I had been at Kingston about seven or eight months, in the distressed condition which I have before mentioned; having just strength enough to move about and attend my work, and that was all. Being at that time sorely tried with the cruel mockings of my follow-workmen, I longed much to leave that place. It so fell out, that the foreman came to me one day, and informed me that a gentleman at Sunbury wanted a gardener; telling me at the same time that the gentleman's gardener had cut his throat, after having embezzled some of his master's money. I went immediately after the place and was accordingly hired. In a few days after I went to my servitude; and my guilt, fear, horror, and temptations accompanied me. At that time my wife went to see her relations in Dorsetshire and continued with them for ten or twelve weeks. I was now got
into a strange place, and my only companion had left me: the family that I served was in London; and, as they had lately bought the house, they did not intend coming into it till it was fitted up, and the gardens put in proper order. An old woman was also kept to take care of the house until it was fitted up and furnished for the reception of the family.
My curiosity prompted me to inquire strictly of the housekeeper the cause of the gardener having cut his throat. She accordingly informed me that he had received money from his master to buy some clothes with; but, instead of that, he had spent it all: and that soon after a letter was found, which he had unguardedly dropped, that had come from a gentleman of the faculty, containing a large bill for curing him of the venereal disease, and many threatenings for having neglected to discharge it. She added, that it was supposed he had obtained this money under the pretext of buying clothes, while he meant to pay this bill; but, getting into company, he had spent the whole: which people conjectured was the cause of the violent attempt he had made on his life.
I then asked in what manner he had done it; she answered, that the gardener came home about four o'clock in the morning, went upstairs, and cut his throat with a razor; but, finding he had not done it effectually, he stopped the wound with his handkerchief, lest he should bleed on the stairs, while he went into the kitchen to fetch his pruning-knife, with which he cut it again; and, again stopping the wound with his handkerchief, went into the street, and walked on the road till he dropped down with the loss of blood. Some people soon after found him and alarmed the neighborhood. He was brought home, and a surgeon was sent for to close up the wound, which was thought to be mortal, as the throat was deeply cut; however the wound was closed; but, under the operation, and with the loss of blood, he had violent fits; and, being a strong bony man, it was as much as five or six men could do to hold
him: and no wonder that the devil afforded him such aid when he had brought him so near an awful end. However, he was sent to a hospital; and, whether he lived or died, I cannot inform my reader. I then desired to see the room where he had committed this violent act. She accordingly showed me the room, and where the blood had run on the boards, which they had endeavored to plane out; but, the hoards being old, they could not get the stain out. I then asked her how he behaved when they had sewn up the wound, and whether he could speak? She replied, "Yes, just to be understood;" for the people asked him how he could be guilty of so rash an action: and he said, "It was that black man who stands in the corner of the room; he told me to do it, and he tempted me to it." The relation of these circumstances was like fresh fuel to feed the flame of wrath that was already kindled in my heart; and, to complete all, she told me that was the bed I was to lie in. I now thought everything conspired together in order to bring me to death and destruction. I was all day long tempted to do as this man had done. He was left to do it, and why not I? I thought his temptations could not be stronger than mine were. And he was left of God, and why should not I, seeing my mind was daily harassed with such blasphemies against him?
O the subtlety of the devil; first to deceive, and then to destroy mankind! But who can wonder at this, when he tempted the blessed Son of God to self-murder, by advising him to throw himself down from the pinnacle of the temple; as it is written, "Then the devil taketh him up into the holy city, and setteth him on a pinnacle of the temple, and saith unto him, If thou be the Son of God, cast thyself down; for it is written, He shall give his angels charge concerning thee; and in their hands, they sit all bear thee up, lest at any time thou dash thy foot against a stone," Matt iv. 5, 6. You see the devil quoted scripture to obtain his end and left out that part of the text that made against the temptation. Satan quoted the text from Ps. xci. 11, 12. And he handled it wisely, for he left out
just seven words; namely, "to keep thee in all thy ways." The devil knew that rash presumption was not God's way, nor would God be tempted. How did the devil know that? my reader may say. By his own experience; for Satan had been presumptuous even in heaven; and his presumption led him to break through the rules of happiness and launched him into the bottomless pit, where he must ever lie under the guilt of the great transgression.
Satan likewise omitted another verse (the 18th) of the same psalm, which made a point-blank against him; it is written, "Thou shalt tread upon the lion and adder; the young lion and the dragon shalt thou trample under feet." These words were made good to the ever-lovely Jesus; therefore the Saviour stood firm on the pinnacle when the devil fell headlong; as it is written, "The accuser of the brethren is cast down," Rev. xii. 10. Christ cast him both on the pinnacle of God's house and on the accursed tree also. We may here see the cunning which the devil uses to ensnare unguarded minds: he is always on the watch to support his own cause; for, as the Saviour says, "If Satan cast out Satan, he is divided against himself: how then should his kingdom stand?" Matt. xii. 26.
I think I never was before so sunk in despair as at this time. My sins standing perpetually before my eyes - the guilt of them so keen within me - the scriptures leveling their dreadful threatenings at me as a sinner's temptations very violent all day long - a room to lie in where the devil had gained his point over a fellow sinner - and I at the same time so timorous and fearful that I was almost afraid to walk alone, having been so long haunted with these terrors - I used to go to bed with as much reluctance as the ox goeth to the slaughter, being fearful that every night would be my last.
The old woman, who lived in the house with me, perceiving me very serious, and dead to all vain conversation, lent me a book - one of the best, she said, that ever was written - THE WHOLE DUTY OF MAN!
This book I eagerly embraced this, read it every opportunity that was offered, and labored hard all day long to live up to its rules; and, if I made a false step, I endeavored to mend that by performing a double task. During many months I was thus employed, but all in vain; for how can a blind man see there ways of God, or a dead man perform a divine and spiritual service?
Satan now began again to tempt me violently that there was no God; but I reasoned against the belief of that, from my own experience of his dreadful wrath; and I said, "How can I credit this suggestion, when his wrath is already revealed in my heart, and every curse in his book leveled at my head?" The devil answered that the Bible was false, and only written by cunning men to puzzle and deceive people. I also reasoned against this, and the devil answered me forcibly. I therefore do not at all wonder why Satan is so often styled "a familiar spirit." He argued with me thus: "If the Bible be true, it declares God to be loving, pitiful, gracious, merciful, willing to hear prayer and to help the distressed; ready to forgive; and that he will be found of them that seek him. Now, can any creature try to please him more than you have done? Can any pray more? Can any stand in greater need of mercy than you do? And have you found him merciful? Have you not rebuked me in the name of Jesus, and prayed against me; and do I not keep possession of you still? And I will bring you back to sinning again, as bad as ever; I will wear you out if I pursue you to the grave."
"There is no God," replied the adversary, "nor is the Bible true." I could not answer him, nor could I contradict this: I only asked, Who then made the world? He replied, "I did, and I made men too." "Alas?" said I, "what! devils make men?" The answer was, "Yes, I made you." "Then," said I, "devils make devils, for I am filled with devils." I thought this engagement would have driven me to distraction. Satan, perceiving my rationality almost gone, followed me up with another temptation: That, as there was no God, I must come back to his work again; and, as I had fled from his service to cry after a God when there was no such being, I had acted hypocritically with him; and, when he brought me to hell, he would punish me more than all the rest, for he was the tormentor. I cried out "Oh. what will become of me? what will become of me?" He answered, that there was no way for me to escape but by praying to him, and that he would shew me some lenity when he took me to hell. I was obliged to set down my spade, and leave my work; and I went and sat in my tool house, halting between two opinions; whether I should petition Satan, or whether I should keep praying to God till I could ascertain the consequences. When I was thinking of bending my knees to such a cursed being as Satan, an uncommon fear of God sprung up in my heart to keep me from it. Oh! how good is our God! He plants "his fear in our hearts, that we should not depart from him."
Finding this strong preventing fear in my heart, and a thought that I should find a God some time or other, I told the adversary to cease tempting me; adding, that, if he could drag me to hell, his state would not be made better by that, for he was already damned. This fear fortified me so, that I was desperately bold, and almost the devil's match. I told him he was damned, and he could not contradict it. This weakened the temptation for a time; and it was agreeable to that scripture which saith, "Resist the devil, and he will flee from you," Jam iv. 7.
