BIBLICAL MARRIAGE (JAMES)

FOREWORD

Here is a short biography provided by our Brother:

Elder Jabin (Jay) James was ordained as an old-line Primitive Baptist elder in January 2002. He currently serves Cedar Creek Primitive Baptist Church near Cordele, GA. He has served several other churches in Georgia. He enjoys writing and has written several articles for religious periodicals. He and his wife, Beth, have been married for 24 years. They have 4 children and reside in Fitzgerald, Georgia.

INTRODUCTION

On one end of the spectrum, the modern feminist movement, in its fixation on erasing the divinely given gender distinctions and differing roles, fails to appreciate or even acknowledge the unique and special qualities and strengths that the wife brings into the family. On the other end of the spectrum, some of the teachings within the Patriarchal movement, with its fixation on establishing the husband's dominance and control, have the practical effect of relegating the wife and mother to the status of a subservient doormat. Rather than simply claiming a particular label that men have come up with, we hope to examine the Biblical balance between these two extremes in this writing.

Solomon wrote, "Let thine eyes look right on, and let thine eyelids look straight before thee. Ponder the path of thy feet, and let all thy ways be established before thee. Turn not to the right hand nor to the left ..." (Proverbs 4:25-27).

 It is the scriptural teachings on a woman's role within the family that exalt her the most. Within this framework, she is praised, honored, and cherished by her husband and blessed and honored by her children. (Proverbs 31, Ephesians 5, I Peter 3)

THE ORIGIN OF THE FAMILY

God established the institution of the family on the ground..." (Gen. 2:7). "And the LORD God said, It is not the beginning of time.

"And the LORD God formed man of the dust good that man should be alone; I will make a help meet for him." (Gen. 2:18). And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed the flesh thereof; And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Therefore, shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh" (Gen. 2.21 24). Having created male and female in His image and having joined them together as husband and wife, "God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth" (Gen 1:23). God, as the Creator of this institution, has given through his inspired word all of the instructions necessary for its optimal success and for the happiness of each member.

LEAVING AND CLEAVING

A biblical marriage relationship begins when a man leaves his father and mother, enters the marriage covenant, and cleaves unto his wife. Of course, he physically leaves the residence of his father and mother. But there is a level of emotional-dependency departure as well. If he spends a disproportionate amount of time at his parents' house, apart from his bride and family, he has not truly left father and mother.

If, when difficulties arise, he runs straight to his father and mother, and they are his very first "go-to" people in times of crisis, then he has not truly left father and mother. (Of course, that is not to say there is not a rightful place for parental advice and counsel.) If, when strife develops between him and his wife, he instinctively goes to mother or father, telling his side and seeking allies, he has not truly left father and mother. In these scenarios, a wise father and mother will direct their son to go back to his wife. while reminding him of the marital responsibility of husband and wife to pray together, look to and depend upon each other, and work through difficulties together while following the principles of true sacrificial love given in I Corinthians 13. It is only when both husband and wife have fully left father and mother that they can then cleave to one another. The word "cleave", as used in the Genesis passage (and then again quoted by Jesus in the gospel accounts as He defines the marriage relationship) literally means "to be joined unto", "to stick fast unto", and "to be glued to". When husband and wife cleave to one another, they become melded together as "one flesh" and as a partnership of mutual sin trust.

Solomon warns of "the little foxes, that spoil the vines" and take away the "tender grapes" (Song of Solomon 2:15). There are things that may seem small and innocent but that, over time, only serve to weaken the "glue" in a marriage relationship. When this happens, if there is not a course correction and a realignment of priorities, the eventual end could be irreparable detachment and the death of the relationship. The little foxes come in and spoil the tender grapes of happiness, contentment, pleasant companionship, oneness, and all the blessings that accompany a godly marriage.

These "little foxes" might come in the form of outside interests and hobbies that have grown from their original state of benefit and blessing to occupy a high place of out-sized importance so that they become what actually holds the husband's or wife's heart and affection-what they are cleaving unto rather than unto their spouse.

The little foxes could be the one-on-one time that a pastor spends counselling a woman who is a divorcee or widow. It could be the business trips where a husband spends time alone, traveling or dining, with a woman business partner. These things may be innocent enough in terms of pure intentions. But pure intentions are not the only measuring rod that determines the wisdom of an activity. We should always ask ourselves, "Could I possibly be unintentionally inviting judgment or putting question marks in the minds of outside observers?" Paul wrote: "Abstain from all appearance of evil" (| Thessalonians 5:22). We should also ask ourselves, when considering the propriety of a situation, "Am I giving place to the devil" -Eph. 4:27? We should never shrug off or underestimate the truth of what Paul said: "I find then a law, when I would do good [that is, good intentions] evil is present with me" (Ephesians 7:21).

Little foxes could also come in the form of "wandering eyes" - a simple click on a pop-up site on the internet, which leads to more clicks, activates the lust of the flesh, and draws away our attention and desires from the one whom we vowed before God to "leave all other and cleave only unto her".

This little fox becomes a ferocious wolf, which weakens the glue of the marriage relationship and may well ultimately devour the relationship altogether.

