PROTRACTED MEETINGS (West)

FOR THE SIGNS OF THE TIMES.

Dear brother Beebe:—Having to write to you on business, I thought that I would send you a small scrap of the trial of my mind, for twelve years past. Although I am not acquainted with you in the flesh, yet I sometimes hope I am in the spirit; therefore, I feel more freedom to write to you, though in a poor and simple manner.

About twelve years ago, at the age of seventeen, I think the Lord in his own infinite wisdom and great mercy saw fit to show me what I was and what I ever had been. I saw myself as an awful sinner and a transgressor in the sight of God. I began to look about myself, and the first inquiry was, What shall I do to keep the law? I could not love the Lord God with all my soul, might, mind and strength, and my neighbor as myself, which the law required. I had no strength; what should I do, to look to Christ,—how could I such an awful creature and ungodly wretch,—how could I look for a Saviour when he had always appeared to me as a root out of dry ground, without form or comeliness, and I had not desired the knowledge of his ways; but said in my heart I would not have him to rule over me! I frequently attended meetings of the Free Will Baptist order. They discovered my distress of mind and would tell me what to do, and I, being like a drowning man, would catch at every straw. But alas! all I tried to do seemed to plunge me deeper and deeper in despair. In this state of mind, I continued for several days, till it seemed to me that there was no hope for me; that I should be forever miserable; I had been so wicked and so bad that there was no mercy for me. Sometimes I tried to call on God for mercy, but it seemed to me that my petitions were not heard. Sometimes I tried to confess my sins, then the thought would strike me—what, confess to that God who cannot look upon sin with the least allowance? I thought that he could not forgive me through his Son, for it seemed to me that Christ did not suffer for such an awful creature as I was; and feeling in my heart that I deserved nothing but his eternal displeasure, I therefore gave up all hope. I concluded that I must sink under the awful stroke of his justice, where hope could never reach my case. I saw myself justly condemned, and I could do nothing but cry, Lord, save me or I perish. In this state of mind I continued not long; my load of guilt seemed to be removed, and I felt relieved, but I did not realize that a Saviour had borne my sins in his own body on the tree: therefore I gave not glory to God for his mercy and kindness, when the sun, moon and stars, and even the trees of the forest seemed to speak forth his glory. But I had not gained that evidence which I wanted; I was so unbelieving that I could not believe that I had passed from death unto life; and, instead of following my heavenly Master in his requirements, and taking his word as the man of my counsel and guide, I turned back to the weak and beggarly elements of the world, where I remained for ten years. After turning back to the world and its vanities, I soon found that I was in a barren land. I then began to look for my load of sin and guilt and to desire it back again. I concluded that I was not effectively convinced of sin, but I could not find it again; and it often refers me to the circumstance of the children of Israel searching for the grave of Moses, but they could not find it because the Lord had buried him. I finally thought I would search the scriptures, and I had a great idea of works, they of course did not very well correspond with my ideas: the more I read them the more they cut me down, and finally I had to give up that the creature must be saved by grace and not works.

Sometimes I thought I had a special regard for the truth, I did not want to hear it spoken against, and why it was so I could not tell—sometimes I tried to take comfort in the vanities of the world, but it always left a sting behind—sometimes I felt cast down, and would try to look to God for help; but it seemed to me that my prayers went no higher than my head, and it appeared to me that I was without hope and without God in the world, and of all men most miserable.

In this situation I worried along till about two years ago, when I think the Saviour again manifested himself unto me, and broke the bars of unbelief and burst open the prison doors, and once more proclaimed liberty to a poor, miserable captive, and showed me that I had a duty to do—that I must take up my cross and follow him through evil as well as good report—that it was the willing and the obedient that eat the [good] of the land.—Since that time I think I have enjoyed many refreshing seasons, and I think there is great comfort and consolation to be taken in believing in the Lord Jesus Christ; but I am still an ungrateful creature—I am often found doubting his goodness which brings sorrow to my mind.

But my earnest desire is that he will so govern, guide, and direct me while passing through this world of affliction, that I may be brought off a conqueror and more than a conqueror, through him who loved us and gave himself for us—that I may finally be prepared by grace to meet my God in peace.

Yours in the best of bonds,
W.

P. S. The “anxious bench” Baptists in this vicinity are having a great revival; they have baptized 46, among whom were two children of the officiating minister, eight and ten years of age. I am told (for I witnessed none of their proceedings) they went forward very reluctantly, and much against their will, begging and pleading against being put into the water! Whether such is the work of the Lord, I leave you to draw your own conclusions. Their meetings have continued for four weeks, and are yet “protracted.”
W.