I got up from my seat and went to work. I lifted up my head to God in prayer, and there appeared a rainbow in all its beauty, the finest I ever saw; it seemingly encompassed the horizon. I cried out at the sight of this, and said to my accuser, "There is a God, and the Bible is true; God's word says, I will set my bow in the cloud; and there it is; my eyes now see it. There is a God, and God's word is true." The enemy could make no reply to this; so the temptation was much weakened, and I had a few hours respite; not from the temptation itself, but from the fiery force of it.
I should not have mentioned this temptation so plainly if I had not found the like mentioned in the Bible. Satan tempted the Saviour to believe that the world was his, and he might as well have said that he made it; for the maker of it must be the owner of it. However, Satan wanted even the dear Redeemer to pray to him and adore him; as it is written, "Again, the devil taketh him up into an exceeding high mountain, and showeth him all the kingdoms of the world, and the glory of them; and saith unto him, All these things will I give thee, if thou wilt fall down and worship me," Matt. iv. 8, 9.
"All shall be thine," said Satan, "if thou wilt worship me." And pray what is this but saying, I will give thee all these things if thou wilt kneel down, and pray to me for them? I believe our dear Redeemer told his disciples of these temptations in private, in order to comfort them in their temptations; for as they could not be eye-witnesses, they must have remained ignorant of them, unless Christ had informed them.
Many more sore temptations did Jesus undergo, during his ministry, besides this first engagement, as appears evident from these words; "And, When the devil had ended all the temptation, he departed from him for a season," Luke, iv. 13. Mark that, "for a season;" not for good and all. And I believe, too, that he had many temptations after that, which the apostles knew of while they sat under his ministry; as appears from that passage where the Saviour, in speaking to his disciples concerning his temptations, says, "Ye are they which have continued with me in my temptations; [mark that - temptations - many of them.] And I appoint unto you a kingdom, as my Father hath appointed unto me," Luke, xxii. 28, 29. Here the dear Redeemer is both commending and comforting them, "Ye have continued with me in my temptations; you have not turned your backs on me on that account; and I appoint unto you a kingdom, &e." O! sweet encouragement to them; and a sweet cordial to Peter, who was just ready to go into the devil's sieve, as appears in the following verses, "And the Lord said, Simon, Simon, behold, Satan hath desired to have thee, that he may sift thee as wheat; but I have prayed for thee, that thy faith fail not; and, when thou art converted, strengthen thy brethren;" or, comfort them that are tempted.
Thus the blessed Redeemer "was tempted in all points like as we are, yet without sin," Heb. iv. 15.
Reader, art thou a tempted one? Take comfort from this consideration; that, if the devil would engage "the captain of our salvation, how can we poor common soldiers expect to escape? "We must fight manfully under the Saviour's banner, against the world, the flesh, and the devil; and continue Christ's faithful soldiers or servants." There is a vein of the saints' temptations that runs through the whole Bible; and how sweet has that vein been opened to my soul since the Lord delivered me out of my troubles!
I am fully persuaded, by the word of the Lord, that when the elect are engaged in the field of battle against the devil, they are engaged in the war that God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Ghost, have declared. First, God the Father declared, "And I will put enmity between thee and the woman, and between thy seed and her seed; it shall bruise thy head, and thou shalt bruise his heel:" which words must not be limited to the Saviour's humanity only; but, in a
figurative sense, they are applicable to his body mystical, the heel of that body being the feeblest of the chosen tribes, or the weaklings in faith; such as those were whom Amalek, the devil's type, engaged; as it is written, "Remember what Amalek did unto thee by the way, when ye were come forth out of Egypt; how he met thee by the way, and smote the hindmost of thee, even all that were feeble behind thee when thou wast faint and weary; and he feared not God," Deut. xxv. 17, 18. Thus he bruises the heel. The eye is the foremost member, and the heel the last, in the mystical body of Christ.
Secondly, The Saviour himself came to engage in this war, and then he proclaimed the same war for us," I came not to send peace upon earth, but a sword," and a fire; yea, saith the Saviour, "the hour of temptation shall come on all the world, to try them that dwell upon the earth," Rev. iii. 10. But he gives us a promise of power to tread, even as his father gave him. Mark that word tread; it is a quotation of the promise that God the Father made to Christ; as it is written, "Thou shalt tread upon the lion and adder," Psal. xci. 13. And the Saviour applies the same promise to us, "I will give you the power to tread on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the adversary; and nothing shall by any means hurt you," Luke, x. 19.
Thirdly, God the Holy Ghost hath declared this war between the elect and Satan; [mark, Christ is one of the elect.] And it was the Spirit of God that mustered the battle, and led the Saviour forth to the field; as it is written, "Then was Jesus led up of the Spirit into the wilderness, to be tempted of the devil; and, when he had fasted forty days and forty nights, he was afterward an hungered," &c. Matt. iv. 1, 2. And I believe that it is the same blessed Spirit that leads God's elect forth to the same conflict. Satan reigns and rules in all our hearts while we are disobedient, as the scriptures witness; but it is the Holy Ghost that "binds this strong man armed, and casts him out takes all his armor from him wherein he trusted, and divides the spoil," as the Saviour saith. Satan, finding himself dethroned, or cast down, begins to wage war with us; and the Holy Spirit leads us forth to engage him, and to shield us in the combat, by working that faith in the heart which lays hold of Christ, and which leads us to the atonement of the Lamb; and we overcome Satan by faith in that blood, Rev. xii. 11. This shews us the power of Satan, the deadly evil of sin, the victorious power of spiritual faith, and the sufficiency of Christ, as a shield of that faith, to "quench the fiery darts of the wicked," Ephes. vi. 16; and also leads us experimentally to know and enjoy the supporting and comforting influences of the blessed Spirit of God.
I found great comfort, when God delivered my soul, in seeing my own temptations so much like some of my blessed Master's. And I was much amazed at that invisible assistance from God, which had "kept my mouth as it were with a bridle" all the while the adversary laid so hot a siege to my mind.
But to return to my subject. Finding that I had gathered a little strength by the sight of the rainbow, I labored and prayed more earnestly than ever; if I spake a word amiss ten times a day, I would run to prayer every time and beg pardon, being determined to rub off as I went. I made an inquiry when the sacrament was to be administered, and found I had two weeks to prepare myself in; so I began upon that and kept close to my daily task. And now most dreadful temptations came again afresh, with as much violence as ever. Finding this, I was determined to weaken them, as I thought, by fasting. And this was more than I could well bear, because I worked very hard; so that, when I came to add fasting to hard labor, it almost overset me. But what will not a guilty sinner do when he is at the gates of hell?
When the sacramental sabbath arrived, I went to the table in all the horror and terror imaginable; then back to my pew, and there wept and prayed till I almost fainted, and was obliged to go home to bed. By this rigorous fast, I had brought myself so low that I was almost in a decline; nothing would stay on my stomach for some time after. This I found would not do; therefore I never afterwards ran to such extremes.
My adversary now attacked me from another quarter; namely, that I had received the sacrament unworthily, and therefore had contracted the greatest guilt by it; that a worthy communicant was one who was free from all sin, but I was not; and that, if any communicant ever sinned after he had received the sacrament, there was no mercy for him. This drove me to my wit's end; I could not sleep during the night, but used to lie crying and praying till my bed was wet with sweat and tears; commanding my adversary, in the name of Jesus Christ, to depart. However, it was all to no purpose, for my guilt and temptations stuck close to me; and many a time was I tempted to do as my predecessor had done, which made me afraid to look at a knife or razor.
Being quite worn out with these long trials, and fretting all day long, I began secretly to wish that I had never thought about religion at all; as then I should have had some ease in this world if I was damned in the next. Wherefore I was determined to break through all bounds, let what would be the consequence. I therefore set off to an alehouse, got into company, and so drowned my horror for a time. But how I felt it the next morning, I shall leave those to judge who has tried the wretched experiment However, I persisted in this resolution, and the next day went to see a review on Laylham Common; so got into the company, and began with light, trifling conversation. This, with the assistance of liquor, kept the conviction of my conscience stifled for a time.