CHRIST AS THE CENTER

The happiest and successful marriages and family lives have Christ as the center. That means acknowledging the wisdom of His word and making it a priority to have family time around His word and in prayer together. It means desiring His presence and acknowledging our dependence upon Him in every decision we face and in every facet of family life. It means acknowledging our need for His grace and help as we endeavor to. work together to fulfill the respective roles He has given us. And it means realizing that, ultimately, our identity and worth is in Christ, regardless of our status or station in life. We are taught by the Scriptures that our purpose on earth is to glorify God in our body and in our spirit in all that we do (I Cor 6:20, Colossians

3:17).

"HUSBANDS, LOVE YOUR WIVES"

The word of God commands husbands, "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church and gave himself for it" (Eph. 5:25). Christ's sacrificial love for His bride (those chosen in Him and given to Him before time) is the perfect model of the manner of love that a husband is to have for his wife. Christ's love for His bride is unconditional and eternal. It is strong, constant, and unfailing. His love was vividly manifested in His sorrows, suffering, and excruciatingly painful death for His people. Having in His heart the interest of His bride's welfare, and her eternal security and happiness, He did not just give companionship, oneness, and all the blessings that accompany a godly marriage.

These "little foxes" might come in the form of outside interests and hobbies that have grown from their original state of benefit and blessing to occupy a high place of outsized importance so that they become what actually holds the husband's or wife's heart and affection actually what they are cleaving unto rather than unto their spouse.

The little foxes could be the one-on-one time that a pastor spends counselling a woman who is a divorcee or widow. It could be the business trips where a husband spends time alone, traveling or dining, with a woman business partner. These things may be innocent enough in terms of pure intentions. But pure intentions are not the only measuring rod that determines the wisdom of an activity. We should always ask ourselves, "Could I possibly be unintentionally inviting judgment or putting question marks in the minds of outside observers?" Paul wrote: "Abstain from all appearance of evil" (I Thessalonians 5:22). We should also ask ourselves, when considering the propriety of a situation,

"Am I giving place to the devil?" Eph. 4:27? We should never shrug off or underestimate the truth of what Paul said: "I find then a law, when I would do good [that is, good intentions] evil is present with me" (Ephesians 7:21).

Little foxes could also come in the form of "wandering eyes" - a simple click on a pop-up site on the internet, which leads to more clicks, activates the lust of the flesh, and draws away our is attention and desires from the one whom we vowed before God to "leave all other and cleave only unto her".

This little fox becomes a ferocious wolf, which weakens the glue of the marriage relationship and may well ultimately devour the relationship altogether.

CHRIST AS THE CENTER

The happiest and successful marriages and family lives have Christ as the center. That means acknowledging the wisdom of His word and making it a priority to have family time around His word and in prayer together. It means desiring His presence and acknowledging our dependence upon Him in every decision we face and in every facet of family life. It means acknowledging our need for His grace and help as we endeavor to work together to fulfill the perspective roles He has given us. And it means realizing that, ultimately, our identity and worth are in Christ, regardless of our status or station in life. We are taught by the Scriptures that our purpose on earth is to glorify God in our body and in our spirit in all that we do (I Cor 6:20, Colossians 3:17).

"HUSBANDS, LOVE YOUR WIVES"

The word of God commands husbands, "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church and gave himself for it" (Eph. 5:25). Christ's sacrificial love for His bride (those chosen in Him and given to Him before time) is the perfect model of the manner of love that a husband is to have for his wife. Christ's love for His bride is unconditional and eternal. It is strong, constant, and unfailing. His love was vividly manifested in His sorrows, suffering, and excruciatingly painful death for His people. Having in His heart the interest of His bride's welfare, and her eternal security and happiness, He did not just give or give OF Himself gave Himself; He literally gave all. We understand that no earthly husband can come close to attaining this perfect manner of love. But the point is that the scriptural pattern is a love which perpetually denies self, gives, sacrifices, and places the interests and happiness of his bride above that of his own.

"NOURISH AND CHERISH"

The husband and wife being one flesh, the husband is instructed to "nourish and cherish" his wife even as he does is own body (Eph. 5:28-29). The word "nourish" in this verse is translated from a word that means "to provide, to sustain, to bring to maturity". So this description speaks of the husband's responsibility to labor to sustain the physical needs of his wife. The word also embraces his responsibility to extend whatever sacrifice of love, support, or encouragement is needed for her optimal emotional well-being. If we trace the original meaning of this word, we find the phrases "nourish much" or "one hundredfold". Therefore, we can conclude that this labor is to be carried out in a diligent and ongoing manner. The word "cherish" in this verse means "to heat or soften."

This word picture draws as a comparison the tender and attentive way we tend to flesh wounds in our body - gently cleansing, bandaging, wrapping up, applying heat or pressure, whatever is necessary to facilitate a thorough healing with minimal pain. Paul uses the same word, with the same meaning, in I Thessalonians 2:7. "But we were gentle among you, even as a nurse cherishes her children,"

So, what Paul has under consideration in Ephesians 5:28-29 is that, constantly (but even more so, when the wife is suffering from wounds, hurts, and struggles), the husband's attentiveness and care are an important part of the sacrificial love that builds up relationships.

