My fellow workmen perceived me to sit silent at the pay table, while they were so jovial, and finding that I would not join with them for liquor when at work, they suspected I had caught a religious infection.
For a while they suspected me to be a methodist; but, finding I never went to the meeting, and that, in every argument with them, I pleaded for the church, their suspicion was, that I wanted to be better than other people, and to be more religious than was required of those who belonged to the church of England.
Having, as I thought, patched up a tolerable religion, and redeemed a deal of lost time by labour, I began to be lifted up m my own mind and to be filled with a vain conceit of my own righteousness. Finding my zeal and diligence to continue, and from my being now habituated to this religious course of life, I began to have a very high opinion of my religion and to judge myself righteous and despise others. Indeed the language of my heart to most people was, "Stand by thyself, come not near unto me, "for I am holier than thou," Isa. lxv. 5.
However, God permitted me to make several private slips in this religious way of life, which brought fresh guilt to my conscience. This sting induced me to examine a little the root of my religion, and I found that I had no love for God in it; but that it was merely to pacify my conscience, escape the
torments of hell, and "to appear righteous before men." While I was perplexed by these thoughts, this was secretly suggested to my mind - "Suppose you could continue this course of religion till the time of your death, you can only rub off as you go; and hardly that; for you offend daily, in thought, word, and deed; and what is to become of all that black scroll that is behind?" I found the more I meditated on these things, the deeper I sunk in distress; therefore I tried to ease it from me, not liking to come to book. This put me a little out of conceit with my own righteousness; I thought there was something yet wanting on that head; and, conscience lashing me within for past offenses, as well as for present blots, stopped me from boasting, and showed me a little of the hypocrisy of my own heart; - "God beholds the proud afar off; and those that walk in pride he is able to debase," Dan. iv. 37.
I am now going to relate what I am almost ashamed of; but still, I am determined to let my reader see the sable, as well as the shining side of the narrative.
It was now toward the spring of the year, and I was extremely poor. My pay being very small, and lodgings very dear, I bid much-a-do to live, and keep my family decent and fit to appear at church. It fell out that I had bought a piece of bacon, which had entirely emptied my pocket; so that, though I wanted some vegetables to dress with it, I could not purchase any. I was therefore determined to go into a field belonging to my master, in order to steal some turnip-tops to boil with my bacon. I knew my fellow workmen had asked of my master, and he had granted them leave to get what they chose, but I had not asked for leave, therefore my getting them was a theft. However, I went to the field; but, while getting over the gate, I was arrested in a most violent manner by my own conscience. I think an army of soldiers could not have stopped me more forcibly than the voice of God's vicegerent within. Indeed I seemed as if I had been taken in a snare. I had no power to
move for many minutes. I cried out, "What is it? what is it?" The answer was, "Thou shalt not steal." I replied, "My master gave leave to the men to get some vegetables." The answer came again, "You have not asked to leave." I looked about me, to see if I could discern anybody speaking; but there was nobody; the voice came from within. I sat and reasoned a great while, and was still answered; however, I saw nobody. I thought it could be no great crime, therefore I was determined to get them and accordingly went into the field; but was again rebuffed by the same powerful opposition of my own conscience, which drove me back again to the gate. I now stood and reasoned with myself what this voice and power could be. Whether it was my conscience, or what, I could not tell; but certainly conscience had a hand in it. However, I was resolutely bent upon having the spoil; therefore I said I would inform my master of it the day following, Never was any poor creature more harassed than I was while stealing these things of so little value I was obliged to gather them as fast as possible, and keep answering the voice, "I will acquaint my master of it, I will acquaint, &c &c." and thou ran off as fast as possible. However, I never did acquaint him. Thus a man's own sin finds him out; Numb. xxxii. 23; or, as Bildad says, "The steps of his strength shall be straitened, and his own counsel shall east him down. For he is cast into a net by his own feet, and he walketh upon a snare. The gin shall take him by the heel, the snare is set for him in the ground, and a trap for him in the way. Terrors shall make him afraid on every side and shall drive him to his feet," Job, xviii. 7-11.
Indeed extreme poverty is a snare to man, as well as the abundance of wealth. This, I believe, the pious Agur found, and therefore prayed to be led between the two extremes; - "Give me neither poverty, nor riches; feed me with food convenient for me; lest I be full and deny thee, and say, Who is the Lord? or test I be poor and steal, and take the name of my God in vain," Prov. xxx. 8, 9.
