BROTHER BEEBE: – From the borders of the pit, from the very confines of a land of darkness and of the shadow of death, we propose to resume our subject.
The reader will recollect, in our last communication, he had followed us down very near to that place where hope and mercy never comes; in which we then expected to receive our portion. I think I even felt some degree of resignation to such a fate. I felt all along a firm conviction that I should suffer nothing unjustly, nothing but the due reward of my own doings. I felt a confidence of receiving all the favor at the hands of the sovereign Judge that the circumstances of my case would admit of. Still what less could it be, than a “judgment and fiery indignation” which would devour me as an adversary?
Reader, do you not suppose that I now might have enjoyed the sweets of sin – that as my portion was in this life, I might have indulged in the lusts and pleasures thereof without restraint? But not so; I had lost my relish for sin. I had learned by sad experience what an “evil and bitter thing” sin was. Like as a child that has felt the scorching influence of the fire, carefully avoids and flees from it, so it was my desire and earnest solicitude to shun the appearance of evil. A sense of the Lord’s mercy and forbearance towards me weighed heavily upon my mind, so that I could not willingly sin against him. Let me be understood then, that considering my fate to be irrevocably sealed, and that be my course of life as it might, such was my unalterable destiny, in all candor I think that at this time I abhorred sin, and that my desire was to live a holy life.
During this time my reflections were at no time so violent as to prevent my attending regularly to business, and I think not so as to be known or understood by others– but more of this in its proper place. I did not rest very easy in this situation, but after a time I thought again of the great salvation and of the exceeding great and precious promises, extending to the vile, yea, and the rebellious also; can it be so, that there is neither help nor hope for me? I looked at the different characters set forth in the scriptures as having obtained forgiveness, to see whether any were so aggravated as mine. I thought with admiration of the resolve of queen Esther, “I will go in unto the king, and if I perish, I perish.” Though it should be presumption in me to do so, I could but perish anyhow, and I began to think seriously of pursuing a similar course.
Besides, the encouragement given by the blessed Jesus in various places to sinners, of every grade and character to call upon him, led me to inquire will he be offended and frown me from his presence if I once more seek his face? Allow me here to digress a moment and say to every self-condemned despairing soul, – read our Lord’s words in the parable of the unjust judge, Luke 18:1-8, and see if there is not encouragement there for even such as you and myself.
But to proceed. Hope seemed to be beaming in upon me though as yet I could see no ground of hope, nor any way of escape. The scripture which lay sorest upon me, (of which I Have spoken before,) I carefully examined again, to see whether it effectually shut the door against me or not, when the following clause or sentence arrested my attention, “After that we have received the knowledge of the truth.” Perhaps this will not apply to me, or that I am not the character designed in the passage. It may be that I have been ignorant of sin, its nature and consequences – ignorant of the extent and dominion of the holy law, and ignorant of the character of him against whom I have so wantonly transgressed: and as Paul obtained mercy because he sinned in ignorance and unbelief, perhaps my being destitute of the knowledge of the truth might afford some reasons to hope for the manifestation of divine mercy towards me also.
There occurred to my mind about this time a passage in Bunyan’s Pilgrim, from which I took some encouragement, although I was doubtful at the time about its being upon scripture authority. It is the reply of Goodwill to the confession of Christian on coming up to the gate, “We make no objections against any, notwithstanding all that they have done before they come hither.” It seemed however to contain the force of truth, and perhaps is fully warranted by the passage,“And him that cometh to me I will in no wise cast out.” Having obtained thus much, I resolved to consult one of the members of the church, hoping that I might learn of one who was travelling in the christian race what above all things I wished to know. I embraced the first opportunity to do so, but left the house to return to my residence, as desponding as I went. The time of deliverance was however drawing near, and before I reached home a sentence of scripture came upon my mind with seemingly divine authority, equal in length, and breadth, and depth, and height, to the condemnation under which Ilay, viz: “Wherefore he is able to save unto the uttermost” together with this, “My grace is sufficient for thee.” O! how rich, how full, and how free did that salvation which is in and through the Lord Jesus appear to my view! The riches of his grace, how they have been exemplified from time to time, in the extension of mercy and pardon to some of the vilest transgressors that have ever received from him the breath of life! It is enough; there is sufficient for me. I became satisfied that he was a Saviour that was able to save, and that the provisions of the gospel were fully commensurate with the condition of lost sinners, abundantly adequate to reach the most desperate case.
“Then I said, I am cast out of thy sight,yet I will again toward thy holy temple.” I now felt an assurance that there was mercy in store for me,and from that hopeless despondency which I had been sinking under, from that time to the present, I Have enjoyed entire and complete relief. But although I now believed that there was enough and to spare in my Father’s house, yet I was starving in a foreign land, and was not permitted to taste thereof. Months again passed without any thing special taking place, save that I continued, and that with much confidence, to seek an evidence for myself, that I was interested in that great salvation. At length, after meeting with much delay, I began to doubt, to wonder why it should thus be; whether I might not have been deceived or mistaken. As I was thus meditating, when alone in the house I took up the sacred volume to examine its pages, and see whether there was anything there for me, (for as yet it has always condemned me,) and I opened to the following words; “By night upon my bed I sought him whom my soul loveth: I sought him but I found him not. I will rise now, and go about the city in the streets, and in the broad ways I will seek him whom my soul loveth: I sought him, but found him not.” Here was my very complaint coming from the church, and that many centuries ago. It showed me that the Lord’s people in all ages had met with similar delays and discouragements to that which I was now complaining of; and withal that this complaint was from the church and not the world. I also learned in the next verse that it was not of very long continuance: that his mercy was not “clean gone forever,neither did his promise fail forever more.” Thus did I at this time receive some evidence for myself, the first that I had received at all; and my drooping hopes were again revived.
“Then I said, I am cast out of thy sight,yet I will again toward thy holy temple.” I now felt an assurance that there was mercy in store for me,and from that hopeless despondency which I had been sinking under, from that time to the present, I Have enjoyed entire and complete relief. But although I now believed that there was enough and to spare in my Father’s house, yet I was starving in a foreign land, and was not permitted to taste thereof. Months again passed without any thing special taking place, save that I continued, and that with much confidence, to seek an evidence for myself, that I was interested in that great salvation. At length, after meeting with much delay, I began to doubt, to wonder why it should thus be; whether I might not have been deceived or mistaken. As I was thus meditating, when alone in the house I took up the sacred volume to examine its pages, and see whether there was anything there for me, (for as yet it has always condemned me,) and I opened to the following words; “By night upon my bed I sought him whom my soul loveth: I sought him but I found him not. I will rise now, and go about the city in the streets, and in the broad ways I will seek him whom my soul loveth: I sought him, but found him not.” Here was my very complaint coming from the church, and that many centuries ago. It showed me that the Lord’s people in all ages had met with similar delays and discouragements to that which I was now complaining of; and withal that this complaint was from the church and not the world. I also learned in the next verse that it was not of very long continuance: that his mercy was not “clean gone forever,neither did his promise fail forever more.” Thus did I at this time receive some evidence for myself, the first that I had received at all; and my drooping hopes were again revived.
Signs of the Times
Volume 16, No. 17.
September 1, 1848
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