[This is an excerpt from an upcoming eBook entitled, The Works of Elder Gabriel Conklin - ed]
Letter Hunterdon County, NJ July 17, 1850
Brother Beebe: I was born as I have it on record, in the year 1798, September 12th, consequently I am almost 52 years of age. It seems almost incredible that I have lived to see more than half a century of years pass away. That it can scarcely be, that 45 or 46 years have rolled around since the occurrence of some things, yet so fresh in my mind. But so it is and must be. Or how fleeting is time and how fading and transitory the things of time!
Why should we fix our eyes
on these low grounds where sorrows grow,
My father, Ananias Conklin, was born on the East End of Long Island in the time of the old French war. When he was about four years old, his father having been taken to Canada as a soldier in the army, sickened and died, and his mother also died about the same time, leaving him a helpless orphan boy. He was sent up to Orange County, where he was cared for, grew up and lived, and finally died at about 68 years of age. My mother was from Lyme, New London County, Connecticut, and as to religious sentiments was traditionally a Baptist, though she never made a public profession, she left good evidence of her interest in Christ and manifested a desire to follow him in the ordinance of baptism. My father was a congregationalist by profession, though by no means rigid in his notions, or with his family, so we, the children, were in the habit of attending Baptist meetings pretty much, and himself also a portion of the time, particularly the last few years of his life. Old Elder Benjamin Montayne (the father of Elder Thomas Montayne, formerly of Southampton) was our minister for about 33 years. I suppose I was sprinkled for baptism when a child, but that was of no consequence to me when I came to see an act for myself. Perhaps from the frequent admonitions of my parents, together with their example, I was somewhat inclined to respect and reverence religion, and religious persons, and from childhood I occasionally had serious reflections upon the subject of death, judgment, and eternity, hearing them spoken of frequently; but I knew nothing of what in reality constituted a Christian, nor did I possess any discernment in this matter. When about 17 years of age, my mind became unusually serious, and my thoughts were directed to my own case and standing before God. I saw myself in a condition that I never had before.
For though I had thought sometimes, previously to this that I did not do exactly right, and that it was necessary for me to be something different from what I was, and that in order to be happy I must be religious before I died, I also thought that I could get religion whenever I said about it and that I would attend it after a while. This kind of feeling and sentiment I judge is quite common to two persons in nature and leads us to a somewhat moral life, moreover, it is about the sum and substance of a very great portion of the religious teaching of the present day, by men in the character of preachers, exhorters. Therefore that persons imbibe such notions frequently is no marvel. But I was led to see it was a delusion, an awful mistake, that I was absolutely a Sinner in thought, word, and deed, and altogether helpless. And though I toiled hard and long, I affected nothing, and was constrained to cry, “Lord save or I perish!” Many a time during my exercises, for several months, I thought I would give all the world (if it were mine, and would be of any use) if I could know that my sins were forgiven. But I was such a fool, and so slow of heart to believe what the scriptures declared, and I am still so, that I scarcely dare say, even at an after., that I had any hope.
But in conversation one evening with a member of the new Vernon church, Mrs. Hannah Wheat (First wife of major Salmon Wheat,, whom I esteem as a Christian, and expressing my doubts as to evidence of my interest in Christ, and at the same time my earnest desire for it, she asked me if I would give up what little hope I had for anything of a worldly nature or character if I could. Here I was brought to a stand, and constrained to weigh the master well to try this subject carefully, and was enabled and compelled, I think, to acknowledge that I had a hope, and I have never dared to deny it entirely since, though I am frequently doubting and fearing in regard to it.
There were several things that would frequently rise in my mind, especially in years gone by, as objections to the reality of the work with me, two or three of which I will just mention. At the time above referred to, when my attention was first seriously turned to my situation as a Sinner before God, there was a pretty general stir among the people around us, and many crying here and there, what shall I do? And the number of my young companions And associates were brought out, and baptized by Elder Montayne. I had never then so much as heard of a practiced meeting or anxious benches, with all their appendages. But I thought, inasmuch as many around me were making a profession, possibly from this consideration and a little stirring up of natural feelings and sympathy, I might have come to the conclusion I had, and nothing real in it; whereas if the exercises of my mind had commenced and been carried on at a time when there was no revival among the people, then I might not have had so much occasion to doubt the reality of the work in me.
Again, I thought if I could tell such an experience as some old professors had, who, I really believed were Christians, then I would not doubt; but my experience looked so small that I feared that the church, in case I should relate it to them, would not receive me, and if so, I could not blame them. I thought also, if I could only speak to my deliverance with such precision and assurance as some could, then I would have been satisfied. But I am on the background both in regard to the commencement of the work with me, and my deliverance, if indeed I am a Christian. The work with me in its commencement was not so sudden and instantaneous as with some, nor was my deliverance, but gradual, or by degrees, here a little and there a little.
Upon the whole, in looking over past experience, I judge I had a hope in Christ before I was constrained to acknowledge it; this may seem somewhat singular. Again, it seems to me I have had much more experience since I have professed to have hope than I had before. In the four parts of my exercises, I saw and felt that I was a Sinner, a poor helpless creature, and I still see and feel this, I think more sensibly and clearly as time passes away so I have less and less confidence in the flesh, and an increase of strength and confidence in the Lord Jesus Christ.
Finally, brethren my only hope of salvation, for the time and eternity, is Christ and him crucified; His blood and righteousness is my only plea, and my earnest desire is, that the few remaining days I have to live on the earth, may be spent in his service and to tell his glory. Will not our brethren, and sisters too, those especially who have not already done so, write us, through the Signs, a brief history of their experience. Such communications will never be out of place, or out of season.
If our brethren in the ministry would give us their experience, here and there, through the Signs, as they may feel inclined, it would no doubt be edifying, particularly our elder ministering brethren. We who are younger would listen with great pleasure and attention to our elder brethren on this subject. Of those whom I have seen in the flesh, I might name elders Harding, Brome, Burritt, Petitt, Hait, Pitcher, Hartwell, and Beebe. Goble, Curtiss, Suydam, Manser, Sharp, Barton, Trott, Meredith, Buck, Clark, Dudley, and Thompson, with a great many others whom I have never seen, and probably never shall see, but having heard from them, it is desirable to hear from them again.
May we be found endeavoring to keep the unity of the spirit in the bonds of peace, and thus comfort and edify one another in love.
Gabriel Conklin
No comments:
Post a Comment
Thanks for commenting. If an answer is needed, we will respond.