But these convictions were transient and of short duration. As I advanced in years, I progressed youthful vanity and sin. I became exceedingly anxious to excel my companions in work and amusements, and especially in their country frolics and dances. I was frequently admonished by my parents for working to excess, but much more frequently for my attachment to vanity. I cannot charge myself with irreverence to my parents; but when my pious mother would expostulate with me, I seized the opportunity to vindicate myself.
One morning when I came into her presence, having been out late the night before, she fixed her eyes upon me, said not a word, and the pious parental tear stole down her cheek, which struck me with more conviction than I ever remembered to have felt before, which I could not eradicate by any reply, and which caused these reflections to sink deep in my mind: "Do my present follies cause so much pain to the most pious and most tender of parents, what must be the consequence, when they recoil on my own soul! Recoil they must, if not before, at least in the day of judgment; and there I must see this parent, whose tears now condole my case, smile an acquiescent consent in the dreadful sentence of eternal banishment from the righteous judge." These reflections caused many resolutions, which were shamefully broken for a time; yet a sense of my dangerous situation, would, now and then, fill my mind with melancholy sensations, and doth even now, while writing it.
When I was about fifteen years of age, my brother Stephen, who was then in his twentieth year, died. He was, before, and in the first part of his illness, deeply concerned for the salvation of his soul, of which, before his death, he professed a strong hope. When he expressed this hope, and what he said under his conviction, greatly engaged my resolution to seek an acquaintance, if possible, with Christ. Probably, great part of this exercise flowed from natural affections, as time gradually wore it away. This has caused me to omit many impressions which which had some appearance of convictions, such as escapes from apparent danger of death, by various means incidental to youth; the deaths of others &C. &C. Between two and three years after this, the dysentery seized the family excepting my father and myself. They were brought exceeding low, and a brother and two sisters fell victims to the disorder; one of whom was in her twentieth year. It was the more alarming to me, as it brought to my mind a prediction, which had been early imposed on my father, and which I had often heard him mention with apparent cheerfulness. Which prediction was, that he would have many children, (as in reality he had,) and that three of them should die in their twentieth year. As I was next in point of years, this thought continually haunted me, and made me sensible that I was not prepared for such an awful change. Whenever I could dispel those gloomy thoughts, I was more at ease, and more vile and vain than ever, which continued and even increased until the christmas before I was nineteen years of age.
That time, I had determined to spend a jovial evening with my frolicking companions. As, however, there was a sermon to be preached on that day, near to the place where I lived, I concluded to attend both. After sermon, my mind turned on the inconsistency of my conduct, in spending the day, where God was served, and the night, in the service of the devil. This led me to consider more closely than ever, that if a day was regarded as the birth of Christ, a holy Saviour, through whom alone we could look for salvation,— how improper it was to spend it in open rebellion! This brought me to a resolution,-— that I would spend my time in a more consistent manner, than I had done—and, blessed be God, before the year terminated, I was brought under serious impressions, which arose from a conversation with a person, whom I supposed really pious and sincere. He advanced something, which my own soul told me was just; but vainly supposing I could shake his belief, I readily undertook to argue with him, which so confused him, that he requested me to stop; with which I cheerfully complied, being fully satisfied with the victory I had obtained. We parted, and in a few minutes it occurred to my mind, that I had acted improperly ;—that I had been instigated by the devil, to oppose truth and glory. I appeared to myself to be a worshipper of Satan; and it seemed that all the advantages I possessed, were employed to the dishonour of God; and I thought it was a miracle of mercy and grace, that he did not make me an everlasting monument of his displeasure.
It became my ardent wish, that if there was a possibility of pardon for my sins and transgressions, I might not rest either night or day until I obtained it: which was in some measure the case, although my trials under conviction were of long continuance. I embraced every opportunity in my power, in attending preaching, reading godly books, and praying either mentally or aloud. There was a total change in my company and conduct.
But I soon found by experience, what I had early learned from my Bible, that a change of heart was necessary; and that the power of God's grace only could accomplish it; which, I was afraid, would never be granted. I was, however, determined to seek it to the latest hour of my existence. I cannot express the anguish, with which my mind was frequently oppressed, with the idea of being eternally banished from God, in endless despair, to everlasting destruction. I saw I deserved it, and at times concluded it was unavoidable. My prayers were selfish and sinful. I often thought that I offended God in asking for pardon, when justice appeared so pointedly against it.