I had very sharp work to settle these matters with my conscience; it cost me many a secret groan, and discovered to me much of my own weakness afterwards: but I labored harder to rub it off, as I thought, in my old way of working; for I knew nothing of God's method of saving sinners freely by grace, therefore all my labor was but in vain; as it is written, "Can the Ethiopian change his skin, or the leopard his spots? Then may ye also do good that are accustomed to do evil," Jer. xiii. 23.
Having gone on many months with this legal yoke on my neck, laboring in my own strength, and drawing all my hopes of heaven from the law of Moses, which is "the ministration of death and condemnation," 9 Cor. iii. 9, it pleased God to strip me of all this self-sufficiency and legal hope in a very astonishing manner; for it came to pass one evening, as I was sitting by the fireside reading my Bible, I came to these words, "At that day ye shall know that I am in my Father, and ye in me, and I in you," John, xiv. 20.
As soon as I had read these words, I began to consider them. "Ye in me, and I in you! "Alas! (said I) what does that mean? I am wrong; my religion is little worth; I know nothing what these words mean; there is something of a secrecy between Christ and those that he will save, that I am yet ignorant of." While I was thus musing, behold all the sins that I had ever been guilty of came up fresh on my mind, in all their deformity and malignant appearance, and stood arranged before my mind; even all my crimes from my childhood: so that I possessed "the iniquity of my youth," Job, xiii. 26.
Seeing my sins in such a dreadful light, I began to have fearful apprehensions of God's awful displeasure; and immediately such an intolerable flood of divine wrath was poured forth on my guilty soul, that it swept away all my refuge of lies, Isa. xxviii. 17. This removed all my false hope, drove away all my
vain props, and left me without one particle of that sandy foundation which I had laid for myself to stand upon; and down I went into "the deep waters, where there was no standing, so that the floods overflowed me," Ps. lxix. 2; and I feared "the pit would shut her mouth upon me," Is. lxix. 15.
This wrath being so forcibly revealed against me, I began to have very hard thoughts of the Most High; and, what is still worse, a mortal hatred to him, Rom. viii. 7. And immediately the devil was let loose upon me, and violently tempted me to blaspheme and curse the Almighty to his face.
I leaped up, with my eyes ready to start out of my head, my hair standing erect, and my countenance stained with all the horrible gloom and dismay of the damned. I cried out to my wife, and said, "Molly, I am undone forever; I am lost and gone; there is no hope nor mercy for me; you know not what a sinner I am; you know not where I am, nor what I feel!" She seemed amazed at my appearance, asked what was the matter, and endeavoured to comfort me, but all in vain; for the very name of mercy is but an aggravation of man's misery when all hope in God is dead.
I went to bed and lay down in sorrow, but there was no rest for me. I thought the bed, the room, yea and everything else, was running round; and my soul was sinking so fast under the wrath of God, that it was as if I fell a thousand fathoms a minute. I dared not sleep; for if I did, I thought, like the rich feel," In hell I should lift up my eyes," for I was already in torment.
At two or three o'clock in the morning I rose up and went downstairs, kneeled down to read the Bible, and attempted to pray; but oh I that horrid blasphemous temptation, to blaspheme the Most High, so foiled me, that I dared not look up. I could only confess my sin, but could not say, "God be merciful to me, a sinner." I went to work with my head swimming and legs
staggering, like a drunken man; and, when I get on Hampton- Wick Green, I stood and viewed the horses, bullocks, and asses, and envied their happy state. "Ah, I" said I, "you have no sin to answer for; no judgment-seat to appear before; no wrath from God to feel; no hell to fear! When you die, there is an end of you; but eternity is our lot! Oh that I could die like you, and be no more! Oh that I was but in the place of the worst of you! But I am a man and a sinner, and hell aims at sinners!"
O wretched state! Look which way I would, "my sin was ever before me," Ps. li. 3; and "my secret sins were set in the light of God's countenance," Ps. xc. 8. Within me there was the "sting of death," I Cor. xv. 56; a guilty conscience - the worm that never dies, Isa. lxvi. 24; Mark, ix. 44, still gnawing and feeding on my withered spirits. This made the leaf of my profession to wither, and my untimely fruit to fall like that of the olive. The thoughts of God's damning me filled me with hard thoughts of him and even hatred of him. I felt the arrows of his wrath already within me, Job, vi. 4; Ps. xxxvili. 2: and I knew God had thrust me down, Job, xxxii. 13. I fain would have fled out of his hand, Job, xxvii. 22, but could not. If I offered to pray, I was tempted to blaspheme; and that stopped the mouth of prayer. If I attempted to look up to God, my conscience smote me, and the heavens appeared to be iron, and the earth brass, Lev. xxvi. 19: so that my thoughts could not fly with hope to God, nor could the earth hide me from his presence. Eternity I knew had no end; and hell I found, by my sinking in despair, had no bottom. The unfathomable abyss of eternity affords no anchorage, and the impassable gulf of God's fixed decree allows no vessel of wrath, fitted for destruction, ever to pass to the haven of rest, Luke, xvi 26; or make any other land or port whatsoever. Oh, what a profound deep! what a perilous navigation!