"BE NOT BITTER AGAINST THEM"

Paul admonishes, "Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them" (Colossians 3:19). Sacrificial love manifests itself in the absence of bitterness. "Bitter" in this verse is translated from a word which means "to make sharp or pointed". Even in the best of relationships, on occasion, misunderstandings, disappointments, and hurt feelings will invariably arise. Amid such times, true love and self-denial will resist any carnal urges to use the tongue as a sharp sword. This verse is specifically addressed to the husband. It is very detrimental to the marriage relationship for the husband to abuse his self-perceived sense of power by talking down to his wife in a sharp or harshly scolding manner.

"GIVING HONOUR UNTO THE WIFE"

Husbands are instructed to give "honor unto the wife" (1 Peter 3:7). The phrase "giving honor" in this verse is translated from a word which means to "give value, esteem, and weight". He recognizes the great weight and importance of her role within the family, her dignity and worth, her insights, judgments, and opinions, and so forth. It helps us to understand what "give honor unto" means if we consider how Jesus uses this word in Matthew 13:57.

A careful reading of the verse as a whole brings us to the conclusion that a large part of the husband's responsibility to give honour unto his wife is because (and given THE FACT) that she IS the weaker vessel. So the true meaning of this phrase is one in which we see characteristics in the woman that do not invite condescension or pity but, rather, bring her into a position of meriting esteem and receiving the placement of special value. A woman is the weaker vessel in the sense that she has a special tenderness and sensitivity that is unique to her God-given feminine nature. This quality explains why she often experiences brokenness as she is deeply affected by the hurts and pains of those who surround her. This quality is particularly on display as we observe a mother's dealings with her children. A little child may come running to the house, with much drama and tears, seeking relief for a scraped knee or hurt feelings brought on by a playmate. If the father is the first person on hand, his logical mind will instantly conclude that it is not a big deal. He will still try to do the best he can to bring the comfort and healing needed. But the father needs help; the situation may not get through his tough exterior for him to make the needed connection with the child. So, the mother, after hearing the commotion, rushes onto the scene. She realizes as well that the situation is not a big deal, but she knows just how much of a deal it is in the little child's mind, so this understanding affects her deeply. The father did the best he could, and he loves the child just as much as the mother, but somehow the child senses that his mother really "gets it". Her soothing voice and tender touch magically work together to bring swift healing. The child is ready to go back to playing again. He or she can probably even suddenly run on the leg or foot that was "broken" just a few minutes ago.

An important aspect of a healthy Biblical marriage is understanding and maintaining Biblical submission. On the extreme patriarchal end, a false view of submission is set forth that fails to acknowledge that the husband and wife, who have covenanted with each other to live together until parted by death, should even enjoy the basic aspects of what characterizes any good close friendship. Put plainly, they aren't friends; she is simply his useful subordinate. If she feels emotionally wounded, underappreciated, ignored, pushed aside, whatever, she is (according to these harmful teachings) simply to cower down more, pray harder, and suffer in silence as a silent martyr.

She is certainly never to confront, and she cannot advocate for her feelings, her opinions, her perspectives, for she has no voice of her own; he is her voice. In fact, according to these teachings, any form of constructive criticism by the wife is out of line and insubordination, even though Solomon said, "Faithful are the wounds of a friend...." (Proverbs 27.6) out One will not find this kind of relationship advocated in the Scriptures.

It is not a healthy normal Biblical marriage relationship, or, as has been stated, even a friendship. It is simply a lifestyle of bondage and a recipe for abuse.

The command for the wife to submit unto her husband must be understood within the broader concept of submission, which means to put oneself under another. Ephesians 5:22-28 deals with the proper relationship of husband and wife. But verse 21 sets the tone for the passage. "Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God". So, in a Biblically ordered marriage relationship, there is an aspect of mutual submission. The egalitarian viewpoint would, generally, misapply this concept to teach interchangeability and that there are no differing roles, but that is clearly not what is being taught. Paul instructs wives to "submit" themselves unto their "own husbands, as unto the Lord" (Eph. 5:22). Peter instructs wives to "be in subjection to your husbands ers even as Sara obeyed Abraham" (I Peter 3:1,6). To understand what is under consideration when the wife is instructed to submit to and obey her husband, we must first grasp the role that God has placed the husband in. He is the "head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church" (Eph. 5:23). The father is instructed to "bring... up" the children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord (Eph. 6:4).

One of the qualifications of an elder is that he is to be one who "rules well his own house, having his children in subjection with all gravity" (I Timothy 3:4). This instruction would apply to all fathers. The word "rule" in this verse means "to set or place over or before". What he is to set before them are the principles and instructions of God's word.

