gratitude and praise for this wonderful display of God's love and grace to a wretch like me, but still the happiness was not like that I experienced on the night of the 13th, that was something peculiar, self was in a great measure lost sight of, and God in His glorious character and sovereignty occupied my view.
Now I felt a deep sense of my own vileness. I do not know whether it is common or not, few at any rate speak of this exercise relating their deliverance, but for myself, I had never before felt such meltings of heart on account of sin, nor saw sin to be so vile as now, - not as contrasted with the demands of the law, but as contrasted with the goodness and mercy of God. I pled that the Lord would henceforth rule over me and in me, and that He would take me out of the world, rather than leave me ever again to sin against such goodness. It is true I had been accustomed from all I had read and also heard to consider Isaac as a type of Christ, but the view given at this time was so clear, and came with such power that I unhesitatingly received it as the truth of God. And I afterwards found that the Scriptures represent Isaac as the figure of those born after the Spirit, and of the children of promise. Gal.4:28 & 29.
Strange as it may appear, I did not once think of this being the new birth, or a being born into gospel liberty through faith now given me in Christ. I had no idea of what Christian experience, or the new birth, was, other than that God must implant His love in the heart, and that be carried out in our experience and obedience. I had never heard experience preached. I had read of some persons having extraordinary exercises, but I had been led, particularly by the ministry, to think that if any had these exercises, it was not prudent to speak of them, as it would tend to discourage others who had not had such exercises. I viewed each of the exercises above related, as they severally occurred, as manifestations of God's special favor to me, but I did not feel free to speak of them, not only on account of its being as above remarked, not prudent, but I also felt it would be presuming in me to tell of having such exercises. Yet from the facts that from the time I had the discovery of the enmity of my heart on, I had felt myself helpless and laying at the mercy of God, and that but two days before this last exercise, I had been led to consider a revelation of Christ and faith in His atonement an essential part of Christian experience, and further that from this time I could never bring back that legal bondage and those terrors I had felt before, though I often tried hard for it. I cannot satisfactorily account for my great stupidity in having no adequate idea of the import and place of these exercises in Christian experience, only that my eyes were holden, as were the eyes of the two disciples who journeyed
to Emmaus.
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| Baptist Meeting House Morristown (today) |
Having a comfortable hope now of acceptance with God, I felt desirous of being baptized. I knew there was an old Baptist meeting house in Morristown, and had been told there were a people who occasionally met there for worship. After some enquiry I found where two of the members lived, a man and his wife, I went one evening to see them, and informed them of my situation and wish to be baptized. They informed me that they had no preacher at that time, but that Elder Parkinson of New York had promised to visit them, and that if word could be got to him, he no doubt would come out and baptize me. I offered with their approbation to go and invite him out. Knowing that my Boston friend was at that time in New York on a visit, I in a few days after, went and through her got an introduction to Elder Parkinson, who after questioning me somewhat on my exercises, gave me an appointment for Morristown. On my return I gave those members information of the appointment, a church meeting was called for that time, I went before the church and was examined, for I did not relate any of the particular points of my experience excepting that on baptism, so ignorant was I of their special importance to evidence my being born of God, but still after Elder Parkinson had questioned me pretty closely as to my reliance on Christ &c. I was received and baptized at Morristown, the same day, Saturday December 22nd, 1810. But instead of going on my way rejoicing, while at the water a heavy dark cloud came over my mind, which with the exception of occasionally some little break and manifestation of Divine favor, lasted me about fourteen months.
No.4
Brother Beebe: - It is not that I take any pleasure in aggravating the feelings of those brethren, who are so tired of seeing my name in the Signs, and of my long pieces as they call them, that I thus protract this relation of my experience, but it is, that I think the relation would be deficient without extending it to my deliverance from under that cloud I spoke of in my last. Perhaps, however, some may think I am under it yet.