"Alas!" said I, "When I appear before him 'my own mouth shall condemn me,' Job, ix. 20. If I could get above him, I cannot: he is the Most High, and cannot be matched. 'If I speak of strength, lo, he is strong; and it of judgment, who shall set me a time to plead?' Job, xix. 9. 'He is of one mind, and none can turn him,' Job, xxiii. 19. He is holy, and the guilty cannot approach him. He is light, and that discovers my sin: therefore I hate it, for 'he has set them in the light of his countenance,' Ps. xc. 8. He has often warned me, and I persisted; my conscience has checked me, and I opposed it with violence. He has brought me to death's door by sickness, and I vowed to him what I would do if he raised me up. He did so but I broke all my vows. His patience is tired out. The verdict of my own thoughts casts me, Rom ii. 15. My own heart condemns me, I John, iii. 20. the curse of God is in my tabernacle, Prov. iii. 33; 'the wrath of God abideth on me,' John, iii. 36; the door of mercy is shut against me; and 'broad is the road, and wide the gate, that leads to destruction, and many go in thereat.' Oh that I had never been born! Job, iii. 10. Oh that no eye had ever seen me! Wherefore came I out of my mother's womb to see trouble? Oh that there was no hell, no judgment to come, no God, no hereafter!" Indeed I experienced these words effectually, "Thine heart shall meditate terror," Isa. xxxiii. 18.
This is "stumbling upon the dark mountains," Jer. xlii. 16; this is sitting "in the regions of the shadow of death," Matt. iv. 16; this is the horrible pit, and this is the miry clay, Ps. xl. 2; these are the "deep waters where there is no standing," Ps. lxlx. 1, 2; this is "deep calling unto deep, at the noise of his waterspouts," while they are bursting and discharging their vengeance on the vessels of wrath, till "both waves and billows go over," Ps. xlii. 7. This is "God's shutting up a man, and there can be no opening," Job, xii. 14.. This is the employ of the damned, Isa. viii. 21, 22; "the chambers of death," Prov. vii. 27; the experience of devils, Matt. xii. 43; the gloomy land of darkness, without form or order, and the pains of hell, Ps. cxvi. 3; while the soul is harassed with the infernal intercourse and familiarity of devils, and your constant visitors and chief "guests are in the depths of hell," Prov. ix. 18.
No sinless perfection can live here; no Atheism can live here; no Deism, nor Arianism, can ever flourish here. No; those principles can only flourish upon the hard soil of a benumbed conscience, sacred with a hot iron, and kept hard by the perpetual industry of the devil, and the assistance of wicked company. But, whenever God awakens such a conscience, by letting his burning wrath into it, all those principles wither and die, both root and branch!
Oh how wretched the thought, that such principles should grow and flourish in the minds of men, that never yet struck one root in the minds of devils! and that men should labor to propagate such a nursery for Satan in a land of hope, and under the sunshine of mercy, that never could be found in the regions even of the damned! But why do I wonder about this? The reason is plain; the devil sends them all here because he cannot make them grow in hell.
Here I was violently tempted to put an end to my existence, and to throw myself into the Thames. Long was I tempted to commit this rash act, and at times gathered comfort from the thoughts of it; but the consideration of guilt and wrath pursuing me beyond the grave often prevailed with me under that temptation. Oh, the subtlety of this 'old serpent! He even tempted the dear Redeemer to self-murder, by wanting him to throw himself down from one of the pinnacles of the temple.