When we put all these passages together, we get a clear picture of the husband as the spiritual leader of the family. So when the scriptures admonish the wife to "submit to" and "obey" her husband, she is being instructed to recognize the role that God has placed him in and place herself under his godly leadership as he looks unto Christ, Who is his Head and Who is the ultimate Head of the household —Who indeed is the One to whom the family should look as Priest and King. The word "obey" in I Peter 3 means to "hearken attentively and submissively". It is in the context of these principles that Paul writes in Ephesians 5:33, "and the wife sees that she reverence her husband." A husband may command his wife (as a parent would a child), "Go to the kitchen and sweep the floor!" Or "Go wash the dishes!" But this type of relationship, with such orders and interaction, does not comport with the contextual meaning of these passages in Ephesians and Peter. At this point, it needs to be emphasized that within the framework of the husband's general spiritual leadership role, the Scriptures teach that the wife's role as a godly mother necessarily entails exercising authority and spiritual leadership as well as they both work together to attempt to raise their children in accord with scriptural precepts. This principle will be examined more fully later.

As for the husband's submission, his submission comes not in the form of looking to the wife as the spiritual leader, but, rather, in lowering himself under his wife in the sense that he esteems her "better than" himself (Philippians 2:3), defers and yields to her comfort and welfare ahead of his own (Phil. 2:4), supports her, etc. Having the mind of a servant, he is observant of her situation, considerate, and willing to pitch in and help when needed so that she does not feel alone and overwhelmed in family responsibilities.

One important aspect to understand about Biblical submission in marriage is that we do not have a hierarchy set up with a high-ranking chief over a low-ranking subordinate, but rather, servant leadership, mutual deference, and mutual respect. As Peter instructed, "... all of you be subject one to another, and be clothed with humility" (I Peter 5:5). One way to grasp this principle is to consider Paul's instructions to the flock of God in relation to the pastors He sends them. He wrote, "Obey them that have the rule over you, and submit yourselves: for they watch for your souls...." (Hebrews 13:17). We are to take heed to the under-shepherd's scriptural instruction and follow them as they follow Christ (I Cor. 11:1). But at the same time (although there are diversities of gifts and only males are designated by Scripture to be pastors/teachers) there is no hierarchy within the flock of God, unlike earthly kingdoms. The sheep are not the pastors' subordinates. The pastors are not set up to be "lords over God's heritage" (Peter 5:3) or to "have dominion over" their "faith", but to be "helpers of their "joy" (lI Cor 1.24). In the same vein, the husband is not given lordship dominion over his wife, nor does he occupy the role of king or the role of priest and mediator between her and God, "for there is one mediator between God and man, the man Christ Jesus" (I Timothy 2:5).o As we examine relevant scriptures, it becomes increasingly apparent that the emphasis and equation is not about power, control, and dominance, but, rather, love, sacrifice, mutual consideration and service, and mutual submission within the roles that God has assigned.

"MEEK AND QUIET SPIRIT"

Peter writes that wives are to be adorned with "a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price" (| Peter 3:3

4) In verse 6, he specifically references Sara, Abraham's wife, as an example of one of the "holy women" of old who had such adorning. The words "meek" and "quiet" as used in this passage are very closely related; looking at their original meanings, we find such characteristics as "tranquil, easy, gentle, mild, humble, peaceable". We also find the phrase "not easily provoked", which corresponds with part of the definition of charity given in I Corinthians 13. In this adorning, we see a beautiful picture of a godly woman of strong moral character, a woman who is quite the opposite of the "loud and stubborn" strange woman of Proverbs 7:11 or the "brawling" and "contentious" woman mentioned several times in Proverbs. Sara displayed these characteristics as she took the great journey of faith with Abraham, who (when he was 75 years old and she 65) went into an unknown land in obedience to God's command. Together, they sojourned through nations and kingdoms and in the land of promise far away from anything or anybody they had ever known, and for twenty-five years they faithfully waited for the promised seed as they "against hope believed in hope" (Romans 4:18) throughout Sara's state of barrenness. Had Sara not been a godly woman of patience, humility, and meekness (and had 9s Abraham not been "the Friend of God"-James 2:23), it is probably safe to say that their relationship would not have been sustained until they were parted by death.

Since the word of God gives us Sara as an example of a woman of a "meek and quiet spirit," we can also look at a particular episode in their marriage relationship, which reveals to us that this phrase in the scriptures is not to be equated with weakness, silence, or timidity. In Genesis 21:9, we find Ishmael (the son of Abraham's bondwoman, Hagar) making fun of ("mocking") Isaac. The scripture does not specifically say, but this was probably not the first time such had taken place.

Sara painfully witnessed this unpleasant interaction, and then she went to Abraham and plainly said: "Cast out this bondwoman and her son: for the son of this bondwoman shall not be heir to my son, even with Isaac" (verse 10). She was not disrespectful to Abraham, but she expressed her preference in a very direct way that he could not misunderstand. Had the account stopped at this point, we might reasonably conclude that Sara was out of place and that this episode was just a carnal human-nature exception to her general "meek and quiet spirit". But, at this. point, God, rather than rebuking Sara, instructed Abraham: "In all that Sara hath said unto thee, hearken unto her voice; for in Isaac shall thy seed be called" (verse 12). This was not what Abraham wanted to hear, but God told him, "Let it not be grievous in thy sight because of the lad, and because of the bondwoman".