I will go back and relate one exercise which I passed over previous to my being baptized. After the arrangement had been made for a church meeting and for my coming before the church, as I was sitting in my room one night reflecting on the subject, all at once the view rushed upon my mind of the host of learned and, I thought, pious men, and of Doctors of Divinity which was on the side of the Paedo Baptists, together with the Reformers, and the thought that I, an ignorant youth, should turn from them, and in effect pronounce them all in error, was overwhelming, and I was nearly ready to form the conclusion to draw back from what I had undertaken, when this expression of Paul's came with power to my relief, "immediately I conferred not with flesh and blood," Gal.l:l6. My mind was again calmed. Paul, when God was pleased to reveal His Son in him and to call him to preach Him, had to leave all whom he had esteemed as the learned Doctors of the law and the most religious of the Jews, immediately he conferred not with flesh and blood, but alone obeyed God, so I felt in this case, it was my duty to do. I learned a lesson then which I have not yet forgotten, namely: that whenever the Scriptures have been opened up to my view, so that my mind has been convinced of the truth of any subject as taught in the Scriptures, I have felt constrained to advance and advocate it, without conferring with flesh and blood, whoever might oppose. In no instance have I, in reference to the great leading points I have discussed through the Signs, been led to bring forward a sentiment that is a newer thing than was believers baptism to me, and in no instance have I in advocating any of those sentiments, had to depart from a greater host of esteemed standard writers than in leaving the ranks of infant baptism. I might go further on this point in reference to Scriptural authority, but I will forbear.
To pursue my experience, under that dark cloud, it was soon accompanied with an awful war of the elements within me. I recollect having said in writing to a friend shortly after my baptism that I had thought the summer before I had a full view of my corruptions, but that I then only saw the surface of them, but now, like the billows of the ocean, they came foaming up from an unfathomable depth. Soon therefore did I most seriously regret that I had ever been baptized, for I was most sure that my corruptions would overcome me, and I should bring reproach upon the Baptist church and cause, which I now believed was the cause of Christ.
My first plan to avoid this insufferable evil was to put an end to my existence. But I reflected that if it should be discovered that I had killed myself, the reproach would be equally as bad upon the cause, as in the other case. I therefore set my mind to work to devise a plan how I could do it, and not have it discovered. When, however, I had the plan arranged so that I thought it would answer, I was suddenly reminded of the rightful sovereignty of God over His creatures, as I had seen it in October before, and felt that if it was His pleasure to make use of me as a rod to chastise and humble His people, by leaving me to fall under my corruptions, I ought to submit to His sovereignty in this, as well as in other things. This drove the thoughts of suicide from my mind for a time. Still my corruptions raged and the thoughts of falling and bringing reproach upon the cause I dreaded .
My next resort to save the cause was to have my name crossed off from the church book. Accordingly one night after school, though there was a deep snow on the ground, I walked eight miles to the brother's on whom I had first called, to get them to have my name taken off the book. In the course of' the evening after I got there, having occasion to turn to a Concordance, I opened it, and this part of the text, I Kings 8:38 met my eye, "Which shall know every man the plague of his own heart." Surely thought I, this Is my case, for I do know the plague of my own heart. And if such characters, I thought, were included in Solomon's prayer at the dedication of the Temple, then they must be included in Christ's intercession. I was relieved for the time, and went back to my school the next morning, concluding to let my name remain on the church book.
As the Presbyterians had charged me with joining the Baptists in order more easily to get into the ministry, I had concluded that I would not think of engaging in the ministry, for a year or two at least. But it was now suggested to me that it was wrong to take that resolution from fear of the reproaches of the Presbyterians, and that God was leaving me to suffer these trials in consequence of it. I now concluded that I would go to the church and mention the case to them, and if they saw fit to give me an I opportunity to exercise my gift, I would do it. They very readily consented, having indeed anticipated it, a special meeting of the church was appointed to give me a hearing. No sooner was this done than it was worse with me than before. It was bad enough I thought to impose myself upon the church as a member and I was going to impose myself upon them with all my corruptions, as a preacher. I went back again in a few days to see some of the members, and get the appointment recalled, but was persuaded out of it.