As for that wretched temptation - to curse all that was good - that constantly followed me; nor do I believe I was one hour free from it, unless when I was asleep, during fourteen months together. I believe pious Job labored under this for many years, as appears by his suspicion of his children having been tempted to do it; as it is written, "And he rose up early in the
morning, and offered burnt offerings according to the number of [ them all; for Job said, It may be that my sons have sinned, and cursed God in their hearts. Thus did Job continually," Job, i. 5. This was the main point that the devil labored to gain with Job when he accused him to God: "But put forth thine hand now, saith he, and touch all that he hath, and he will curse thee to thy face," Job, i. 11. And again the second time: "But put forth thine hand now, and touch his bone and his flesh, and he will curse thee to thy face," Job, ii. 5. And I am sure he would have done it, had not the Almighty been "the shield of his help," Deut. xxxiii. 29; for there is no other shield, but a bleeding Saviour, that can "quench the fiery darts of the wicked," Eph. vi. 16. However, Satan left no stone unturned; he made Job's wife his engine for mischief: "Then said his wife unto him, Dost thou still retain thine integrity? Curse God, and die," Job, ii. 9.
This also was Paul's "thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan sent to buffet him," 2 Cor. xii. 7; as may be gathered from thorns being a badge of the curse which sin brought upon the earth, Gen. iii. 18; and from the parable of the thorny-ground hearers, Matt xiii. 7; and of Paul's comment on it, "But that which beareth thorns lot [of covetousness] and briars is nigh unto cursing, whose end is to be burned," Heb. vi. 8.
I believe Solomon was no stranger to this temptation, by his leaving that caution upon record, "Curse, not the king, no not in thy thought; and curse not the rich in thy bed-chamber; for a bird of the air shall carry the voice, and that which hath wings shall tell the matter," Eccl. x. 20.
Satan soon filled Peter's mouth with oaths and curses, when he had got him to sift; and he would have gone farther if the Saviour had not propped him up with his prayer, that his faith might not fail.
I believe this work of cursing to be the employment of all in hell, both devils and men, as it is the just sentence of God's righteous law; therefore I believe that those who in hell suffer under it, are perpetually spitting it in the face of that righteous Judge who passed the sentence on them. And therefore Satan labors to get poor sinners to begin with it here, thinking that when he has done this, he has gained his end.
God having cursed the serpent, or Satan (the king of all the rest of the apostate spirits, he is the grand criminal on whom the sentence lighted), and through him, God's sentence having fallen on all his political body, who are under him as their head; they, laboring under this curse, or just sentence, strive to tempt many poor sinners to throw that curse at the just Judge, who passed that sentence, and fixed Satan's eternal doom at the tribunal erected in Eden. "But God is faithful, who will not suffer us to be tempted above that we are able; but will with the temptation (mark that! with the temptation) also make a way to escape, that we may be able to bear it." O sweet and comfortable promise!
Having waded some weeks under this burden of guilt and wrath; being pursued with the fears of death and judgment, till my strength was almost exhausted; being terrified, too, almost to distraction, and fearing lest I should one day or other open my mouth, and let that horrid blasphemy escape my lips in some unguarded moment; it pleased my most gracious Lord to give me a little encouragement.
Going one morning to my labor, groaning under the perilous state that my soul was in, and I think as completely miserable as any mortal could be and live, it came suddenly into my mind, "I wonder In what part of the world Jesus Christ was born;" though at that time I had no more knowledge of him, who he was, or what he came to do, than one of the Arabs in the deserts of Arabia; for I had always attended the church of
England, where we hear nothing about Christ, in the pulpits, till they conclude, when they generally lug him in as a fag end to their little better than heathen morality. However, I was wondering where he was born, and it came into my mind that he was born in the east; because our clergy turn their faces to the east when they read their creeds. I then looked from point to point eastward; determined to be sure to dart my eyes, if possible, straight to the spot, if I darted them slowly around two quarters.
However, when my eyes came to the sun, which had then just risen above the hills, I felt such a love and spirit of meekness flow into my soul, from the thoughts of Christ's name and birth, as I never had felt before. It so filled my heart, that I was like a bottle that had no vent, Job, xxxii. 19, and I could not contain myself. I burst out and wept so loud, that I believe a person might have heard me at the distance of twenty or thirty rods. And, although I had at that time no idea what Christ came to do, or what he died for, I had an amazing sense of his sufferings in my heart, which filled me with love for him; and I pitied him in my soul, and found a great dislike to the Jews for using him so cruelly: still, however, I remained profoundly ignorant of the benefits of his cross.
As the spouse says "his name is as ointment poured forth," Song, i. 3, so I found it. What then must the fellowship of his sufferings, and the sweet fellowship of his resurrection be? Phil. iii. 10.
While I stood thus melting, mourning, and weeping, over the birth, name, and sufferings, of the Saviour, I heard a voice saying unto me, "He that overcometh shall inherit all things," Rev. xxi. 7. Whether these words were in the Bible or not, at that time I did not know. I inquired of several persons, but none could inform me. However, at length I found them out; but it was even some months after they had spoken to me.