In short, I appeared to myself the vilest of sinners, more worthless and odious than the meanest reptile, and the greatest hypocrite in the world. It appeared that what I felt was only natural remorse, and not a genuine conviction that God's wrath was the prelude of his lasting displeasure. Impressed with these feelings I concluded I was willing to be saved, and that if I waited the assistance of God, it was all I could do: for it was by his grace that I could be saved. This in some measure afforded me a kind of deluded ease, until I heard a sermon from these words, in Song of Solomon 3:11, Go forth O ye daughters of Zion, and behold King Solomon, &c. From which discourse I plainly saw the alienation of my heart, that the fault was owing to myself if I was not saved, and that God was waiting to be gracious. Never before, had I seen so much of the evil of my hard and obstinate heart.
From that time, the nature of my conviction was altered, and my grief was greater. I knew that I must be changed, and that it was to be effected by God, and that he would affect it was my most fervent wish. But how he could be just and save me I knew not: that he could be just and condemn me, appeared plain. In this state, I remained for some time. And it was some satisfaction to my mind, that God would secure his own glory, and the honour of his son. In this temper of mind, the way of salvation, through the life, death, and mediation, of the glorious Saviour, appeared plain. I contemplated on the amazing wisdom and goodness of God, and condescension of Christ, My soul was enraptured, amazed, and confounded, that with all my ingratitude, I could still be saved. My mind was enlightened, and my guilt and fear of punishment was removed.
Yet, notwithstanding the alteration I felt, I am not sensible that I thought of its being a real conviction; I was afraid my convictions would not be lasting; and I prayed for a continuance of them. I was constrained at times to rejoice in God and his salvation; and in this state continued some time, until a sermon from these words, with light and power fasted on my mind: "Jesus, thou Son of David, have mercy on me." I trust they were so applied, that I could not put them from me. They opened the way of salvation, the suitableness, fullness, and willingness of God and I was enabled to appropriate them to myself, and rejoice in Christ. This was the time, from which I. dated my conversion, and I think I walked in the light of God's countenance, and had many blessed promises, which strengthened and confirmed my hope in, and humbled me before God.
About this time, there were a number of young people of my acquaintance in the neighbourhood, who were under serious concern for their souls, and as I had, in my distress, warned them of their exposure to the wrath of God, I could now point out to them, Christ, and the method of salvation through him.— As my soul felt what I said, it seemed as if God made them sensible of it. We assembled, on evenings, to pray and converse; and I now believe that this was a useful part of my life- I was inclined to become a preacher, but thought it my duty to wait and pursue literary acquirements. Indeed, I had not then made an open profession, or joined the church.
For some reasons, I wished to join that of the Presbyterian; and as a communion season was approaching, I expected some examination. I took the Westminster confession of faith, and the Bible, with a view honestly to profess them. The doctrines appeared thoroughly grounded, and perfectly consonant with the Bible, until I came to the doctrine of baptism. The proofs there adduced, fell far short of my expectations, and appeared foreign to the point.— I then took the Bible, especially the New Testament, and searched it for months together; and enquired for, and obtained all the disputes, especially in favour of infant baptism, that I could hear of; I, however, could find nothing that seemed to me to amount to a divine warrant.
 |
| Gilbert Tennent (1703-1764) |
 |
| Baptist Meeting House in Scotch Plains NJ |
Soon after, "Mr. Miller" Mr. Miller was born in the Piscataway neighborhood, about the year 1715. He is described as having been "wild and froward" in early life; but a sudden and surprising change was wrought in him by a sermon from the celebrated Gilbert Tennent, then a Presbyterian pastor in New Brunswick. Mr. Tennent, who, it is said, had christened Mr. Miller, encouraged him to study the languages and prepare for the ministry. He had hardly entered on his course of study, when a discourse by the Rev. Mr. Hiram, his instructor, at the christening of a child, together with subsequent conversations and independent investigations, led him first to doubt the scriptural grounds of the ceremony, and finally to become a Baptist. Uniting with the church at Piscataway, about the year 1740, he relinquished his projected course of study, and gave himself with much zeal, tempered with humility and gentleness, to the work for which his natural abilities, and the grace of God, had so well fitted him." a baptist minister, inquiring of me why I did not profess Christ openly, and join some church, I told him my difficulty. He replied, that God's word and spirit would direct me, and if I attended to them impartially, they would remove my doubts; and if they did not make me a Baptist, he did not wish to do it. This conversation led me to enquire if I had done so. I was soon convinced I had not; but had only searched for something to confirm me in the doctrine of infant baptism, which I had received from my education. I really think, that if any person was ever induced to take the word of God in hand, with a fervent desire to be free from all prepossessions, to see the truth as it really was, and to let the Bible be their guide, I was.