On March 17, 1811, I went before the church and tried to speak from a text; was almost entirely shut up, said but very little, and when I retired for the brethren to consult, I concluded the matter was now decided, that they would not encourage me any further, but they otherwise decided, and made another appointment for me, and I consented to it. I was again distressed because I had done so, but having more liberty the next time, I consented to another appointment, I thus went on having appointments made for me, in the meantime harassed so with my corruptions and doubts whether it was possible I could be a subject of grace, and repeatedly concluding when the pending appointment was filled I would consent to no more, until June 17th the church licensed me as a preacher.
Why the church was satisfied to license me, I can account for only on the ground of their being so accustomed to hearing Presbyterian preaching, for mine was of that same formal kind. My being licensed made my case no better, it was no relief from the strong workings of my corruptions, and therefore not from my darkness, nor from my doubts, both as to the propriety of my attempting to preach, and of my being a child of God. It is true I had a hope which I could not renounce, that I was a subject of grace, but instead of being unwilling to part with it for the world; as many say, I often felt that if it was anything tangible, I would tear it from my breast, and cast it from me with a determination no more to indulge in it, until l experienced a new work. I, however, went on trying to preach from time to time, could not muster resolution to give it up, though often determined to do it.
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| First Baptist Church on Broome Street NYC |
In the fall some of the brethren made arrangements with Elder Parkinson [1774-1848] for me to go and spend three or four months with him, that I might have access to his library. And in view of his instructing me in Hebrew, of which I wished to obtain a knowledge, I consented to the arrangement. But again this was a fresh source of distress to me, so much so, that I one day retired to the woods, to spend the day in seeking direction of God, both as to the ministry, and as to going into New York. Whilst thus waiting upon God I had a text given me which gave me considerable encouragement in reference to the ministry, and in reference to going to Elder Parkinson's this text was given me and applied with some power, "Arise and go into the city, and it shall be told thee what thou must do." Acts 9:6. I accordingly went, but I carried the cloud and my depravity with me. I had not been there long before, if I had had the means at command, I would have taken the stage and gone where I would not be known or heard of by any who had known me as a professor of religion, and where I could therefore pass as a non-professor. But adequate means were wanting, and I had to remain. I thought at times it was impossible such a wretch as I could be a subject of grace, and concluded the longer I lived I was but aggravating my final condemnation the more by my pretensions to preaching and to religion, and repeatedly prayed God to cut me off at once, let what would be my final portion, rather than leave me longer to deceive His people, and expose His cause to reproach, by that probability of my being overcome by my corruptions.
Elder Parkinson occasionally required me to preach for him on Sunday mornings, as I was also frequently called on to go to other places and preach. But being under the cloud as well as far from being satisfied that I was called to preach, my preaching was of course dull and formal. I thought that my preaching in Elder Parkinson's church was not very acceptable, as taking his place. I inferred from it that the brethren did not think me called to preach. His custom was when he wished me to preach on Sundays, to give me notice on Saturday morning that I might study a discourse. Such was his practice, and I had borrowed the same from him. This practice I continued to some extent for several years after, that is when I had opportunity, and could find texts beforehand. l finally was led to drop the practice for these reasons.
1st: I frequently could not obtain a text from which to preach in time for study, often not till I got to the place of preaching.
2nd: I found by experience that the Lord could give me at the time as clear views of a text as He could beforehand. And thirdly: I found that when it was His pleasure to give at the time clear views of the subject, I enjoyed the preaching more myself, and therefore felt more animation in speaking than when I had studied the subject beforehand.
l once at the commencement of my speaking in public, tried carrying notes with me into the pulpit, but I found myself so embarrassed with them that I never tried it afterwards. In consequence of the opinion I had formed as above mentioned of the reception of my preaching, I began to desire that Elder Parkinson would not ask me any more to preach for him. On Saturday morning, my mind being much oppressed with doubts, I hesitated somewhat about going into the study, lest he should tell me I must preach the next morning, and when I went in, I thought I earnestly desired he would not. On going in, he related to me that as he had been absent considerably of late (which had been the case) he would preach all day on the morrow, to prevent the complaints of brethren. Although this was just what I had wished, the moment he said it, the suggestion arose in my mind: Now Elder Parkinson as well as the brethren, believes I am not called to preach and that I am a base hypocrite. This created a storm in my breast indescribable, I could hardly contain myself.