But to return; I went to my work, strongly convinced that God had a love for me: yea, for several days together I had such a humbling sense of his loving-kindness, that I was sure he was with me, go wherever I would; and so strongly persuaded was I of his eternal affection to my soul, that I was sure neither men nor devils could possibly hurt me, any more than they could hurt the apple of God's eye, Zech. ii. 8.
This caused me to go melting in my soul, and weeping and praying, all the day long, under the sweet influence of such unmerited love, that flowed in to dissolve so hard and so impenitent a heart as mine.
The temptation, however, had not left me. I still had the thorn in my flesh, or the devil's curses darting from his stronghold, which is the old man of sin, the flesh, or the natural corruption of the heart; that is the devil's own garrison. This messenger of Satan buffetted me perpetually from that fort. But all this while, as the presence of the Lord was with me, it lost its usual force; it was like storming a stronghold with bladders; or, as Paul says "God's grace was sufficient," though the thorn was not taken away, 2 Cor. xii. 7, 9. And in this situation, he could glory, even in the midst of his infirmities, under the influence of sovereign grace.
When the following sabbath arrived I went to Kingston church, as usual. After the sermon there was an anthem sung, which concluded with the word Hallelujah, in a very pleasing manner; and was repeated often by each part and party. While they were singing this anthem I was enrapt in such a glorious frame of soul as I never before felt; whether I was in the body or out of the body, for a few minutes, I could scarcely tell; but blessed be God, I have enjoyed much of the same sort since, and I know now that it came from God. It was some of the good old wine; that I found when the Lord sent me a little of it the second time. I believe I shall never desire new, for I am certain "the old is better," Luke v. 39.
After this (never-to-be-forgotten) sabbath was over, I was shortly stripped of all joy, meekness, hope, and help; and left to sink again into the deep and gloomy regions of horror, and the blasphemous temptation pursued me with more violence than ever. To make my case the more desperate, I was violently tempted to believe that there was no God. Having been a little indulged with the comforts and joys of hope before this storm appeared, it was rendered more aggravating and violent than ever. However, I read my Bible and prayed to God day and night. But what made my cause still more desperate, two passages of scripture were brought to my mind with all their cutting energy and power. One was, "But I say unto you, that every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give an account thereof in the day of judgment," Matt. xii. 36; the other was, "We know that whosoever is born of God sinneth not," I John v. 18.
These passages snapped my cable, and drove me apparently from all anchorage in God; and, finding my hope removed, I was forced into all the billows of wrath, temptation, corruption, distress, horror, and despondency, that any mortal could possibly be in. This drove me to my wig's end. I was now again tempted to end the strife by leaping into the Thames, and so putting a period to my own existence: still, however, God prevented me.
I felt those distresses the keener from the circumstance of my having a strong faith in the justice of God. I was sure that he must be faithful to his threatenings, or cease to be truth, and consequently cease to be God. And, though I had been much comforted before in my own soul, yet I had no light nor judgment in the word of God; nor was I able to understand
any passages but those which leveled their force and just sentences at me for sin.
Again this temptation recurred; that there was no God, nor any judgment to come; and that the holy Bible was false, therefore I had no occasion to "tremble at the word," Psal. xiv. 1. These temptations being suitable to my wishes, I labored hard to credit them, and to persuade myself there were none: yea, I wished in my heart that these suggestions were true; for then I should end in annihilation, and, like the happy brute, be no more.
But I could gain no safety there, though I fain would; for the storm of God's wrath soon drove me from those moorings; therefore I know that Atheism and Deism cannot live in an awakened soul, even in this life; and, if a man "lifts up his eyes in hell," he will soon see a just God, and feel the torments of his wrath too, and that will destroy all his Atheism at once; for he may as soon persuade himself out of a sense of his punishment, as out of the existence of the just punisher.
In this deplorable state, I knew not where to go. I was poor, and obliged to work hard, though I had hard work enough within; and these violent blasphemous suggestions I feared would one day or other break loose, and that then I should be dispatched immediately from the land of the living. And, indeed, it certainly would have so happened, had not the Almighty "set a watch before my mouth," and by his own power "kept the door of my lips," Psal. cxli. 3.
The enemy of my soul now tried another scheme, as that of Atheism had failed; which was, that the Almighty now intended to entangle me in my own confessions, and convict me from my own words. And he took a very suitable opportunity for assailing me with this temptation; which was when I was meditating on the power I had lately felt, and wondering why the Most High should give me much sweet
felicity of soul for a time; and, after being indulged with that sweet consolation, leave me a second time in the hand of my tormentor, who labored so hard to bring me to sin against him with so high a hand, and at a time when I was so desirous of serving him with a pure heart and with a willing mind.