I continued this dissolute course for some weeks, and offered desperate violence to my own conscience, striving hard to drown all thoughts of God and futurity: and, if conscience would force in a word, I replied thus - "If I am damned, I shall not be damned alone; the greatest part of mankind will bear me company." And I believe I uttered this with my lips. Is this free will? Yes, this is the human will in all her boasted rectitude! Thus I went on and had in a measure accomplished my wretched design; namely, that of hardening my conscience.
About this time there came a man from Kingston, with whom I had contracted an intimacy; he was a very moral man and a great reader. Knowing me to be of a serious turn of mind, he brought me a sermon in manuscript, copied from some author He made me a present of it; and, at his departure, I went with him and treated him, in order to keep conscience down, and I knew I should have dreadful work of it if ever conscience got the advantage of me again. However, on my return, I opened this book and found it to be a sermon from this text: "For Tophet is ordained of old; yea, for the king it is prepared, he hath made it deep and large; the pile thereof is fire and much wood; the breath of the Lord, like a stream of brimstone, doth kindle it," Isa. xxx. 33.
I took the book upstairs with me, and read it till my hair stood erect upon my head; and I thought for a few minutes, that I really was in hell. I cried aloud, for all those violent acts of rebellion were charged upon my conscience, after making so many vows, and frequenting the Lord's table; that now I had sinned out of the reach of mercy. I thought I should have torn my flesh from my bones. I stripped stark naked to read and pray; and made a vow to God, never to go any more into a public house, during the time that I lived at Sunbury, if he would but pardon me for this desperate act of rebellion. But there appeared no signs of pardon; therefore I superstitiously
laid the Bible under my pillow, to operate as a charm, in case the devil should attempt to carry me away in the night. I wrapped myself up in the clothes and lay till I sweated with anguish of soul. When the morning appeared I wept aloud to God, out of gratitude to him whom I had so offended, that another day had been granted me before I met my expected and dreadful end. For several weeks together I watched my animal frame, in order to observe whether sickness, or any disorder, had begun to chase my guilty soul out of her clay tabernacle. Sometimes I would fancy myself very ill, and then conclude that my long-expected end was at hand. But, when the next morning arrived, I wept aloud again, and said - " What! out of hell yet! O, good and gracious Lord! Would I let such a rebel live, if he was such an enemy to me as I am to thee? No; I would destroy him if it were in my power. And can I blame the Almighty if he damns such a rebel as I am? No; I deserve it; I have done all that I could do to offend him; and therefore it is my just due."
I now began to think that God had secret regard for me; that he pitied me, and would save me if he could; but I supposed he could not, because I thought that I had sinned out of the reach of his revealed promise; and I knew it was impossible for him to lie, or to make his promise void: nor could I desire him to expose the honor and glory of his sacred majesty to the contempt of fools and devils, to save a wretch like me. I therefore began to love him, pity him, and feel for his honour. Yea, I sat down under these considerations, contented even with the thoughts of certain damnation; being fully persuaded, in my own mind, that God would shew me as much lenity, even in hell, as his truth and justice would admit of; "for God is not man that he should lie, nor the son of man that he should repent." He hath spoken, and he must make it good; his spotless purity, and his divine veracity, bind him to it. Every morning, therefore, when I woke up, I cried out and blessed him for sparing me another night. I was certain that he would let me dwell in the land of the living as long as his secret decrees would allow him, and I pitied and blessed him from my very heart.
If at any time a ray of comfort even seemed to operate on my mind, I coyly put it from me, not desiring his blessed Majesty to exceed the bounds of his revealed will. What a poor blind soul I then was! But God knoweth that I lie not; I simply inform my reader the whole truth, just as I then felt it. And, if I had gone no farther in the knowledge of God than this, it is better divinity than any branch of Arminianism I have ever yet heard of. For I had a strong faith in God's immutability, in his justice, and in his mercy, where it could be shown consistent with his righteousness; and I was very far from thinking that God was a liar, like myself; as it is written, "Let God be true, but every man a liar."
I wish the Arminians would observe this golden rule; they would not then affirm that we may be children of God today, and be cast away as children of the devil tomorrow. They ought at least to let God appear as perfect as themselves. But no man will ever be clear in the immutability, faithfulness, truth, holiness, and justice, of God, till he has, more or less, felt the severity of the law, nor will he preach up triumphant grace, unadulterated, until he has felt its power working a change in him, which, with all his efforts, he could not possibly accomplish.
During the time I was under this frame of mind I one night dreamed that I was climbing up the outside of a very magnificent building, and had got a great way towards the top of it; but some wretched beings kept throwing water in my face, to hinder my ascent, I found myself, in consequence, in imminent danger of falling, which I thought must unavoidably kill me, as I had got up into the upper regions, and had nothing to sustain me but my hands and feet as I climbed on the outside of this building. However, I reached the top and found myself delivered from all my fears, and filled with joy. In my joyful acclamations I awoke, "and behold it was a dream!" But I gathered the comforts of hope from it; and concluded that I should have dreadful difficulties to encounter on my way to heaven, but that I should arrive there at last. This gave me fresh encouragement to continue my efforts, though it was against both wind and tide.
I was now determined to go from church to church, till I should find a minister that could point out the way to me in which God, in his justice, could save a sinner. I had a strong faith in God's immutability, holiness, justice, and truth; and was sure he would be faithful both to his justice and mercy: but yet I did not see how I could be saved, because justice and holiness militated against me as a sinner. Still, however, by the dream, I thought I should get to heaven. I therefore was determined to pay all possible attention to the sermons which I heard; and would listen only to hear which way a sinner like me could be saved with justice on his side. This was all I wanted, and I knew would answer my purpose. I had learned the other lessons already. On the Lord's day following I went to Kingston, to my old favorite minister; and, when I came there, was told there had been a great disturbance in the town about the methodists coming there; and that the people had been endeavoring to drive them out of the place, as they came to deceive ignorant people, and draw poor souls away from the church. I answered, It was a great pity that the king suffered them to preach; and added, that it fulfilled what Peter said, that false teachers should come; and that it was such wretches as these that would hasten the end of the world, which I was loath to meet.
I inquired if many people went after them; and was informed that several did, which I was grieved to hear. I therefore blessed myself that I had been kept from these "wolves in sheep's clothing," as I termed them; and then went with my burdened conscience to my favoured church. As soon as I got into the bowels of my old solid mother, I bedewed her pavement with many a silent tear and blessed her sacred walls in the name of the Lord of Hosts. When I had taken my seat, I viewed her venerable inside and secretly vowed that nothing but death should ever separate that insensible revered parent from her poor blind child.
When the minister appeared I found it was my old favourite whom I was glad to see. But when he read his text, he rather staggered me, as I thought he was going to preach in favor of Methodism. It was this, "And now I say unto you, refrain from these men, and let them alone; for if this counsel or this work be of men, it will come to naught; but, if it is of God, ye cannot overthrow it, lest haply ye be found even to fight against God," Acts, v. 38, 39. I thought he was going to caution the people not to misuse these false prophets. But he did not do that: though he spake enough against the methodists to convince me that he was a true son of the church, yet he did not belabor them as I thought he ought to have done. However, he soon cleared himself of that imputation also; for he told us that the churches of England were such plain, substantial buildings - their altarpieces and other ornaments so decent - the order of the establishment so apostolic - their prayers, collects, &c. so well adapted - and that she had stood unshaken on her basis (I think he said) fifteen hundred years; - and then he laid his hand upon his breast, and said with peculiar emphasis, "I speak from my heart, that she never has been overthrown, and I believe she never will." To this, I put my secret Amen, and that gave it a final close. In short, I enthroned him higher in my affections than ever he was before.
Indeed there is no fear of such religion being overthrown, for it has got the world on its side. And, while the names of mother and church are applied to the building, and the title of Father in God put on a dead prelate, the family will always be of the same stamp. But surely we may warrantably say to such fathers, What begettest thou? - and to such mothers, What hast thou brought forth? - But to return-
I now set off for Sunbury as an established member of the Church of England, and filled with indignation against the methodists; and, when I came to Hampton town, I looked up at the church, pulled off my hat, bowed my head, and blessed her in the name of the Lord. I became quite an iron pillar and brazen wall to the church; and should have made strange havoc among the methodists, had I been entrusted with the office of inquisitor-general.