This word from the Lord settled the matter, and Abraham proceeded accordingly. As for any scriptural injunction (we could list many— "have faith in God", "be ye perfect", "work out your salvation", etc.) we must examine it in the light of the scriptures on order to accurately determine its scriptural meaning while we rule out what it does not mean.

In I Timothy 5:14, Paul writes that the "younger women" are to "marry, bear children, and guide the house." If we do a word study of the phrase "guide the house", we find that the Greek word from which it is translated means "to rule" (Strongs) or "to be a house despot or ruler" (Youngs). We also find such comparable terms as "goodman, master, and householder".

An examination of the origin of the phrase brings us to a broad application that points to strength and wisdom, accompanied by a healthy level of authority and leadership skills. The same scriptures that charge the children to "obey" and "honor" their father equally charge them to "obey" and "honor" their mother. (Ephesians 6:1,2). The same scripture that commands children to "hear the instruction of thy father admonishes them to "forsake not the law of thy mother" (Proverbs 1:8). One descrip-16 tion given of the virtuous woman is: "She opens her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness" (Proverbs 31:26). She carries out these attributes in numerous ways (and, of course, has even more opportunity to do so when she spends more hours of the day with them as homemaker): when she mediates sibling disputes, helps instill positive qualities of peaceful and kind interactions, gives comfort and encouragement when needed, provides counsel and mentoring, and generally helps

instill scriptural principles. Often, when motivation and direction are lacking, she helps foster it (many times with painful, tough love). *) All of these things go into her role of guiding the house as she "looketh well to the ways of her household" (Proverbs 31:27).

 

Interwoven into this responsibility is Paul's admonition for the women to be "keepers at home" (Titus 2:5). If we trace the original meaning of the word "keepers" as used in this verse, one of the main comparative terms is "guard". So this term as well extends beyond just physical domestic activities. (Though, of course, we understand that the physical aspect is an important part of this work as we read of the virtuous woman's giving "meat to her household" and having her children clothed warmly in time of snow -Proverbs 31:15,21). This description also speaks of her role in helping shield and protect her children from harmful influences that would bring corruption or some manner of hurt. To get this picture, we can envision a mother hen with her watchful eyes on the surrounding landscape while she has her tender little chicks gathered in safety under her warm wings.

"A PLACE OF HONOUR"

Slaves and hired servants in days of old occupied a subservient position in the household, is, by Webster's definition, is "a subordinate that is useful in an inferior capacity". "His job simply consists of making the master happy by quietly following orders. Under the Old Testament law, masters were commanded to provide wages to their servants in a timely manner, and they were instructed not to mistreat or abuse them. But at the end of the day, even in a situation with a good master, the slave was basically his owner's possession or property. In household matters, a slave was certainly not consulted for his advice or opinions, and if he dared to offer such, it was given no weight. In Proverbs 31, if we consider the descriptions given to the virtuous woman and other family members' interactions with her, we see not a menial slave but rather an honored woman of strength and dignity.

Interwoven into this responsibility is Paul's admonition for the women to be "keepers at home" (Titus 2:5). If we trace the original meaning of the word "keepers" as used in this verse, one of the main comparative terms is "guard". So this term as well extends beyond just physical domestic activities. (Though, of course, we understand that the physical aspect is an important part of this work as we read of the virtuous woman's giving "meat to her household" and having her children clothed warmly in time of snow -Proverbs 31:15,21). This description also speaks of her role in helping shield and protect her children from harmful influences that would bring corruption or some manner of ita hurt. To get this picture, we can envision a mother hen with her watchful eyes on the surrounding landscape while she has her tender little chicks gathered in safety under her warm wings.

Slaves and hired servants in days of old occupied a subservient position in the household, is, by Webster's definition, is "a subordinate that is useful in an inferior capacity". "His job simply consists of making the master happy by quietly following orders. Under the Old Testament law, masters were commanded to provide wages to their servants in a timely manner, and they were instructed not to mistreat or abuse them. But at the end of the day, even in a situation with a good master, the slave was basically his owner's possession or property. In household matters, a slave was certainly not consulted for his advice or opinions, and if he dared to offer such, it was given no weight. In Proverbs 31, if we consider the descriptions given to the virtuous woman and other family members' interactions with her, we see not a menial slave but rather an honored woman of strength and dignity.

We see terminology that is a much more apt description of a queen than a slave. "She girds her loins with strength. her clothing is silk and purple. Strength and honor are her clothing... Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her... Give her the fruit of her hands: and let her own works praise her in the gates.". The praise and honor that are given to her are not vain flattery, nor are they some sort of patronizing praise given with selfish motives. Rather, it is honest and sincere and appreciative acknowledgment and esteem given in recognition of her role and service, her godly character, and positive testimony in the community. Proverbs 31:29 sums up the sentiment well: "Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all."