But I sat down to my table I find tried to compose my mind to study, it was of no use! I shoved my books from me, and at once concluded I would go over onto Long Island, where I knew there then were retired places, within convenient distance, and spend the day in supplicating God in mercy to direct me to what was my duty. As I took my hat to go, I had the precaution to take my knife out of my pocket, and leave it on the table, lest if I did not obtain relief, if I might be tempted to commit suicide. As I went out of the study door, the thought occurred to me that I would go into my lodging room, and pray to the Lord to go with me and direct me. Whilst there thus engaged, my mind became somewhat composed, and the idea was suggested to me that I had better go back into the study, and read a certain pamphlet which had been laid on Elder Parkinson's table a few days before. I went back and took up the book which was the experience of a person in England written by himself in a letter to William Huntington, and was by him thus published.
As I read it, I saw the path in which the Lord had led me delineated step by step. Like myself this man had been a professor for some years previous to his being brought into gospel liberty, had been a zealous legalist, had had his foundation suddenly all knocked from under him, as mine was, and afterwards, Christ had been revealed to him as the substitute of the sinner, and the end of the law for righteousness. As he described these exercises as a being killed by the law, and a being born again, born into gospel liberty, I was led to understand such to have been the nature of the exercises I passed through during the months of Sept. & Oct. 1810, as before described, that then it was, I was slain by the law, and then that I became a believer in Christ, and was born of God. The cloud that I had been so long under now in some measure broke, and I enjoyed a comfortable hope of being a new creature. From this I was led on to see what a galling yoke of bondage the law and legal religion was; and how lovely and glorious was gospel liberty and gospel grace as contrasted with legal service. Still the cloud was not altogether dissipated, the doubts as to my call to the ministry were as great as ever.
At length in hopes that the Lord would decide the point for me, I plead with Him, that if He had not designed me for the ministry, I might not be called on to preach for four weeks, and I solemnly promised that if this should be the case, I would not again attempt it. I passed over that week, the next Sunday and most of the week after, without being called on to preach, excepting at one night meeting where the preacher expected, disappointed, and that I set down for nothing. I began therefore to conclude that the Lord was about now to decide the case for me, I felt somewhat composed waiting the result, and satisfied to abide by whatever the Lord should decide in the case, whether to preach, or to give it up. On the Friday night of this second week, at the hour of retiring, Elder Parkinson started to go to bed, and I immediately followed. I had to pass his room door in going to my room. He opened his door and went partly into his room, and as I was passing his door, he turned back, and said to me in a very decided tone: "Brother Trott, you must preach on Sunday morning, and you may prepare yourself for it as soon as you please." I have never been able to devise any reason he could have had for giving me that early notice, and for speaking in that abrupt manner. But if a clap of thunder had burst over my head, it would not have astonished me more.
As soon as I could think, I turned to beg of him to recall it, and let me pass without preaching, and lo, he had retired into his room, and shut his door upon me. I then immediately went into my room and threw myself upon my knees or perhaps prostrate on the floor, to entreat of the Lord to interpose and decide the case for me. Whilst there, my mind received the impression that it was my duty to go forward and preach, a text was impressed on my mind from which to preach on Sunday morning, and so clearly opened up to my view, that there was no need of further study to prepare me for preaching from it. This was on the 8th of Feb. 1812.
No. 5
Brother Beebe: - Here I come with another yarn, though I think I will wind up with this. On Sunday morning I preached from the text given me mentioned at the conclusion of my last. My preaching to me was entirely different from any of my former preaching. Before, my preaching was a formal thing, now I preached in faith, felt that I spake that I did know. and testified that I had seen. From that period, (if sent at all) I date my being sent of God to preach. Whatever purpose God may have had in my former exercises on the subject relative to my being sent into the ministry, all my former preaching I consider as a running before I was sent. The cloud seemed now to depart, and thus I conceive was fulfilled the declaration made to me the fall before, "Go into the city and it shall be told thee what thou must do." But it was not long before I was as much troubled with the calm as I had been before with the tempest.