On the next Lord's Day, I proposed to go farther a field, to some other church; but I was informed that there was a clergyman coming down from London to preach at Sunbury; which I was happy to hear; for I did not like the minister at Sunbury, because he was running about the fields all the week with a gun in his hand; so that I never thought his person was sacred unless he had his gown and cassock on. He likewise greatly disgusted me once at the church, as he was reading one of the lessons for the day; for, when he came to these words, "And David came to his house at Jerusalem; and the king took the ten women his concubines, whom he had left to keep the house, and put them in ward and fed them, but went not in unto them: so they were shut up unto the day of their death, living in widowhood," 2 Sam. xx. 3: he was so agitated by his lascivious thoughts, that he tittered and laughed, and had much ado to refrain from laughing aloud. I now viewed him with indignation; and thought that, if he felt the evil of sin, the wrath of God, and the pains of hell, as I did, he would not trifle thus in the house of God.
My foolish and blind heart had long been swaddled up in the gown and cassock: but these things now and then gave them a rent. However, when the next Lord's Day arrived, I went to hear a clergyman who came from London; and admired every word of his sermon; but never seen a minister with his hair dressed in such a manner in all my life. He is called the macaroni parson in London. I have often seen him in the print shops. Surely there never was one like him before, nor ever will be again, when God has cut him down. In the afternoon I heard him again, and liked him exceedingly; and I went and stood at the outside of the yard gate, along with my fellow servants, intending to have made him a reverend bow, and take an affectionate leave of him. Presently I saw him coming down from the church with a rakish young fellow in his arm; and, when they came up to us, they gave one of my fellow servants a wanton glance, and another such an amorous salutation as old Beau Nash would have given to Kitty Fisher.
I now looked at him with indignation; "Alas!" said I, "where shall we look for Christians, if the clergy are so destitute of Christianity? There goes a man who turns up his eyes to God, and looks and speaks in the pulpit like an angel; and, when out of the church, acts like the priests of Siloe, whom the Holy Ghost styles sons of Belial, or of the devil." This gave the gown and cassock another rent; and I began to pity the cause of God my Maker, on the account of his honor, which they impiously sullied by their wanton conduct.
When the next Lord's Day arrived I went over to Hampton church, where I saw a tall stout young man, with a venerable aspect; one that I had never before seen, and from whom I expected great things. His text was, "Enter into thy closet, and pray to thy Father who seeth in secret." I gave him all the attention I could, in order that I might find out in what way a sinner could be saved. However, it was all in vain, for he could not speak to be heard; and as for prayer, he said nothing about it. He told us that virtue would lead us to prayer and that the Saviour spoke this against the Pharisees, who loved to pray in the markets, &c., and in about twelve minutes he wound up his incoherent odds and ends, and I went out in all the horrors of the damned. As I went along the churchyard I saw the blind guide come laughing out of the church with a pair of wanton lasses, one in each arm. I found my disappointment had wound me up in such anger against him, that I even closed my fist at him, and secretly longed in my mind to give him a drubbing; for I had grown quite desperate. Presently after a couple of reputable men passed by me; and I heard one of them say to the other, "I would sooner by half sit at home and read my Bible, than come to church to hear such a fellow as that, with his nonsense." I was glad to hear the man speak as he did, and thought he was seeking the way to heaven as well as my self, and that he had been disappointed as well as me.
As I went mourning home, it came to my mind that the clergy knew which way God could save sinners, but they would not tell us, lest we should get as wise as themselves - that they had learned the path for themselves, but their keeping us ignorant of it was on purpose to keep us close to the church. These thoughts made me hate them still the more, till I was almost ready to vomit up the gown and cassock entirely. However, the next Lord's day I went over to my old favourite and took my wife with me to the Lord's table. On that day we were entertained with a sermon on charity, about the wonderful feats of that virtue, and of its covering "a multitude of sins." This discourse I liked, as there were some passages of scripture in it. But then there was an impediment laid in my way, which was poverty. Had I possessed the whole world, I would have given it all for one hour's respite from the horrors of hell that I then felt. Charity I found would do wonders: but I had no money to give, therefore I was ready to curse my poverty - and, consequently it led me to envy the rich.
However, I gave all the alms that I could, though I suffered greatly for want of necessaries myself; but this brought no deliverance to my soul; all my guilt, and all my terrors, still continued with me.
And indeed there is no charity that can cover a multitude of sins, but that which is in God, and which he showed when he gave his Son; whose blood cleanses from all sin, and whose righteousness is a covering for all our imperfections.
The next Lord's day I went over to Upper Moulsey church, where there was preaching only once a fortnight, and that happened not to be the day. I therefore set off from thence, and went to Isleworth church; where my ears were charmed with the sound of an organ, which was like singing songs to a heavy heart; however, the minister rather pleased me; his behaviour was becoming the place. He treated largely on the properties of Virtue, but did not trace her to any origin, nor lay her down as a rule supported, by Scripture, to save a sinner: though he spoke much in her praise, yet he never told us whether she was from heaven, or of men. I, therefore, could not get to the bottom of the matter, nor find out who she was; describing her properties was not sufficient: I wanted to know her nativity. If she came from heaven, I thought I would pray for her; if she grew in the hearts of men by nature, then I knew I had no part or lot in the matter.
However, going home pensive and sad, ruminating in my mind what virtue could be, and sinking deeper and deeper in despondency, I came at last into Sir Philip Musgrove's park, where I walked till nearly midnight; and all of a sudden I was enwrapped in all the comforts of hope - I blessed God and wept aloud - I talked with God, and kneeled down and prayed in the pathway, and was as happy as my heart could wish. This continued till I got into my bedroom, where the man had before cut his throat, and then this frame of mind began to wear off a little. However, having got a little book that a person had lent me, which recommended vows to be made to God, I accordingly stripped myself naked, to make a vow to the Almighty, if he would enable me to cast myself upon him. Thus I bound my soul with numerous ties and wept over every part of the written covenant which this book contained. These I read naked on my knees, and vowed to perform all the conditions that were therein proposed. Having made this covenant, I went to bed; wept and prayed the greatest part of the night; and arose in the morning, pregnant with all the wretched resolutions of fallen nature. I now manfully engaged the world, the flesh, and the devil, in my own strength; and I had found myself up with so many promised conditions, that, if I failed in one point, I was gone forever, according to the tenor of my own covenant; provided that God should deal with me according to my sin, and reward me according to mine iniquity.
But before the week was out I broke through all these engagements and fell deeper into the bowels of despair than ever I had been before. And now, seemingly, all was gone - I gave up prayer; and secretly wished to be in hell, that I might know the worst of it, and be delivered from the fear of worse to come, I was now again tempted to believe that there was no God and wished to close in with the temptation and be an established or confirmed atheist; for I knew, if there was a God, that I must be damned; therefore I labored to credit the temptation, and fix it firm in my heart. "But, alas!" said I, "how can I? If I credit this, I must disbelieve my own existence, and dispute myself out of common sense and feeling; for I am in hell already-there is no feeling in hell but I have an earnest or - a hell is a place where mercy never comes; I have a sense of none - it is a separation from God; I am without God in the world' - it is a hopeless state; I have no hope - it is to feel the burden of sin; I am burdened as much as mortal can be - it is to feel the lashes of conscience; I feel them all the day long - it is to be a companion for devils; I am harassed with them from morning till night - it is to meditate distractedly on an endless eternity; I am already engaged in this - it is to sin and rebel against God; I do it perpetually - it is to reflect upon past madness and folly; this is the daily employ of my mind - it is to labor under God's unmixed wrath; this I feel continually - it is to lie under the tormenting secptre of everlasting death; this is already begun. Alas! To believe there is no God, is like persuading myself that I am in a state of annihilation."
Thus, reader, the revealed wrath of God locked me out of that stronghold of the devil, in which, as in a refuge of lies, I fain would have taken shelter. I now began most wretchedly to lament, not only my certain damnation in the world to come, but also that I was rendered incapable of digging a bit of ground, or even of fetching a proper tool for my work. I therefore thought that I must inform my master of it, leave my employ, and advise my wife to seek bread for herself and child; and, as for myself, I would wander about in a starving manner till I was no more; and the sooner I was dead the better, as I then should know the worst of my eternal doom. I labored much at this time to harden myself against fear; but, do what I would, I could not accomplish it. However, on the Lord's day following, I had been appointed to walk with a person to see Lord C__ve's new house, then building at Esher. When I came there I asked the reason why they built the walls so remarkably thick? The person said that several had asked that question as well as me, and had received an astonishing answer from the owner; namely, that their substance was intended to keep the devil out! I replied, that the possession of Satan was the man, not the building; and that the walls would not answer the end.