The tempter suggested to me, in answer to this, that it was done in order to extort confessions from me, that God might, as it were, take advantage of them; and, agreeable to his own words, "Judge me as a wicked servant out of my own mouth," Luke, xix. 22.
Oh, how does that infernal being hate, oppose, reproach, and belie, the ever-blessed, ever-loving, and ever-propitious" Father of all mercies, and God of all comfort!" 2 Cot. i. 3. But, in opposition to the accuser, the Lord made good his promise, that the gates of hell should not prevail; which words I believe mean the infernal council of devils; as causes were in former times heard and tried, councils held, and matters settled, at the city gates, by the elders, in some parts of the Jewish nation; as appears in Ruth, iv. l, 2.
However, the ever-blessed Lord brought his promise afresh to my mind again one day as I was at my labour "He that overcometh shall inherit all things." And it was impressed powerfully on my mind, that this was the battle that I was to fight, and in which I must overcome if I inherited all things; but, if I lost this field, then all was lost forever, as my poor distracted mind conjectured. Upon this I was contriving what method to adopt, in order to overcome in this battle; and it was suddenly brought to my mind that I should bless the name of the Lord every time the fiery dart came, and continue to pray both days and night.
I immediately began blessing the name of the Lord, and this temptation began to come faster, and with more violence than ever; sometimes four or five times in a minute, for days and
months together; but still I repeated, as fast as I could speak, "Blessed be the name of the Lord, blessed," &c. and kept shaking my head, for fear I should listen to it and mutter it out unawares. I have been sometimes harassed in this manner till I have been quite weary, and almost senseless; and so far gone as not to be able to give any person a reasonable answer, nor even to conceive aright what I was about. My fellow workmen, seeing me perpetually in motion, and my lips muttering, concluded that I was mad, and dealt with me accordingly.
I now found that my rationality was sometimes amazingly impaired, insomuch that I was hardly capable either of labor or conversation. At times I was so sorely tried, that I was afraid I should begin to tear my hair, cry out aloud, and run distracted; but I thought if I did I should run mad immediately, and then all would be lost. I perceived this to be the enemy's aim; first to impair my faculties, and then he could make me curse and swear as he pleased; but, in opposition to this, I perpetually prayed and blessed the name of the Lord; and still was insensibly supported by my gracious God in this doubtful engagement.
When we are baptized in the established church, they" sign us with the sign of Christ's cross, in token thereafter that we should not be ashamed to confess the faith of Christ crucified; but that we should manfully fight under his banner against the world, the flesh, and the devil;" but I never knew what this meant till that period.
I have sometimes thought that my mind would not, in every sense of the word, have been so much harassed if I really had been in hell; because, when sin is conceived there, it is perpetually brought forth in horrible blasphemies. In that gloomy receptacle, tormented ghosts lust to envy the Most High; and "when lust hath conceived, it bringeth forth sin; and
sin, when finished, bringeth forth death," James i. 15. This is the conception and progeny of hell, Where eternal death reigneth.
Death is the offspring of sin, Rom. v. 12; and destruction is the offspring of death; as it is written, "The first-born of death shall devour his strength," Job, xviii. 13. Oh what an awful family has the Holy Ghost discovered in the word of God! Satan is said to be both the father and nourisher of sin. "When Satan speaketh a lie, he speaketh of his own; for he is a liar, and the father of it," John viii. 44. All sin is of the devil; and "death came by sin," Rom. v. 12; and by death came destruction. What an infernal fraternity!
O blessed be God for Jesus Christ, who, in infinite wisdom, has dethroned them all, and by his almighty power, hath delivered our souls from them! "He triumphed over [these] principalities and powers [on the cross], and made a show of them openly," Col. it. 15. And even now he shows them openly, in the light of his own word and Spirit, and exposes all as a conquered host. These were powers of darkness, led on to engage the Saviour by the prince of this world; but he had no spawn, or sin, to work on in the dear Redeemer; as it is written, "The prince of this world cometh, but hath nothing in me," John xiv. 30. "This was their hour, and these were the powers of darkness," Luke xxii. 53.