I do not wish to be understood by what I have said above about preaching in faith, that I am always enabled to preach in faith, any more than I can always pray in faith. But I wish to say that with the gospel preacher, as with the gospel hearer, there is a preaching in faith, as there is a hearing in faith; and there is by the same preacher, a preaching at times, when only the powers of his own mind, enlightened to be sure as they have been in the knowledge of spiritual things, are engaged in bearing testimony to the truth, as there are times in which the believer only hears with his natural understanding, in this case he judges of the truth, but he does not feel it or feed on it. If the experience of others agree with me on this point, they must also agree that faith is distinct from the exercises of any of the faculties of the human soul, that it is a fruit of the Spirit.
Further in reference to my preaching, there have been times when I felt comfortable on going into the pulpit, and all at once a dark cloud has come over my mind, or the subject, which seemed to cast a mist all around me, so as to effect my powers of vision in looking at the congregation. Again, there have been seasons, when for months, I have enjoyed none of the comforts of religion, only when I was preaching, and then I was almost uniformly enabled to preach in faith, point out the experience and trials peculiar to the Christian, and in faith hold forth the fullness of Christ, and the consolations suiting the case of such, and when I have closed, and thought of what I had been preaching, I could no more apply it to myself than I could clear away the clouds from the natural sky. At times I have viewed this as according to Scripture, that the witnesses instead of retaining the golden oil, were to empty it out of themselves through the golden pipes of ministerial gifts. See Zech.4 and Rev. 11:4. The business of a servant also corresponds with the above, though he may at times eat of what is left. But it is good for him at times to be taught his business, namely, to set forth the provisions to the family and guests instead of eating them himself. At other times this experience in reference to preaching has been a source of much doubting and distress.
Soon after, my mind received satisfaction in reference to the ministry. I returned to the vicinity of Morristown with the expectation of preaching for that church. But I went not with my mind impressed with a desire to convert souls. I went deeply impressed with the evil of that legal bondage which I knew by past experience was so prevalent in that region among the Presbyterians and others. I went therefore with the design of bearing my testimony against it, and to hold forth salvation as being of rich, free and sovereign grace reigning through the righteousness of Christ. I soon by that kind of preaching aroused a pretty severe opposition against me, both in and out of the church, I was charged freely with being an Antinomian, with bringing forward new things, and with creating divisions, &c. This drove me to search the Scriptures and to enquire more earnestly at the mouth of the Lord, and resulted in my becoming stronger in my views and in the defense of them.
From that day to this, the most aid I have received from man in forming my religious views has been through their opposition; thereby driving me from men to look to God and the Scriptures for my guidance. I have learned in my early experience many ideas from men. but have had again in many instances to unlearn them. I know that it has been my desire to learn of God and not of man, and He I think taught me that desire, in my early experience. Whether I have learned of Him, or deceived myself with my own fancies, it is not necessary for me to say. I am in God's hands, He knows me, and knows what to do with me. And brethren will, as is their right, judge for themselves whether to fellowship what I have related as my experience, as the teachings of God, or to reject it as a delusion. I will add that these charges which commenced at Morristown have been continued unto this day.
They were made against me in Kentucky, and when I came into Virginia, I found Luther Rice had brought from Kentucky and other places, and circulated here the charge of my being a pestilent fellow and a mover of divisions in churches. Hence those of the Old School who are keeping up the cry against me of bringing in new things and causing divisions, may see that they are but walking, in this thing, in the steps of the missionists. Whether this is evidence against me of being a disciple of Christ, I will not say. I know that neither Christ, nor His apostles in their day had the reputation of being very subservient or accommodating to the opinions and dogmas of the great and learned Doctors of Divinity, or of the law, of that and the preceding ages.
l have had an impression on my mind, since 1816 that I should live to see this land plucked up, that is to see our liberties overturned, and the church brought into captivity or under oppression. As it is somewhat connected with my experience, in reference to what I have above been noticing, I will state the ground of it.