Hearing something more of the state of the owner's mind, rekindled all my old fire. However, I got some liquor to stifle it for the day. When we returned home, I talked to my companion about religion. He said unto me, "Man can do nothing." "Do nothing!" replied I; "Then why are we commanded to do so much?' "Ah!" said he, "you can do nothing that will please God. I have heard Mr. Whitefield, Mr. Romaine, and all the great men in London; and they tell you plainly that you can do nothing." "Then," said I, "what will become of us?" "Why," said he, "the elect will be saved, and none else." "Then," said I," there is no cause to try for salvation." "No," said he, "you can do nothing if you do." I urged my carnal reasons against this doctrine; but he advanced some scriptures, which cut up all my arguments, root and branch, and stopped my mouth entirely.
The next day I considered this new doctrine of election, which I had never heard of before, except when I had repeated it in the catechism. However, I labored to thrust it out of my mind, but could not. The next Lord's day I went to church; when a very old man, an entire stranger, preached to us: His text was "Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this to visit the fatherless and widows in their afflictions, and to keep himself unspotted from the world," James, i. 27.
Having heard this discourse, I went home and fell to work again with the Whole Duty of Man, and for a few days we kept pace one with another, and agreed tolerably well, but before the week was out we quarreled, and were almost ready to curse one another. The Whole Duty of Man threatened me because I could not deliver the tale of bricks; and I was ready to curse the book for binding grievous burdens on my shoulders, which I could not bear; Matt. xxiii. 4. So the Whole Duty of Man and I fell out and parted; and we have not been friends since; nor do I believe we ever shall, either in this world or in the next. And, as for the covenant book, or the book that recommended vows, I dared not follow its rules anymore, for I had broken through all the bounds which that author had set, and had violated all the "grievousness which he had prescribed," Isa. x. 1.
It happened one Lord's day that I got hold of an Old Common Prayer Book, where I found the articles of the Church of England; which I much wondered at, as I had never seen or heard of them before. I read them with amazement, and in these articles, I found that all the man had said about the election was true. However, I laid the thoughts of that doctrine aside; fearing, if that was true, it would drive me out of my senses at once.
After this I went to Moulsey church, where I had been before; and it happened to be on the day that their minister came. I heard him, but knew neither what he said, nor what he meant: so I went home again, with all my distress and misery, just as I came. This is the state of those who are spiritually poor and needy; as it is written, "When the poor and needy seek water, and there is none, and their tongue faileth for thirst, I the Lord will hear them, I the God of Israel will not forsake them: I will open rivers in high places, and fountains in the midst of the valleys: I will make the wilderness a pool of water, and the dry land springs of water," Isa. xli. 17, 18. And indeed, if the Almighty had not performed this promise, I might have laboured and sought after the way of life till I had fallen into the jaws of everlasting death; for not one minister; out of all that I heard, ever dropped one scriptural hint about the way of salvation by a crucified Saviour. Some talk of giving alms, others of virtue some of keeping constant to the church. But all this will not suffice an alarmed prodigal when the evil arrow of spiritual famine sticks fast in his conscience.
Of all characters under heaven, that of a blind guide appears the most awful. He sends his thousands to the tremendous tribunal of God with his lie in their hand; Isa. xliv. 20; and he follows them, polluted with all their blood. A blind guide is the sinner's scorpion; Rev. ix. 3; the devil's aid-de-camp, that receives and disperses his lies, and encourages sinners in rebellion against the gospel; yea, he is the very tail of the devil, as it is written, "And the prophet that teacheth lies, he is the tail. For the leaders of this people cause them to err, and they that are led of them are destroyed," Isa. ix. 15, 16. The gown and cassock are vain garbs of priestly sanctity to deceive the blind and ignorant, and the forms of prayers are a stock for such to trade with; poor sinners are sold to work wickedness, and tithes and dues are the price of blood. But to return -
I now began to think I had worn out all my patched-up prayers, and therefore endeavored to borrow more books on that subject; but, alas! I could find none that would suit the various breaches of my wounded spirit. I could not help laying another grievous charge against our clergy, because they did not furnish the world with more books of better prayers. I told some of the old people, who went to the Lord's table with me, that the ministers would not tell us which way we could be saved, lest we should be as wise as themselves. "But," said I, "they ought to write more prayers for us;" I added that they should write all sorts of prayers, and then there would be some to suit every inquiring person: for the prayers in the book which I had got did not suit my case, as my wounds lay too deep, and because they were so mingled with vows and resolutions which I dared not make because I could not keep them.
I always found my temptations the strongest after I had made a vow, though I generally found ease while I was making it. I believe Satan has no objection to our binding our souls with vows; for he is sure to take us captive unless free grace enables us to keep them., As I could not find any prayers that would suit me, I generally used to confess my sins to God first, and then conclude my confession with a few unconnected petitions of my own, until I sunk so deep, that for a time I could not pray at all; then I began to bid adieu to all thoughts of mercy and found dreadful rebellion have in my heart. I concluded that I should, ere long, arrive at my dreadful journey's end. And, indeed, I sometimes longed secretly to know the worst of it; for my rationality was so much impaired that I was not capable of doing my business properly, nor even of giving any person (as I have before observed) a rational answer. This caused me to grieve dreadfully about my wife and child, and to think what would become of them. I was sure I should not be able to get my bread long, being too far gone for that; and was fully persuaded that a few weeks more would bring me either to the grave or to the mad-house. I had also been informed that my master had been to the nurseryman from whom I came, to desire him to take me back again. He told Mr. Low that I was in a strange way, and one of the worst-tempered men he ever saw, for he could not get a civil answer from me. And indeed he was right; for my mind was ruminating all day long upon the wrath of God, the torments of hell, the darkness of the place, the fire of it; and my wretched fellow criminals being devils and sinners of mankind. "Black despair," said I, "has no hope; therefore the sinner can find no bottom, and eternity can have no bounds." Then the word of God would come and confirm all my meditations. "A bottomless pit," says the Saviour; and again, "The smoke of their torment shall ascend forever and ever." Meditate when I am about the torments of hell, the scripture would always occur to my mind to confirm it. While this was the employment of my mind I could not give a person a proper answer. If my master asked me anything, I answered him as I did the temptation; and he has had answers from me at times, and gone away before I could recollect myself so as to know who he was.
My wife one night informed me that my mistress had sent for her and that she was to be there the next morning. I longed to know what she could want with her. My dame went to her in the morning and was with her some time, and at noon I inquired of her what the secret could be. She informed me that my mistress received her very courteously, and it was to condole with and pity her hard fate. "Mrs. Huntington," said she, "I pity you; you seem a modest, decent, industrious woman, but your life must be dreadful." "Why, Madam?" said my wife. "Why, you have got so miserable a being for your husband. How can you live with him? I never received such answers from a man in my life, nor did I ever see one of such a temper." "Dear me, Madam," said my wife, "he is a very good husband to me." (I believe she made the most of it.) "I have no cause to complain; I wonder if you should pity me on that account." I said that I thought it appeared very affectionate in my mistress to express such a concern for her happiness. To which she answered, that she colored at her questions, and knew not at first how to answer her; and said she hated her for interfering with us. Why did she not mind her own concerns? What did she meddle with us for? And added, that she would not go nigh her again, for she did not like her.
I was much pleased with my dame's integrity, and I believe the poor blind soul spoke it from her heart. And, indeed, had my wife turned against me in this situation, I could not have borne up under the trial. However, since my wife has known what convictions mean, she has demanded as much patience from me as I did of her.
I now began to be almost sick of going to church, for I could not join in the prayers, except here and there a sentence; and some of the people, appearing so light and trifling in the house of God, used to wound me almost to death. In short, I despaired of ever hearing any minister inform me of the way in which a sinner could be saved; for some cried, "Lo! here;" and others," Lo! there." Their lives, too, appeared as bad, or even worse, than those of the poor people; and, when they were at the desk, they ran through their task as if their souls were on the wheel till they had finished it.