When the Saviour "bowed his head and yielded up the ghost," they all fell (as the heathen temple did under the spiritual might that was given to the Saviour's type, Samson); but when he arose from the grave, it was then" All hail!" The prince of this world was cast out; John xii. 31. And, when Christ ascended, he led those our tormentors prisoners; as it is written, "He hath ascended on high, he hath led captivity captive," Psal. lxviii. 18. "God is gone up with a shout and with the sound of a trumpet," Psal. xlvii. 5. The all-conquering
"Lord of Hosts, mighty in battle," Psal. xxiv. 8. Thus giving us a certainty of overcoming all enemies through him; as it is written," Because I live, ye shall live also."
These tidings of the Saviour's conquest caused the powers of hell to sit in sackcloth, and extorted a lamentable confession, both from death and destruction. First, a question is put, "Where shall wisdom be found?" Job, xxviii. 12. Secondly, the inquiry where she comes from, "Whence then cometh Wisdom? And where is the place of understanding?" And now the Holy Ghost shows us the lamentable confession of hell, "Destruction and Death say, We have heard the fame thereof, that is, the fame of Wisdom, with our ears," Job, xxviii. 20, 22.
O how cutting to the inhabitants of the infernal regions must the glorious Redeemer's triumph have been when he had vanquished them, and took them captive! And to this day he lets them loose, and checks their rage, as he thinks proper: as it is written," I am he that liveth, and was dead; and, behold, I am alive for evermore, Amen; and have the keys of hell and of death," Rev. i. 18. These must be lamentable tidings for all in hell! But the ever-blessed Immanuel shall reign in heaven; reign in his own hereditary right; in his royal robe of human nature, both sanctified and glorified; as the supreme Monarch, and universal Key-keeper; yea, he shall reign in heaven, while devils and sin, death and destruction, shall grind in hell.
Having continued many weeks in this melancholy condition, I thought I would go to the sacrament of the Lord's supper, and see if that would afford me any relief. I purposed first to speak to the minister of the church which I frequented: but I did not intend to open my mouth about the temptations that I labored under; as I thought, if I did, he would deem me mad, and have confined me in prison, or else have smothered me between two beds, as some have been who were bit with mad dogs. This I really believed, and therefore I would not divulge my case upon any consideration whatsoever. Even this temptation, through God's mercy, worked together for my good; for regard to my own safety led me to conceal my case. In short, if I had made it known to a blind guide, he would probably have recommended novels and diversions, or something else, just that I might stifle my conscience; and so he might "have healed my wound slightly, crying Peace, peace, when God had not spoken peace," Jer. vi. 14. And, as I was so fond of these blind watchmen, I should, in all probability, have eagerly swallowed down all that they might have said. Howbeit, God never caused me to speak to him at all. I went several times, but never found him at home; which I was much grieved at, being very fond of him, because he seemed to take more pains than any I had ever heard. I used almost to adore him; for, if I passed him in his robes in the streets, my very soul would sink within me at the sight of so holy a being as I vainly thought he was. However, I bless God that I never spoke to him at all; for, after I was enlightened, I went to hear him preach, but (poor soul!) he was as dead as a stone and as blind as a bat.
I foolishly conjectured that, if any went to heaven, it must be the church clergy and their clerks; for I thought their very caring itself consisted of godliness, being too blind to understand the Saviour's meaning when he calls them hireling.
Howbeit, since God has given me understanding in his word, I confess I am of another way of thinking; for I believe there are few parsons and clerks who seem to be even on the way to heaven. The old question among the Jews was, "Have any of the rulers, or of the Pharisees, believed on him?" And, suppose they have not, shall they obtain heaven by their unbelief? No: "He that believes not shall be damned," Mark, xvi. 16.
As I could not find the parson at home to speak with about going to the sacrament, I was determined to get hold of the clerk, who took me to a public house, to treat him with rumwater as long as I could find cash to pay for it! This would have aggravated my desperate case, had not the consideration of his being so holy a man by office appeared an antidote, or charm, against the devil and sin. However, my tutor, when he came staggering down the steps, advised me not to go to his master, nor to any other parson; and he advised me right; but, when he took his leave of me, he said he would tell me when to draw up, and where at the table I should kneel. Then he pointed with his finger up to the stars, and said, "Go there: look there. If I was in your case, I would always go there;" that is, to God, he meant. And thus, upon the whole, he acted the part of an honest hand-post; that is, he pointed to me the right way, but I believe he never went one step therein himself.