Where I lived at that time in the State of Ohio, bordering on Indiana, the country I considered considerably destitute of preaching, and being confined to a school for support, I of course could not travel and preach as I wished. As I had not then seen the inconsistency of the mission plan of sending out preachers, with the New Testament order, I was thinking of writing on to New York to obtain an appointment to travel and preach in that region as a missionary, when this text was so applied as to make an impression on my mind. "The Lord saith thus, Behold that which I have built will I break down, and that which I have planted will I pluck up, even this whole land. And seekest thou great things for thyself, seek them not, for behold I will bring evil upon all flesh, saith the Lord, but thy life will I give thee for a prey in all places whither thou goest." Jer.45:4-5. I have, it is true, never felt very confident of living to see this government broken down, and our liberties plucked up. But so far as to seeking great things for myself it has been prophetically true.
In reference to engaging in business for the purpose of acquiring property, I have been invariably held back from it. And I have never been able to engage in those measures or advocate any system that was popular with the multitude but has been constrained by a regard to what I believed to be truth, in my preaching and in my intercourse with brethren, to advocate that doctrine and cause which has left me in the background among the few. I have been glad to retire to the cave Adullam, with that distressed, indebted, and discontented little company. I Sam.22:1-2. It was so when we were altogether as Baptists, and it seems it must be so among the Old School Baptists. My life also so far has been given me for a prey, both temporally and in reference to enjoying the fellowship of those whom I have esteemed as knowing the truth. I feel confident that our government will be broken down, and the church in her present privileges will be plucked up whether I live to see it or not. Though if brother Calvert is correct, and the church has passed her last fiery ordeal, and got into the Philadelphian state, the state of brotherly love, as Philadelphia signifies, and has an open door which no man can shut, Rev.3:7- 8, then it will not be so.
In reference to seeking to be distinguished as the leader of a party, I confidently say I never have had any ambition for it. Never have taken any steps calculated to accomplish it. Whenever the Lord has been pleased to give me to see the error of any views, which I in common with others have held, and also to understand the Scriptures as clearly revealing other views of the subject, instead of seeking to form a party by trying to disciple the members of churches to which I preached to my new views, I have in the first instance thrown them out broadcast, in preaching at associations, or published them through the Signs, where they were sure to be canvassed before they were received. Or if in any instance I have first spoken of them in private, it has been in a company of ministers. I make this statement, believing that some who have made the above charge against me, ought to know from circumstances, that the statement cannot be contradicted. I now make it, not so much to vindicate myself from the charge, for it cannot be long that the reproach will affect me, as to guard the minds of brethren from the prejudice attempted to be raised against the views I have advanced, by representing me as influenced by such motives in advancing them, views which I have thus advanced because I believed them, and still believe them, to be according to God's revealed Word.
Notwithstanding the opposition raised against my preaching at Morristown, the church in the course of the summer called me to ordination. And I was ordained August 30, 1812, not as the pastor of that church, for that I declined, finding no Scriptural authority for it, but to the gospel ministry.
I wish to offer one remark before closing. I think it will be admitted by many, that some of the exercises which I have related have been deep, and strongly marked. I call attention to this, because so many brethren and sisters complain that theirs were not so and think that if their exercises had been thus strongly marked, they should not doubt so much. Yet there are perhaps more of those who have been more severely handled with doubts than l have, thus showing that it is not any past testimony we have received of acceptance that can produce present faith, or relieve from present doubts, unless the Lord is pleased to give us a fresh realizing of those doubts.
Whenever the Lord enables us to walk by faith, we enjoy a comfortable hope. But when He leaves us to encounter the assaults of the adversary, and the corruptions of our own hearts, and with nothing but our reasoning powers to combat them, however much our reason or souls have been enlightened in the knowledge of spiritual things, we have but a sorry, gloomy, doubting time of it, and we are made to know that it is not by any power that we have that faith can be brought to our rescue. Surely those who think that faith is merely the result of testimony, and that their souls have been renovated, and changed from natural to spiritual and heavenly souls, can never have been under that fourteen months cloud which I had to pass through, in which time I could so calmly and deliberately reason on putting an end to my existence, nor under many trials and dark seasons, such as I have had since to pass. I can as soon believe that darkness is light as I can believe that my soul with any powers it now has, though I hope I am born of God in a new and distinct life, can of itself exercise a comfortable trust in Christ and reliance on God. If they have experienced a different change from me, I, of course, can know nothing of that. But am transgressing those rules which Brother Beebe has found it necessary to adopt in order to sustain the publication of the Signs. This shows the propriety of what I am now in closing about to do, for I do not believe it is In me to write one of those kind of neutral communications which shall interfere with no one's expressed opinions.