At length I thought I would take to studying my Bible, to see if I could find any instruction there; but my intellect was so much impaired, that I could not reconcile one passage with another; and sometimes I really thought it was written on purpose to puzzle people; for I imagined I could defy all the divines upon earth to make every passage in that book harmonize, so as not to clash with, or contradict each other. Notwithstanding this, I could not deny its divine authority, because my feelings agreed so exactly with all God's threatenings: therefore I knew my condemned soul and God's eternal sentence must stand or fall together. If I could have got rid of my feelings, I should have been a deist at once. But, alas! to attempt to dispute myself out of the belief of the pains of hell, would have been to dispute myself out of the belief of my existence. I might here mention some of the most awful passages of scripture, that bent their force against me: but I forbear, as the work will swell beyond what I first intended.
In my narrow research after truth, the doctrine of eternal election began to appear very plain in the Bible, which led my mind into greater perplexity than ever: read where I would, it still appeared. However, if I found it in the prophets, or in the epistles, I regarded it not; but if it appeared in the four evangelists, then I thought it was Christ's own word, and would certainly stand fast forever. I therefore got my pen, ink, and paper, and was determined to read every book in the Bible carefully, to see if each penman of the scriptures had written respecting this doctrine. This was a hard task for me, as I could not read one chapter with propriety. However, I began; and read through several books, writing down the chapters and verses in which the doctrine of election occurred: and the more I searched after it, the plainer it appeared; for the doctrines of eternal election and absolute predestination seemed to be the principal arteries of that whole body of divinity. However, I fled to the evangelists, in hopes of setting the doctrines of Christ by them, to contradict all the prophets. But, alas! I found Christ preached it more forcibly than all the prophets put together, as appeared in the following scriptures. "Ye are not my sheep," John, x. 26, "You shall seek me, and not find me," John, vii. 34. "I pray not for the world," John, xvii. 9. And he said," Unto you, it is given to know the mysteries of the kingdom of God, but to others in parables." And again," But to them it is not given. I pray for them that thou hast given me. I lay down my life for the sheep," John, x. 15. "All that the Father hath given me shall come to me," John, vi. 37. "I know whom I have chosen," John, xiii. 18. "No man can come to me, except the Father which hath sent me draw him," John, vi. 44. "Many are called, but few chosen," Matt. xx. 16. "And the angels shall gather together his elect from the four winds." And, "of all that the Father hath given me, I shall lose nothing," John, vi. 39. And I saw that the doctrines of predestination and election reflected the tremendous doctrine of reprobation in many passages of scripture.
All these doctrines run through the whole Bible. There are some whom Christ did not redeem; as he declares, "I lay down my life for my sheep; but you are not of my sheep," &e. No; for they had sold themselves to work wickedness. "And the house of such is established in the hands of him that bought it; it is fixed "in a walled city, and shall never go out in the year of jubilee," Lev. xxv. 30.
The renowned offspring for wickedness, springing from mixed marriages in the antediluvian world, selling birthrights in the patriarchal age, the sins of presumption under the law, the great transgressions in prophetic times, amount to the unpardonable sin under the gospel dispensation; and these sinners bear the mark of reprobation; for, if they were elected, they would not be allowed to break through into the hopeless regions; for election guards the Gulph of reprobation, so that neither Abraham nor Lazarus could pass over it. Let men say what they please, "God hath made all things for himself, yea, even the wicked for the day of evil."
These are some of the profound depths and the profound secrets of the Almighty God. But his "secret is with the righteous," Prov. iii. 32; Psal. xxv. 14.
I was then as firmly established in these doctrines as ever I have been since; though, at the same time, I was like to tear my hair and run distracted. And I believe, had I gone to hell in my sin, I should have taken the doctrines of election and reprobation, established in my judgment with me; for the Bible appeared to be full of them. I am persuaded that the devils themselves are not ignorant of these doctrines, as they labor so hard to bring erroneous men to lampoon these awful truths of God. The learned Milton drops some hints of it in his second book Paradise Lost.
PRIVATE"Others apart sat on a hill retired, In thoughts more elevate, and reasoned high Of providence, foreknowledge, will, and fate- Fixed fate, free will, foreknowledge absolute- And found no end, in wandering mazes lost."
I declare I have sometimes trembled when I have heard Arminians ridicule these sublime doctrines; who, with a seared conscience and an impudent heart, have been even laughing at them, and speaking more insolently of God than devils themselves dare to do. However, such never did much business in these deep waters; if they had, they would have learned to tremble at these truths, instead of laughing at them; and also to speak more reverently of the Most High God. I know there never was a man in this world, whom God brought up out of that horrible pit that I was in, with the doctrines of free agency and sinless perfection in his heart. No; these lying vanities may drive us into the horrible deep, as they did Jonah (ch. ii. 8); but, if ever they come out of" the belly of hell" by the power of God's grace, they will pay their vows, and acknowledge (as Jonah did) that "salvation is of the Lord," Jonah, ii. 8, 9.
But the Arminian thinks that God is just like himself and that he will turn and twist like a weeping willow; say and unsay, call us by grace today, and damn us tomorrow. However, I found him to be "of one mind," as Job did, "and none can turn him." As he says, "I am God and change not, therefore ye are not consumed." It appears to me that some heathens have had a stronger confidence in the immutability of devils than some Arminians (whom I have talked with) have in the immutability of the Most High; as my reader will find in the sixth book of Virgil's Aeneid.
This knowledge the heathens got from familiar spirits. And it is a wretched thought that heathens should rebuke some who are called gospel ministers. But no marvel; for God has, ere now, made a "dumb ass forbid the madness of such prophets," 2 Pet. ii. 16.
I believe I shall ever have cause to bless the Almighty for establishing my soul in so regular a manner, by making my spirit feel the impressions of his holiness, justice, immutability, truth, and faithfulness to his word, even before he revealed his dear Son in me; as the Redeemer sweetly declares, "It is written in the prophets, And they shall be all taught of God. Every man therefore that hath heard, and hath learned of the Father, cometh unto me," John, vi. 45.
I had now fresh troubles to encounter; which were, that all my labor, seeking, and praying, were in vain; for, if I was not a chosen vessel, I should never prevail in prayer, nor should I ever overcome my temptations, do what I would. This is the devil's comment on the sweet doctrine of God's eternal election: and I know he is the commentator that the Arminians adhere to even to this day.
I have now brought my reader to the day of jubilee; it was in the winter season, a little before Christmas. My business at that time was pruning the wall trees. I was one day cutting a large pear; and, while standing on the ladder, pensive in thought, and sometimes fretting because there was no deliverance for me from this blasphemous temptation, and with my thoughts all captured and kept in hold under the scepter of eternal death, I said to myself, "O, what a place hell must be! I have already got the earnest of it in my heart. Our clergy will not tell us which way we can be saved, though they know; yea, they must know, because they are learned. All the prayers which I have read will not do, nor do any of the ministers express my case in any of their sermons. The Whole Duty of Man holds forth what I cannot perform; the more I strive against sin, the more violent are my temptations, and the more defiled my heart appears. I strive to be holy, but I cannot. I strive to please God, and to appease his wrath, but in vain. I get worse and worse, and God's displeasure burns the hotter. When I go to church I am only grieved; for the parson longs to finish; some of the people sleep, and some laugh; while some only admire each other's beauty and dress. If I read the Bible I cannot make one part agree with the other; if one passage comes with any encouragement or comfort, another occurs to my mind full fraught with terror and vengeance and cuts all off.. The doctrine of election is dreadful. I have searched it out, and it is a truth; I have tried to write down all the places where it is mentioned, but cannot, for the Bible is full of it. If I am not elected I shall never be saved, do what I will; I will therefore strive no more, but expect the worst; which, ere long, I shall surely know. Oh that I had been upon the earth when the Saviour was! I would have followed him, however, he had used me. But, alas! the Jews were a highly-favored people. O, that I was a Jew! But I am not; I am a Gentile, and I am a sinner!