"HEIRS TOGETHER OF THE GRACE OF LIFE"

The Scriptures give an order in the household, for "God is not the author of confusion" (I Cor 14:33). And husband and wife each serve in different roles. But these differences are not to be equated with inferiority or superiority. The husband and wife each possess a different set of strengths and weaknesses, but when they both follow the biblical injunction to come together as "one flesh". There is a complementing of one another and one great unit of strength. Solomon wrote, "Two are better than one, and a threefold cord is not quickly broken" (Ecc. 4:9,12). When Christ and His presence is the center of a relationship and His wisdom and instructions are sought out and built upon, then there is "a threefold cord." Peter instructs the husband to recognize that both he and his wife are "heirs together of the grace of life" (| Peter 3:7),

In other words, the reality of clear gender differences and differing roles does not negate the fact that there is an equality of worth based on creation and our position in Christ-both made in the image of God and given joint dominion over the creatures of the earth (Genesis 1:26-29), both "heirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ" (Romans 8:17), both having equal access to the throne of grace through the mediation of Christ our High Priest, both having the same access to the timely spiritual benefits of God's grace (peace, strength, joy, comfort, spiritual fellowship in worship), as well as the natural benefits and comfort of His daily provision, "who giveth us richly all things to enjoy" (I Timothy 6:17). Paul well sums up the principle of "being heirs together" in Galatian 3:28. "There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus." As both husband and wife view and treat each other through the filter of a firm understanding of these principles, mutual respect is greatly enhanced. Mutual respect is not just an incidental positive thing in a relationship; it is crucial, for without it, there is not much of a relationship, certainly not in any positive manner.

"HELP MEET"

Just before God formed Eve from the rib of Adam, He said,

"It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make a help meet for him" (Gen. 2:18). There have been many misrepresentations of the concept of "help meet". One misrepresentation is that of a handmaid, or even a bondservant, who waits upon her superior and answers to his every whim. But as we dig deeper into word study, a much different picture becomes clear. The word "help meet" in this passage is translated from two Hebrew words put together: ezer and kenegdo.

The word ezer means "to be strong, to save, to rescue". The same Hebrew word is used many times in reference to the help and strength that God gives His people. The word kenegdo means "as opposite to him" or "as corresponding to him". The point of this word being used in Genesis about the wife is not to, by any means, equate her with God. But what is underscored, when these two words are put together, is the reality that in any marriage relationship, the man brings a unique set of weaknesses/deficiencies that, ideally, can be offset by the complementary, corresponding strengths of the wife that the Lord provides for him-hence the concept "the other half" or "my better half'. The role of help meet plays out in varied ways because there is such a varied assortment of strengths and weaknesses among people.

DECISION MAKING

A husband may see the scriptural terms "head" and "submission" as they apply to husband and wife and somehow conclude that all family decisions are to be made unilaterally by him. With this approach, he views the expression of any differing or opposing viewpoints as an encroachment on his perceived power and authority. However, he takes this approach very foolishly and to the detriment of the well-being of his family and to the sacrifice of the kind of husband/wife relationship that is outlined in the Scriptures. This method violates multiple scriptural principles: "they are no more twain, but one flesh" (Mark 10:8), "giving honor unto the wife" (l Peter 3:7), "in the multitude of counsellors, there is safety" (Proverbs 11:14), "I will make an help meet for him”. In decision making, often a man's perspective is limited.

He may try to weigh things out by looking at data, facts, and information, which, of course, is needful, but often misses the full picture. Generally, wives are blessed with stronger qualities of empathy, tenderness, and a nurturing spirit. When both needful perspectives are prayerfully and respectfully considered and brought together, often a good and positive balance can be reached. We have considered the scriptural injunction for a wife and mother to "guide the house" and some of the broad application and weight of this role. If she faithfully and prayerfully applies herself to this role, reason would follow that the Lord equips her with invaluable insights and wisdom that need not be overlooked by her husband. Within the scriptural framework, we have a picture of husband and wife in a covenant union working together as a team and one unit while praying together and looking unto Christ for strength, wisdom, and direction.

"DEFRAUD YE NOT ONE ANOTHER"

In I Corinthians 7:4-5, Paul writes: "The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. "Defraud ye not one another, except it be for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency". The meaning of this passage is straightforward. Verse 4 is explained by Jesus in Mark 10:8. "And they [husband and wife joined together she one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh". Having become one flesh, they belong to each other.

Paul is simply teaching husbands and wives that the most healthy marriage relationships are the ones that are built and maintained within the understanding of this basic principle. That being the case, what is being set forth here is that (minus a mutually agreed upon season of special prayer, and minus physical issues-that is not specifically mentioned, but it is understood by reasonable people) it is not conducive to an optimal marriage relationship for husband and wife to have prolonged periods in which they abstain from physical intimacy. He mentions in verse 5 that a potential result of prolonged abstentions is that there is an opening for the temptations of Satan.

This passage has been abused and misapplied in some circles. Here is a scenario that is set forth by this misapplication.

The husband comes in from work, and he right away desires intimate alone time with his wife. She's had a trying day with the kids, her nerves are frazzled, she's not feeling it, and the timing is obviously terrible. But, despite all these factors that the husband is either strangely oblivious to or does not regard, she is, as the old saying goes, over a barrel. To be the dutifully submissive wife, she must oblige him. If she does not, she is violating scriptural command by "defrauding" her husband, potentially setting the stage (if this scenario repeats itself too many times) for him to stray from the marriage relationship.

