Dear Sister in Christ:
I feel my unworthiness to write to one soul rich in spiritual things, But Peter says we should at all times be ready to give the reason for the hope within us. I have never forgotten the time when you spoke so kindly to me at the association in Southampton, seven years ago, about these things, and I have Ever since felt, I would like to see you and talk with you about it.
I will now try to tell you what has, I hope, been the Lord's dealings with me from that time. I was getting very much troubled in my mind and felt myself to be such a great Sinner in the sight of God. I could not ask for a home with his people, to whom my heart was so greatly drawn. This feeling gradually left me, and I grew so worldly-minded, and it seemed I wandered so far away from the Lord that he could never be gracious to me. But for his restraining hand, I should have gone farther and farther away, period. Now I desire to praise his dear name for bringing me into his fold, Where I can commune with his people.
When about 12 years of age, I united with the Presbyterian Church, but never felt satisfied with myself. I was told to pray for a new heart, and did try to pray, Yet when a feeling that my prayer went no higher than my head. But I joined the church, as I felt it a duty to do so, Yet how wrong it was. I knew I'd loved worldly things, as I grew up partaking in the pleasures and vanities of this life. I had not ever heard an Old-School Baptist preach and had always been taught to despise them, And when my mother united with them, I felt so badly and thought our friends would look down on her and us, For we all belong to the Presbyterian Church.
But thanks be unto God, how soon I felt differently. How good they seem to me, and I hope I was given a hearing ear and understanding heart. How like a hypocrite I felt to meet with them, and would take a seat where they could not see how badly I felt. I was in this condition for five years, without any hope or comfort. I used to think I would go back to the Presbyterians, Yet when I did go for a Sunday or two, I would find no food in their preaching; All my love was for those I felt to be the Lord's people, Yet it seemed I was deceiving them even to meet with them in their solemn assemblies. The spring I was baptized, I passed through a season of great darkness of mind.
No one can tell what I suffered, for I had a strong desire to be with the Lord's people, but could not see my way clear to become a member. How well I remember the time when these words came to me, “My grace is sufficient for you.” Then something said, “You only imagined it,” and I felt as badly as ever. I would go to bed, but not to sleep, for my troubles were so great. Soon after this I trust the Lord spoke peace to my soul in these words, “It is not of him that wills, nor of him that runs, but of God that shows mercy.” I was then made to rejoice. I felt that my feet were placed on a rock, and I could sing praises to the most high. “Thanks be unto God who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.” I went to a meeting and heard Elder Chick. Every word seemed for me, but before the next meeting came around I was doubting again. But these words were with me. “Perfect love casts out. Fear.” I came to the church with much fear and trembling and wondered how he could receive me. I have small evidence that I am a child of God, and know so little of these things. Many without the fold know much more.
The day I was baptized was very peaceful, but alas, How soon the tempter came. I was reading about an experience that was wonderful, and the thought came, “You have deceived the church,” and for a time I was greatly troubled, But the Lord was again merciful in removing that trouble. Most of my time has been through doubts and fears, and I have often mourned a heart of unbelief. But I have been made to feel that the Lord knows what is best for me; That as He has strengthened and sustained me in the past, He will not forget me in the future. I will close, lest I weary you.
From one who is the least of all,
Vol. 66.16
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