In winding up then, after acknowledging, I think with gratitude, the many and great indulgences brother Beebe has extended to me, in publishing my communications, I now take farewell of the Signs, not as a supporter and promoter of them and their circulation, and not, as not publishing through them such notices as I may have occasion to publish, but as a correspondent of the Signs. I do not this from opposition to the course adopted by brother Beebe in reference to the present volume, but as acquiescing in it. I know the turn which has been given to my mind in writing, and I know not that I can change it. And it appears quite manifest that we cannot have discussion through the Signs, without controversy, and if controversy is further admitted, it seems, or has been thought the Signs could not be supported in the publication of them. This, by and by, does not look as though the church is now in the state of brotherly love. I wish I could see it in that state. As I wish the publication to continue ever under the present arrangements, for two reasons, I draw back.
1st. I wish them continued, because they are so welcome a messenger and so comforting to many of the brethren and sisters who are so scattered as not to enjoy the privilege of hearing much gospel preaching, or of much personal intercourse with brethren.
2nd. Brother Beebe commenced the publication of the Signs, as a pioneer in the Old School Cause and under many difficult and discouraging circumstances, and has valiantly, laboriously, and successfully battled the whole New School phalanx. Now after enduring the burden and heat of the day, it would be truly a matter of grief to see him suffering defeat and loss through the Old School.
But in acquiescing in the neutrality of the Signs, that is in reference to the differences of sentiment among Old School Baptists, I must be allowed to say, that for myself I can consent to no neutrality, or armistice in reference to what has been so much the subject of controversy in the Signs, namely, what is called soul regeneration. For myself, I would as soon ground arms in reference to Fullerism as to that. The more I look at it the more I am convinced that it strikes as directly at the ground work of salvation as does Fullerisrn, though more covertly.
My reasons for occupying this decided stand against this sentiment, I probably shall, if providence permits, hereafter publish in pamphlet or circular form, and distribute as I have opportunity.
S. Trott
P.S. Brother Beebe, on reading over the third number of my experience in the Signs, I feel a desire to make a few additional remarks on one point. I mentioned that when faith was given me in Christ, it produced in me a deeper sense of my own vileness, and of the vileness of sin than I ever had felt before, &c. From my experience, I have been led to think that the repentance which Christ is exalted as a Prince and a Saviour to give consists in that sorrow for sin in itself considered and contrasted with God's love, which flows from faith in Christ, in distinction from that sense of just condemnation arising from the application of the law.
I used to insist in preaching that genuine faith in Christ would be accompanied with this loathing of self and of sin, in distinction from that Camp-meeting kind of faith, in which the mind of the individual seems altogether engrossed with joy, and shouting. But finding so few mentioning this as connected with faith, I have thought it might be making my own experience too much of a test. Still finding that those who give their experience through the Signs mention nothing of this increased sorrow for sin flowing from their faith, the query has arisen in my mind, whether it is because they did not think it important to notice it, or whether their experience was not so, and that it was and still is, in every fresh manifestation, thus connected in my experience in consequence of my peculiar vileness, for I know that I am and have been the vilest of the vile. There are some ancient worthies with Whose experience mine seems to have accorded, Job in particular. See Job 4:5-6. Isaiah and Daniel Isaiah 6:5, Daniel 10:8. On other hand, I know the declaration is, "He that believeth on the Son hath everlasting life." The question therefore again arises: Whether this believing on the Son does, or does not, uniformly produce this self abasement and sorrow for sin? I would be pleased to hear, through the Signs, the minds of brethren on this point. Not to participate with them in any discussion on it.
S.T.
From: SIGNS of the TIMES: Vol.19 (1851)
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