There are multiple problems with this particular abuse of scripture. First, it should be obvious that prolonged abstention is what Paul is dealing with here.

In this passage, Paul confronts some of the false teachings of Gnosticism, which emerged as a thought process during that time period. The gnostics taught that all human passion should be denied in the pursuit of holiness, to the point that they denied part of God's basic design for humanity in creation. They forbade marriage. And adherents who were already married were instructed to commit to a life of celibacy within marriage. Paul also confronts this false teaching in Hebrews 13:4, when he wrote: "Marriage is honorable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers will God judge."

Secondly, this mindset misses that the main point of this passage is oneness, which means being of one mind, equality, mutual enjoyment, etc. As we read the passage and take it as it is presented, one thing that stands out is the even-handed and balanced way both of the spouses are addressed and charged, with each spouse given equal value in the relationship and the needs of each given the same weight of importance. It is not simply a one-sided issue of "the man has pressing needs, which take precedence overall, and she must meet them." They BOTH have needs— physically, emotionally, and above all, they need EACH OTHER. Also, this mindset wrests verses 4 and 5 from outside of the context of verse 3, which sets the tone and framework for a proper understanding of the passage. That is—"Let the husband render to the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife to the husband". The word "benevolence" carries with it the meaning of "graciousness", "humanity", "charitableness", and so forth.

So in a relationship characterized by demands made without mental exercise of consent simply to fulfill her marital. consideration, followed by her dutifully giving in by utilizing a "obligation" and not to "defraud" him, the mutual relationship of love and intimate bond being described in verses 3-5 is still being eluded. In fact, it is one that is more transactional than relational, not to mention not even close to being romantic.

If there is a scenario where there is a pattern in which, on multiple occasions, one of the spouses is "feeling it" but the other spouse never is, then most likely a deeper relationship issue is at play. Perhaps there are issues beneath the surface that have been suppressed or pushed aside, issues that require honest communication, time, and effort to correct. Simply issuing demands or becoming angry will not fix the problem. Here's a natural analogy to help get the picture. If you have a car that, after repeated attempts (and even jump-off efforts), will not crank, you don't keep trying over and over to crank it. You don't go over and kick it or get out a bat and beat it, or just go out and buy a new car.

You make it a priority to get it towed to a mechanic so he can look under the hood, identify the problem, and take the time to fix it.

OPEN LINES OF COMMUNICATION

Open communication was mentioned earlier. A crucial aspect of a tranquil marriage is free-flowing flowing open lines of communication. Just as clogged arteries in the body can lead to a heart attack and even death, clogged up lines of communication in a marriage can lead to relationship failure.

When one spouse becomes offended or hurt in some way, then a responsibility rests on both spouses. For the sake of optimal peace, the offended should resist any inclination to simply pull back and let the hurt fester. Don't let there be, as the saying goes, the unaddressed "elephant in the room”. Time is of the essence, for James said, "Be angry and sin not: let not the sun go down on you wrath" (James 4:26). The sentence continues in verse 27, “Neither give place to the devil". So the implication here is that carrying it over to the next day gives an opening for the devil to gain a foothold by stirring the simmering pot as our hardened perceptions build and the volcano may eventually erupt.

Of course, it may not be as extreme as the volcano analogy.

But, at minimum, there is some level of strain and discomfort, and not the desired closeness. The offended should go to the other spouse and calmly, yet as honestly as possible, lay it all out. At that point, the other spouse should resist any inclination to be dismissive or automatically default into a defensive posture. He or she should patiently, respectfully, and thoughtfully hear the other out, while mentally putting himself or herself in the other's spot—to the extent that he or she can grasp how that the offended spouse could have (as they interpreted things) reasonably come to the hurtful conclusions that they came to-whether those conclusions are necessarily completely accurate, or not.

Mutually listening and discussing, they may both conclude that it was all simply a breakdown of communication, to the extent that the supposed offender is completely innocent. Or it may become obvious that the offender was completely wrong all the way around and that the hurtful perception was entirely accurate, at which point the offender needs to be big enough (and considerate enough) to simply own up and apologize without any hedging or excuses.

Or a peaceful resolution may lie somewhere in between, which would require varying degrees of give and concession by both spouses. Maybe the offended did read more into things than was there, to an extent. But still, the offender should acknowledge his or her guilt to the degree that truth requires.

The perception was not fully accurate, quite possibly not even that dose. Yet, even so, the offender should acknowledge, '1 should have done a better job of thinking out how things could be interpreted or perceived. Or, "I should have been more thoughtful of your feelings, more fully taken into account your day, your situation, etc". In other words, just because the offended spouse's perception is not completely on the mark, it doesn't mean that a thorough examination of the situation would exonerate the offender to the degree that no apology whatsoever is in order. In this whole communication process, carefully and patiently heeding the admonition of James is crucial to a peaceful resolution. "Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath: for the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God" (James 1:19-20). Once a resolution has been attained, the only reasonable way forward is the offended truly forgiving the remorseful offender, while considering in humility their fallibility and that they have likely at times done or said things that caused at least some degree of hurt, that maybe they are not even aware or may have even been unintentional. And the contrite offender forgiving their self, considering it a learning experience, and moving on as well, For both spouses, a peaceful resolution brings with it a time to forget "those things which are behind" and reach "forth unto those things which are before" (Phil 3:13). It Is "a time to cast away stones.... a time to embrace....and a time to love (Ecclesiastes 3).