"I am a singular character. If the report is true, I am a bastard, begotten by another woman's husband, and conceived in the womb of another man's wife. I am the offspring of double adultery! Barnabas Russel was certainly my father; yea, he has owned it; I am his very image, and bear every feature of him; he secretly owned me as his own child; it was he that put me to school; every person in the place of my nativity used to laugh at me, and call me young BARNET. And where is that man of iniquity now, from whom I descended? Where! Why, according to the Common Prayer Book, he must be in hell; for that says, 'Cursed is he that lies with his neighbour's wife.' And God says, 'The whoremonger and adulterer God will judge.' And 'God is not man that he should lie; nor the son of man that he should repent,' Numb. xxiii. 19. Besides, his wretched and miserable end testified against him. He died in the greatest horror, crying out, 'Do what you will to me if you can but save my life.' This my mother owned to me, and she was both an eye and an ear-witness, for she nursed him to the last. But do righteous souls depart out of this world in such horror and despair? No! 'Mark the perfect man, and behold the upright; for the end of that man is peace,' Psalm, xxxvii. 37. And what will become of my poor mother? God only knows; she sticks close to the church and frequents the Lord's table, and yet has lived in adultery for years. Myself and a poor sister are living witnesses of this assertion, and the man has owned that we are both his children. If God's grace prevents not, my progenitors must be punished. And how can their progeny escape? They cannot; for 'A bastard shall not enter into the congregation of the Lord; even to his tenth generation shall he not enter into the congregation of the Lord,' Deut. xxiii. 2. And is hell to be the reception of both progenitors and progeny? I see no way of escape. Oh wretched end! I shall hate them both to all eternity, for being instrumental in sending me into the world as the miserable issue of their lewd embraces; and to all eternity they will hate me as an aggravation of their heinous crimes, and as venom to their sting of guilt.
"My mother's husband (my father that should have been) was a poor, quiet, honest, God-fearing man, who was shut out of his own bed for years by a wretch that defiled both his wife and his bed. I was brought up at his table, though a poor one. I was a deceiver; I called him father when he was not - and he called me son, telling lies innocently. God shall reward his patience, and avenge his wrongs, and we shall pay for all. 'God visiteth the iniquity of the fathers upon the children, even unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate him,'. Exod. xx. 5. And what right have I to bear the name of that pious, injured man? None at all; it has been a dagger in my heart for years. Oh that I was a brute, a reptile, or an insect! Oh that I could sink into nonexistence! Oh, that death temporal could but finish all! But there is 'a day appointed,' and 'God shall judge the world;' then all secret sins shall be brought to light; 'And, if the righteous scarcely be saved, where shall the ungodly and the sinner appear?' Oh that I had but more books of prayers - that I could but find out one prayer that would suit my case! But, alas! my case is singular - I am a bastard Besides, it is of no use to pray - I am not elected; and, if the Bible be true, as my own wretched state witnesseth that it really is, none but the elect of God shall ever be saved; as it is written, "And whosoever was not found written in the book of life was cast into the lake of fire,' Rev. xx. 15. Oh that there was no judgment to come! But I know there is, and final doom fixed; and I shall shortly know the worst of it, for I am almost mad and almost dead!"
I now tried to put election out of my thoughts, but passages of scripture were crowded in by troops. I reasoned against them, but they bore down all my feeble logic, stared me full in the face, and flashed the strongest conviction on my mind.
I am sure that, if all the Arminians under heaven were to unite their forces together, and were to be assisted by all the power and wisdom of devils, in maintaining an impious war against the doctrine of eternal election, that blazing truth would flash in their faces; bear down their confused reasonings; break through all their oppositions; put all their carnal thoughts to flight; and, with the greatest rapidity drive away all the sandy foundations and fleshly bulwarks that the most impious rebels can raise against it. And at times it will give them such lashes of conscience for their pride, as shall even extort a desperate confession from their lips, expressive of the malice in their hearts; insomuch that any discerning Christian may see they are united, in the war of devils, against the sovereignty of the immutable and uncontrollable Jehovah.
I know what caviling at election is - I have been concerned about that work. I know, too, what that impious war is which is carried on against the sovereignty of God - I have been engaged in it. I speak this to my shame. And of this, I am well assured, that God's truth is the shield of every sound Christian, but a dagger in the conscience of everyone who fights against it. However, election is a leading truth; and truth will never strike her banner, turn her back, nor quit the field; she wilt display her flag, maugre all her enemies, and win the field; and that too with eternal triumph.
It is the desire of my soul that that person, whosoever he may be, who takes upon himself, after my decease, to republish any of my writings, should not alter the matter, nor the spirit of this my testimony for God; but that he should leave it as I wrote it, and even under the bad spirit in which some affirm it is written. I am the best judge of where I got it, and how I came by it; and at the day of judgment, it will be known whether it was from heaven, from earth, or from hell.
However, I had rather write the whole counsel of God in a bad spirit, if such a thing is possible, than do as one of my dignified accusers doth; that is, preach one gospel in one chapel, and another gospel in another chapel. One would think that the death of Uzza, the conception of Ishmael, Abraham and Isaac's loss of their wives, and the vain attempt of reconciling Paul and the priest and rulers together, would have been cautions sufficient to have put a final stop to the supposed usefulness of human inventions, as furtherers of God's purposes. I doubt such hearts are not sound in God's statutes because they deal deceitfully in God's covenant. But my prayers shall be, that God would "forgive them, but take vengeance of their inventions," Psal. xcix. 8. But to return -
While I was standing on my ladder, pondering on the doctrine of election; sinking in despondency, or rather despair; wishing for more books of prayers, and fretting because I could get none that would suit my case; behold, suddenly a "great light shined round about me" quick as lightning, and far superior to "the brightness of the sun;" but, whether my bodily eyes saw it or not, I know not; but this I know, that it "shined into my heart," 2 Cor. iv. 6, and it brought, as I thought, all the scriptures that I had read to my remembrance, John, xiv. 2(3; and impressed them, in their spiritual meaning, with uncommon energy on my mind, Jer. xxxi. 33. And there appeared in the vision two straight lines, drawn throughout the whole world; and I know they were God's lines, "fallen to me in pleasant places, for I have a goodly heritage," Psal. xvi. 6. One of these lines consisted of commandments, conditional promises, threatenings, and curses; and these belonged to the wicked - they are their portion from God, Job, xx. 29; and the curses from Mount Ebal, Deut. xxvii. 13. The other line was unconditional promises, and sweet invitations from Christ, and these belong to God's elect. And the human race was divided into two classes, in the open vision, all arranged before the eyes of my mind; and there was no more. The one is "the line of confusion," Isa. xxxiv. 11; the other, "the line of inheritance," Psal. lxxviii. 55. All this was done in a minute. The plan is still on my mind, and will ever remain there, and is scriptural; as it is written, "Even with two lines measured he to put to death, and with one full line to keep alive," 2 Sam. viii. 2. These are God's lines, and agree with his curse from Ebal and his blessing from Gerazim; and these were the two lines which the apostles were sent to stretch out; Psal. xix. 4; 2 Cor. x. 16.
All my thoughts were taken up in pondering over the plan of these two covenants, and the two classes of people that were under them; and one of these cords must be stretched out to reach every stake of the tabernacle; Isa. liv. 2. I was as though I had been enwrapped in the full blaze of the sun- beams. My hair stood upright, and my blood rankled in my veins, for fear this was to bring me to my dreadful and long-expected end; for I knew not as yet which class I was to die a member of, not being pardoned. Thus Paul was enlightened with the light that shined round about him (to which vision I have often compared mine); but it was three days after the light shined that he received the Holy Ghost in that powerful manner, as you read in the ninth chapter of the Acts.
I now came down from my ladder and stood looking this way and that, but could see nothing, except the vision. I cried out, "What is it? What is it? What is it?" fearing it was something to bring me to my end, and that I should have no part in that sweet line of promises and invitations which I saw belonged to the elect, who are emphatically styled heirs of the promise. Immediately I heard a voice from heaven, saying unto me in plain words, "LAYBY YOUR FORMS OF PRAYERS, AND GO PRAY TO JESUS CHRIST; DO NOT YOU SEE HOW PITIFULLY HE SPEAKS TO SINNERS?" These are the words verbatim, for I think that I shall never forget them.