A number of inconsistencies perplexed me in my infant baptism, and Providence gave me an opportunity to disclose some of them. I happened to spend an evening with Mr. Tennant, and some of my Presbyterian friends, when I was' drawn into the conversation, from the supposition that I was the person who conversed with him at the presbytery. He asked me, if I was yet satisfied, or wished to converse farther on the subject. I told him I did so, provided it would be agreeable to bring in all my objections; with which he complied. I then related to him the thoughts with which I left him, and those which occurred after, and mentioned, that after conversing with him, I had an opportunity of attending the baptism of a child, when the minister, in his prayer, uttered these words: "Lord bless so much of this element as is used in this ordinance, the washing away of original pollution," which struck me very forcibly; he however condemned it. I also remarked to him, that the minister in speaking, called it a seal of the covenant of grace, which I told him appeared to be saying too much of any external ordinance. That the blood of Christ was the seal, and that He also, in my view, was the covenant; and that God's word and spirit applying to our consciences was a seal. I wished, if I was wrong, that he would put me right. I also mentioned, that I had my doubts, whether baptism was a substitute for circumcision, both being in use at the same time; and even ought to be, as "the cutting off of the Messiah," and the shedding of his' blood, was pointed at in that ordinance till it was accomplished; that the same subjects relating to both were useless, if one was the substitute for the other.—Their subjects were different, and the end and design of the ordinances appeared to me to be different. I mentioned these, and other difficulties, with a sincere desire of being instructed; but I had neither my doubts confirmed or removed. I was however much pleased with the goodness and candour of the man, who closed with this address: "Dear young man, if the devil cannot destroy your soul, he will endeavour to destroy your comfort and usefulness; and therefore do not be always doubting in this matter. If you cannot think as I do, think for yourself."
I then endeavoured to learn my duty from the new testament, as being a new testament ordinance, and found that it was from Heaven, had its authority from God, and became binding by a positive command. The characters of those, who were to be baptized were, disciples, penitent believers, and such as had received the holy ghost, I could not find by any of the apostles' practice, that any others were encouraged or permitted, unless they intruded as Simon Magus did. And the apostles declared him to have no part or lot in that matter. The end and design was to fulfil righteousness—to answer a good conscience. All things considered, I could see no ground for infant baptism in the new testament.
I next turned my attention to the mode, which appeared so plain in the example of Christ, in the places where he administered, and the reasons why he administered in those places, insomuch, that I was soon established in the belief, that immersion was the only mode, which could be gathered from the new testament; and with this mode my conscience pressed me to comply. I then addressed my father on the subject. I told him "his constant religious care over me entitled him to all the gratitude I was capable of rendering, yet I must beg his indulgence. I believed he was conscientious in having me baptized in my infancy, as he had supposed, and I had tried to suppose, it right But, on the whole, I was convinced it was my duty to be baptised by immersion; and that it relied on the profession of my own faith, if the church would receive me." He replied, that what he did, he thought right, and in the discharge of his own conscience. If I was conscientious, (and he was thankful to God, that he had reason to believe I was, from his observance of my searching the scriptures and the time I had taken therein, and the books I had read, I had his full and free consent; and it was my duty to make profession.— That whenever I went to offer myself, he would go with me, and give the church his consent, and answer any inquiries respecting my life, if they chose to make any; and that he would go and see me baptized. — This he did; and there were a number baptized with me. I believe from this time, my father changed his opinion on the subject, although he never confessed it, until a few months before his death; which happened in the eighty- seventh year of his age.— Mr. Isaac Eaton preached his funeral sermon from these words: "Few and evil have the days of the years of the life'''' of thy servant been, and have not attained unto the days of the years of the life of my fathers, in the days of their pilgrimage.''
[Excerpts from Biographical Memoirs of the Late John Gano (NY: Southwick & Hardcastle, 1806)]
No comments:
Post a Comment
Thanks for commenting. If an answer is needed, we will respond.