ALONE TIME

As we consider the importance of keeping open lines of communication, one important part of maintaining a strong, healthy relationship is making it a priority to have one on one alone, conversational time alone. Date nights, walks, going on rides, whatever doesn't matter; the point is to have time to catch up, reconnect, work through things, share concerns, encourage each other, make sure there are no clogged communication lines, etc. But we have to be practical and work within the current stage of family life that we are in. When infants or small children are involved, more patience and creativity are required to keep up with the times of reconnecting. The windows may be short and inconsistent in frequency and may involve a short coffee date at the kitchen counter during a baby's nap time rather than a date night at a restaurant. But, regardless, the extra effort to keep in tune with each other is well worth it. It is essential.

THE PROBLEM WITH UMBRELLA MODELS

One common tool used to demonstrate the Biblical order of authority within the family is the umbrella model. Typically, in these drawings, at the top is the large umbrella of Christ. A little under this large umbrella is a (somewhat) smaller umbrella of the husband, designated with the role of leading, protecting, and providing. Further down, under the husband's umbrella, is the much smaller umbrella of the wife, who is tasked with the job of managing the home, teaching, comforting, and nurturing the children. Underneath these three umbrellas are the children.

There are important discernible elements of truth that are being conveyed in such demonstrations— the husband's leadership responsibility, the nurturing role of mothers, and children's duty to obey parents. But the problem is that such pictures combine and conflate some spiritual baggage with these elements of truth. We've heard the adage "a picture is worth a thousand words". Well, that is certainly the case with these drawings. Paul said in Ephesians 5 that the marriage union is "a great mystery" (just as the Trinity of the Godhead is called a "mystery" in 1 Timothy 3:16), and you just cannot accurately convey a mystery with a drawing.

One basic truth that is compromised by these drawings is the priesthood of the believer: that is, that each born again child of God, having been made a priest unto God through the blood and imputed righteousness of Christ, is on equal footing in proximity and direct access to God through Christ our only Mediator. (Revelation 1:5-6, Hebrews 10:19-22). While obviously still under parental authority, in the realm of the Spirit, the smallest child, whose heart has been touched by God, has just as close a place to the throne of his Heavenly Father as his earthly father does.

This truth is very powerful, comforting, and humbling all at once!

This is not to say that the father and mother do not have the special responsibility and privilege to regularly bring "supplications, prayers, intercessions" (| Tim 2:1) before the throne of grace on behalf of the children that God has graciously entrusted to them.

What is another problem with these drawings? The wife's umbrella is typically about half the size of the husband's. This distinction comports with the mentality that her role and importance within the family are very much overshadowed and superseded by the vastly more important role of the husband. Though her role differs, it has already been stated that this does not equate with lesser value.

Another problem with these models is that they do not take into account the value of teamwork and the overlapping of responsibilities that must inevitably accompany raising children together.

The husband has an important role as protector, but it has already been noted that the protective instincts are interwoven into the mother's role of keeper at home. Undeniably, a mother has certain nurturing instincts that the father is not equipped with, and in many scenarios, her comfort is just what is the only thing that will work. But the large task of raising children and bringing them "up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord" (Eph 6:4) necessitates the father's engagement as his role expands beyond "provide and protect" and he encourages, comforts, teaches, reinforces etc. Paul compared his labor among the Thessalonians to that of a natural father who exhorts, comforts, and charges his children (I Thessalonians 2:11).

 

So the model that emerges when we examine Scripture is family members working together among themselves and within their roles under the solid and expansive protective umbrella of Christ (and upon His foundation) as He provides needed guidance, help, strength. So we are back to where we began--Christ as the center, "that in all things he may have the preeminence" (Colossians 1:18).

 

A CONTINUAL JOURNEY

There is much relevant scriptural instruction for marriage and the family. And this writing is by no means exhaustive. Vast amounts of opinions have been outlined in the world.

As Solomon wrote, "and of making many books there is no end (Ecclesiastes 12:12). But the Scriptures are the ultimate plumb line. My journey of marriage (and recent deeper study on this subject) has been very much a humbling and learning process for me. The more we examine this subject through the lens of scripture and the lens of our experience, the more we can say (and mean it), "Not as though I had already attained, either were already perfect: but I follow af-ter..." (Philippians 3:12). It is a journey of joy, but it is also one where we encounter setbacks, both hills and valleys, and times where more labor is required and a "reset" is in order.

So, considering all of these things and considering our journey together, we see a pathway which requires us to be, with the Lord's help, very much engaged, with much prayer, love, patience, self-examination, and self-sacrifice. But as we go forward, honoring His word, we can rest assured that any sacrifices we may make are more than outmatched by His rich blessings. As God spoke through Samuel, " honor' (I Samuel 2:30).....for them that honor me I will honor (I Samuel 2:30).