"I was not disobedient to the heavenly vision," but went to my little tool-house to pray; yet I cannot remember that I had at that time any faith in the Saviour or expectation of being heard or answered - to all appearance I was sunk too low for that. I rather thought this vision was to bring me to my final end. Therefore I trembled in myself, and was almost desperate, fearing that I should shortly sink under that awful line of dreadful threatenings and curses.
When I came into my little tool house, to the best of my remembrance, I did as I usually had done; that is, I pulled off my blue apron, and covered my head and face with it; for I was like the poor publican, I could not even look up to God - I was afraid he would damn me if I offered to do it.
I kneeled down and began to pray extempore, in the language of one desperate, precisely thus - "Oh Lord, I am a sinner, and thou knowest it. I have tried to make myself better, but cannot. If there is any way left in which thou canst save me, do thou save me; if not, I must be damned, for I cannot try anymore, nor won't."
The very moment the last sentence had dropped from my lips, "the spirit of grace and of supplication was poured into my soul," Zec. xii. 10; and "I forthwith spake as the Spirit gave me utterance," Acts, it. 4. I immediately prayed with such energy, eloquence, fluency, boldness, and familiarity, that quite astonished me: as much as though I should now suddenly speak Arabic, a language that I never learned a syllable of. And the blessed Spirit of God poured the sweet promises into my heart, from all parts of the scriptures, in a powerful manner; and helped my infirmities greatly, by furnishing my faltering tongue with words to plead prevalently with God. Yea, that blessed Spirit enabled me to compass the Almighty about with his own promises; which were so suitable to my case, that his blessed Majesty could not get out of his own bonds. It came to pass that, after I had been wrestling in this manner for about the space of a quarter of an hour, behold, Jesus Christ appeared to me in a most glorious and conspicuous manner, with all his body stained with blood! He appeared in his aspect as one greatly dishonoured and much abused, and yet inclined to pity me. I turned my eyes from him, but he pursued me, and was still before me. I fell to the ground, and laid on my face, but could not shun the sight. I never before saw sin in such a light as I then did.
In the light of the law God appears dreadful to us: for as the law discovers nothing but sin, and the wrath of God against sin, the Lawgiver appears an enemy to us; which fills us with tormenting fear; and, as we expect no mercy from him, we naturally hate him. The law reveals no pity, we are moved with self-pity: thus sinful self becomes the object of pity, and the carnal mind shows her enmity even against God, Rom. viii. 7. But the sight and sense of sin, which I had in the sight of a slaughtered Saviour, filled my soul with indignation against myself and my sin; and caused my bowels to sound with unutterable love, pity, and compassion, towards my highly-injured God and Saviour. My murmuring was completely slain at once, and I cried out, "Oh I cannot bear it? Oh, send me to hell, to my own place, for I deserve it! I cannot, I will not complain. Oh, send me to hell! I did not know till now that I had been sinning against thy wounds and blood! I did not know that thou hadst suffered thus for wretched me! I did not know till now that I had any concern in crucifying thee! I cannot beg mercy of my suffering Lord and Saviour. No; send me to hell, for I deserve it. Oh, I will never complain, for I know that my complaining would be unjust!"
The more I strove to avoid him, the nearer he approached, the vision opened brighter and brighter, and the deeper impression was made upon my mind: and the more I condemned myself and tried to creep into darkness from his sight, the more he smiled upon me, and the more he melted, renewed, and comforted my soul. When I found I could not shun him, nor shut out his dissolving beams, I arose from the ground and went into the garden. Here I found that all my temptations were fled; my hard thoughts of God, and the dreadful ideas I had of him in his righteous law, were dissipated; my sins, which had stood before me during so many months, with their ghastly and formidable appearance, had spread their wings and taken flight, as far from me "as the east is from the west," so that no bird remained upon the sacrifice. My darkness was dispelled by the rays of "the sun of righteousness;" and life and immortality appeared in such a glorious point of view, that I swooned in the soul-renewing and soul-transporting flames of everlasting love! All the horrors of the damned, and meditations upon their irrevocable doom, vanished; confusion and despair sunk into oblivion; the self-existent Jehovah, the God of armies, had put all to flight, and kept both throne and field alone, waving the banner of eternal love. The reprobate and the awful lines of threaten lugs were all set at the foot of the mount, and I was brought under the covenant line of God's elect; while the unconditional promises of an everlasting gospel stood as numerous as the leaves in autumn to secure my interest in a finished salvation. My thoughts were sweetly established; my heart was firmly fixed; my mind was serenely composed; my doubts and fears finally fled; my conscience appeared a mysterious principality, divinely governed by the Prince of peace; my affections were rapturously inflamed; my will sweetly be resigned; and Grace, with all her comforting operations, swaying her uncontrollable scepter over every faculty of my soul. Thus sin, Satan, death, destruction, horror, despair, unbelief, confusion, and distraction, struck their flags; and were routed, vanquished, and slain, before the triumphant Redeemer's divine artillery, displayed from that wonderful armory, the mystery of the cross, where God and sinners meet.
I went into the tool-house in all the agonies of the damned and returned with the kingdom of God established in my heart. Oh, happy year! happy day! blessed minute! sacred spot? Yea, rather blessed be my dear Redeemer, who "delivered my soul from death, mine eyes from tears, and my feet from falling."
I now went and tried to work, but could not; for I had not a thought at my command, nor an affection but what was in heaven' nor was it in my power to recall them from thence, for my heart was where my treasure was; Matt. vi. 21. I went to my tool house to fetch a tool; but before I reached the spot forgot what I wanted. I stood trembling, laughing, crying, and rejoicing; and saying, "What do I want? What do I want?" But could not recollect which tool I wanted. So I went back again
to my work, and stood looking at it; but my soul was fled to her own mansion, and the poor gardener was left alone. As I could do nothing without her, I was just like a mere machine without wheels. After I had stood considering a long time, I thought it was a hoe that I wanted; then I ran to my tool- house, crying out all the way "Hoe, hoe, hoe, hoe,;" but, before I could reach the tool-house, my thoughts and the hoe were fled together. I then went back a second time and stood looking at my work, laughing and crying aloud for joy. When I was able to consider a little, I remembered that it was a rake I wanted. Then I set off again, as fast as I could walk, to my tool-house, crying out, "Rake, rake, rake, rake;" but, before I could get to my journey's end, the thought of the rake went after the hoe, so that I could get neither of them. I was like poor Peter, when he said, "It is good to be here," but knew not what he said. I went back the third time and gave up all hopes of being able to work. And I considered with myself what I should do in this case. If I did not work, I could not with conscience receive my wages; and, if I received no pay, my wife and children must suffer for want of bread. As for myself, I regarded not food; nor do I believe I should have felt the want of it, had I starved to death.
However, all my efforts to work would not do; Jesus Christ came - it was the year of jubilee with me - and the earth must bring forth of herself, for I could not till the ground. The servant was now freed from his master, and my "hands were delivered from the pots;" my soul had got on the wings of a dove and had fled to keep holy day, and I was determined to keep holy day also. I therefore left the garden, and went to Sunbury common, where I could walk as many miles as I pleased without being molested; and there I blessed and praised God with a loud voice, without anybody listening to the glorious converse which I held with my dear Redeemer.
When I came there I was amazed; for the whole creation appeared in such divine embroidery as I had never before seen. "The glory of God covered the heavens, and the earth was full of his praise," Hab. iii. 3. Indeed I could not compare myself to anything, unless it was to one who had been shut up in a dark cell, from the moment of his birth, till he arrived at the age or twenty or thirty years, and then was turned into the world on a glorious sun-shiny day, and placed on an eminence, where he could survey the greatest part of the world at one view.
I now saw the wisdom of God in everything, even from the canopy of the heavens down to the smallest insect. His omnipotence appeared in framing and supporting the world, and all the various tribes that inhabit it. His faithfulness shone sweetly in accomplishing his promise to Noah; as it is written, "While the earth remaineth, seed time and harvest, and cold and heat, and summer and winter, and day and night, shall not cease," Gen. viii. 22. His omniscience and wisdom were displayed in the government of a world, so confused and disordered by sin. In short, everything conspired to make my soul happy, to engage my thoughts, employ my mind, and attract my warmest affections to the divine Fabricator and universal Ruler.
I kneeled down, and begged of my Saviour to let me die: I earnestly entreated him to take me to himself, lest I should be left to sin again. But in this, I could not prevail.
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