When the Lord's day arrived, which was appointed for administering the sacrament, I went to the table of the Lord with all the horrors of the damned. The clerk seemed very officious, and told me when to approach, namely, when the quality had all done; and afterward where to kneel, that was at the lower end of the table. But I believe I was one of the most welcome guests at that table, according to the pre-requisites of the communion service; for I could say from my heart, "I do earnestly repent, and am heartily sorry for, these my misdoings; the remembrance of them is grievous unto me, and the burden intolerable." Nor did I altogether go "trusting in my own righteousness to the table of my most merciful Lord, but trusting more in his manifold and great mercies;" for, as to the spider's web of my own righteousness or works, which I formerly had trusted in, Isa. iix. 5, this was in a great measure purged away "by the spirit of judgment, and by the spirit of burning," Isa. iv 4.
However, I came away with, all my guilt and distress, just as I went. And I am sure there is no pardon nor peace for a guilty conscience but in the Redeemer's blood; nor is there any life for a condemned criminal but in Christ, "the bread of heaven." Men may please themselves with dry forms and modes as long as they will, but "the hour of temptation shall come on all the world to try them," Rev. iii. 10; and that many will one day feel, who now insult God with a mocking form, expressive of what they never felt. For instance, when they say, "Deliver us from the crafts and assaults of the devil, from thy wrath, and everlasting damnation:" and again, "Raise up those that fall, and finally beat down Satan under our feet:" and again, "Grant that those evils, which the craft and subtlety of the devil or man working against us, may be brought to naught." These petitions are expressed, not offered up to God, by some who are half asleep, by some who are tittering and laughing, and by others who are darting the flames of lust out of every corner of their eyes. If this is not mocking of God, what is? Yea, I think it is worse mockery by far than that which is practiced at a masquerade, where they really appear in the character that the word of God gives them. The Scriptures call ungodly sinners devils, brutes, and children sitting in a marketplace. Now at a masquerade, some mimic the devil: here is no mockery; such a one is a devil both within and without. Others are masked so as to imitate a goat: and our Saviour says he will set these goats at his left hand when he judges the world. Here is no deceit in this; there is a brute in heart and a brute in dress. Others mimic buyers and sellers; and others are like children, mimicking balls and burials, saying, "We have piped, and you have not danced; we have mourned, and you have not wept." And the Pantheon is a figure of the world, called by Christ a market-place, where sinners sell themselves, like Ahab, to work wickedness; or, like the fool, who gains the world and loses his own soul. Thus the masqueraders appear in character; which is more than those who draw near to God with their lips, while dead to
him, and at war with him in their hearts; therefore in vain they worship him.
My foolish heart was so wedded to the gown and cassock, that I thought none could know the mind and will of God but those men who were brought up at college, and ornamented with such popish rags. This opinion I paid dear enough for; and, if my gracious God had not been pleased to reveal his truth to me himself, they would soon have led me to Bedlam, and from thence to hell, for, "if the blind lead the blind, both fall into the ditch."
I hardly ever asked a scriptural question of a Jew, but his answer was, "You must ask the rabies that; they can tell you, but I cannot." Yea, farther, that rooted enmity that they have in their mind against the Saviour, and their deeming him an impostor, was conceived originally by the devil in the hearts of the Jewish rabbis; as it is written, "Now when they were going, behold some of the watch came into the city, and showed the chief priests all the things that were done. And when they were assembled with the elders and had taken counsel, they gave large money unto the soldiers, saying, Say ye, The disciples came by night and stole him while we slept." A likely matter that they should prove that his disciples stole him when they were fast asleep! However, a lie will go down with credit from the mouth of a priest. "And, if this comes to the governor's ears, we will persuade him, and secure you. So they took the money and did as they were taught. And this saying is commonly reported among the Jews until this day," Matt. xxviii. 11-15. There was a two-fold death ministered in this lie; death to the soldiers for being asleep on their duty, and death to the souls of all that credited this lie: however, a priest could make it go down, though no other could. "We will persuade the governor, and secure you!" There was no doubt of that.
How dangerous is a letter-learned head, an eloquent language, a venerable appearance, a popish robe, and a garb of mock sanctity, accompanied with ecclesiastical effrontery. Where the devil reigns and rules in the heart, the more learning, eloquence, external show, and human power they have, the more mischief they do. If Aaron sets up a calf, few knees will refuse to bend; and what is patronized by a priest in the wilderness will be accepted at Bethel.
I believe Elijah had his reason for wearing a leathern girdle; and so had John the Baptist for wearing a garment of camel's hair; and, doubtless, the Saviour had his reasons for wearing a coat without seam, and sending his apostles out with this charge, "Take not two coats, and be shod with sandals." A blind watchman endangers a city; a false ambassador endangers a state: and a blind pilot leads his ship's crew to destruction; and, when he enters hell, his name is Legion.
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